The Worst Day Ever

Last night was a bad night. One year ago last night my baby girl called and said, "Mom, I need you now." She was 4 hours away for most people, six hours away for me. We made it in record time. (for me) To celebrate the anniversary...celebrate is the wrong word...commemorate? Deal with? Is there a word for live through an anniversary? Anyway, I ate six donuts. Then I got so sick. I felt like crap and my husband said I was cranky. He doesn't usually say that. I'm an uncontrolled diabetic but I have eating disorders and I don't know how to deal with this so I turned to food. I waited a while and then checked my blood sugar. It was 334. So I took 14 units of insulin. I felt very bad for what I did to myself. I don't want to die but for me sugar is addiction. Just like alcohol or drugs for someone else. I waited a while and then I checked again. It was 261. It came down. That is still not good but it's better than it was. So, I ate the filling of half of a lemon meringue pie and half of a small cheesecake. Well, I didn't finish the half of the small cheesecake so I get some credit for that, right?  I couldn't finish the hallmark movie. I was falling asleep. I texted Edna and she said she's doing good. If she is ok, how come I'm not?

There is this rule(in my head). That when your child needs something you find a way to provide it. That's why instead of going to bed a year ago I drove to be at my daughter's side. When we arrived she came out to greet us and told us that Marcus said, "Where is my mom?" In that moment I wanted to turn myself into her. But really, I wanted to make his mom appear out of thin air. Then we could both be there. She could take care of her child and I could take care of mine. But really we have shared our children since the day we met. Marcus is mine and Edna is hers. Today it is her with my child. It is me on the other side. But I am pretty sure Edna will be okay. I didn't save Marcus that day. He died. The doctors wanted an autopsy but the medical examiner said he didn't need one. So, he didn't get one. It was 2 weeks later that my body woke up and said, "No! We are doing the autopsy!" It was too late. He had been cremated. This must be my logical work brain kicking in but that it why we need wills, advanced directives, funeral plans, life insurance. Because on that day when the trauma has happened no one wants to make those decisions. I want my body donated to Sarcoidosis research.

We drove to every store in town looking for orchids. Edna wanted white orchids. We found one. Now I see orchids everywhere and inside I scream at the orchids, "Where were you when I needed you?!"

I don't do well with death. I haven't since I was a child. My grandma was my first. But this has been the worst. I am not all powerful. I couldn't save him and I feel responsible. I can't make my children happy all the time. I can't fix everything for them. These are hard lessons. Marcus, I love you and I wish you would come back. I just really wish that I could have woken up today and found out that this past year was just the worst nightmare ever.

Marcus was my 23 year old son in law. He died last year of Burkitt Lymphoma Leukemia. Diagnosed on a Friday and passed the following Monday.