There is so much to say!!! I should write more often. Then I wouldn't overwhelm the people around me. I really don't care if no one reads my blog but it were to help someone I would love that. Let's see if I can organize what is on my mind....
I have been waking up every day with severe anxiety. I have had a headache since I started chemo. Is chemo causing all of this or is it because October 17th is not far away. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day we found out that Marcus had Burkitt's Lymphoma. But it was a Friday and today is Friday so it feels like today is that day.
Today I am trying to focus on something happier. I married the love of my life on March 13, 1992. I'll just copy my facebook post so I don't have to say it again....
Today is my 25 year 7 month anniversary of being married to Antar. And it's Friday, October 13th. Antar and I were married on Friday, March 13th. We have told each other happy anniversary on the 13th of every month since then. When it lands on a Friday it is even more special. I had wanted to have a big party this year but it seems like my days of big parties are over. But, you know, there is no one I have ever met that I would rather be sick with. That may sound weird but it is true and if you have ever been sick you know that is quite the compliment. I read comments from people that have the conditions that I have and a lot of them don't have the support that I have. Antar loves me. I mean truly loves me. He has proven it. Regardless of my religious belief. He has loved me as a devout mormon and as an atheist. He has loved me when I was thin and fit and he has loved me when I was 230 pounds. He supports me when I want to study finance and when I want to be a musician or dancer. When I told him last year that I was going to be a fitness model he said ok and listened as I bragged about my awesome trainer. He listens to me when I go on about how great my friends from work are and how much I miss them. He goes with me to the emergency room or to sit in the uncomfortable chairs while I get my IV fluids. He really is my best friend. No matter how this journey turns out I know I picked the best partner to go through it with. My new goal is to figure out Sick Dating. Is sick still a positive term or did that go out of style? I saw on a friends post that there are paved hiking trails in Utah. Maybe we'll try that. I just have to find them. So, if you have any low energy dating ideas that aren't too far from Eagle Mountain, Utah, let me know.
We watch a LOT of TV. We have DirecTV, Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime, and YouTube Red. We rent discs from Netflix and Redbox. So, movies don't really feel special anymore. Don't get me wrong. I still love them. This year I have developed such gratitude to all of the filmmakers, writers and actors that help all of us chronically ill people through all of this. I hate to imagine what it was like to be this sick before TV. The week after his brain surgery Antar couldn't handle watching TV and it was torture for me. When I am feeling bad I have a short attention span so I look for YouTube videos that are 10 minutes or less. I get my news from Stephen Colbert, Bill Maher and that guy that was married to Katy Perry. The Trews. What the heck is his name? Anyway, sorry curly haired british guy. I really like you but my mind is blank at the moment. It's funny. I didn't really care for him as an actor but I absolutely love him on YouTube. He speaks from my heart when he talks about the world and politics and how we need to feel empowered and love each other. And his fight with addiction. He's a good guy. So, don't ever take it personally when I can't for the life of me remember your name and I don't want to change tabs to google it.
The point is that watching TV or a movie is not special. That is for getting through day to day life. Hiking would be special. Going to the beach would be special.
Yesterday I was trying to accept that I may not be able to go back to school even if it's online. I don't know that I can keep up with the commitment. My brain doesn't work the way it used to. That is very sad for me.
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