On the morning of Monday, September 25, 2018 I was awoken earlier than usual by horrible painful depression. This wasn't your ordinary "I am sad today" depression. This wasn't even the clinical depression that lasts a long time. This was a "this hurts too bad to live through" depression.
I live in the basement of my daughters house. My daughter, her husband and her 4 children live upstairs. I live in the basement with my husband and cat. It is a nice arrangement. We have our own kitchen, bathroom, living area, guest room and office. There are boxes around because after 4 years I still haven't finished unpacking and I have trouble keeping up with the activities of daily living so I have piles of clutter on every available table top. But it is a nice home, a comfortable home.
On this morning. I was crying from the emotional turmoil. No one else was awake and I didn't want anyone around. So, I tried to keep my wailing at a minimum. The point is that I live in a house with 7 other people and a cat. All of whom would be very unhappy if I took my life. They would prefer that I wake them up. One of my pet peeves is waking people up. I don't like to bother them and make them grumpy. I had to wake my children to go to school for years. Two of them really didn't like it. I don't do it anymore.
There are others outside of my house that don't want me to die. They would want me to call them and wake them up.
When I feel the "I want to leave the planet" kind of pain that I had that morning, I won't reach out to anyone. I don't want to share that pain with anyone. It is too much. It hurts too bad.
Fortunately the intensity decreased after a couple of hours. Then everyone woke up. I was no longer alone in my pain. Ending my life no longer felt like an option. But the depression didn't go away.
The next day I started a 50 day challenge that I had signed up for.
These are the rules:
1. Have an intention
2. Each day I ask my GUHP (god, universe, higher power) to give me one thing to do that day to help me with my intention
3. I would be in a messenger group with others doing the same thing for accountability.
Up until it actually started, I didn't know what my intention would be.
My intention was: to stay on the planet.
The timing was perfect.
I didn't keep my struggle private. I talked to friends and family. I received an outpouring of love and lots of phone numbers.
My GUHP changed to support me. It had been the Earth. It became the Stargate. I later realized that change was to support my journey. The Earth wanted me to stay on the planet. The Stargate gave me a choice. I could stay or go. It is always important that I have freedom of choice. Rules suffocate my spirituality.
Saturday, January 12, 2019
I want to be well NOW!!!
My word this year is ACCEPTANCE.
That doesn't mean that I am not fighting for my life. It means that I am striving to accept the process even though it doesn't work as fast as I would like.
On January 17, 2017 I went to the Emergency Department with tachycardia and fatigue. I wanted a pill that would fix my problem so I could go to work the next day. Guess what. That pill doesn't exist. I spent the next 8 months looking for diagnoses and cures before I accepted that I couldn't return to work.
I have securities licenses. What that means is that I worked very hard to become a Registered Representative that can trade stocks, bonds, mutual funds and other financial securities in the USA. It took months of study to get those licenses and I enjoyed my job. There is a condition that comes with those licenses. If they are not held by a broker they will expire and I will have to take the tests again if I want them back. The Securities and Exchange Commission will allow 2 years without a broker before they expire. Those 2 years are up at the end of 2019. So, I am hoping to find health and return to work this year.
Some doctors are better than others. There is an amazing Emergency doctor that I encountered during my process. He told me that there is probably a chronic illness that I have that hasn't been diagnosed. I have so many diagnoses already. I have very few answers. My body doesn't like modern medicine. It is rejecting drug after drug.
I have been eating a whole food plant based diet with no animal products, oil, sugar or processed foods for over a month now. I am avoiding GMOs and flour. I make all of my food because I have so many rules. I would be salt free but because of Dysautonomia, I can't do that. I want to be well already. I woke up today at 1:50am in so much pain. My body hurts so bad. In November I went on 30 minute walks almost every day. I haven't been well enough to do that since Thanksgiving.
Here is a list of my diagnoses:
Sarcoidosis
Type 2 Diabetes - treated by an insulin pump
Dysautonomia
Fibromyalgia
Gastroparesis
High Blood Pressure
Tachycardia
Fatty Liver
Irritable Bowel Syndrome
Acid Reflux
Asthma
Chronic Dehydration - treated by twice weekly fluid infusions
Migraines
Cluster Headaches
Sleep Apnea
Teeth Grinding
Chronic Fatigue
Small Fiber Neuropathy
PTSD - anxiety/depression
I may have forgotten something.
I am not giving up. This post is probably more to remind me of that as well as to keep my promise to myself to track my monthly progress.
My taste buds are changing. I am a VERY picky eater. I told myself that I have to eat all the foods, even if I don't like something, I am going to try it. I have noticed that it is getting easier. The healthier foods are beginning to taste better to me.
I am working my way through the How Not to Die Cookbook from front to back. It is teaching me how to cook differently.
This past Monday I saw a new Gastroenterologist who told me that he wants me to go on a diet of lean meats and diabetic protein shakes. I didn't like that. He wants to see me again in 3 months. I told him that I am going to stick to my plan and in 3 months we will see if I am better, worse or about the same.
On Thursday I saw my pulmonologist. She said that my lungs are beautiful. There is no sign of Sarcoidosis in my lungs. That was confusing because I don't feel any better. It is good news though. She said that I still have Sarcoidosis. There was proof in my 24 hour urine last August. My calcium was very high. She said that I do not process calcium or vitamin D properly. She told me to avoid supplements for those nutrients and stay away from calcium rich foods that are not vegetables. She says that I need some calcium so it is good to get it from vegetables That sounds like support for my new lifestyle. :D In other words....No dairy. I am already doing that. I have recently seen kidney stones on my abdominal CTs. That is evidence that I don't process calcium correctly. Fortunately they aren't large enough to cause pain. She also told me to start avoiding so many CTs. They may do more harm than good. She is a good doctor (in my humble opinion). I don't have to see her again unless I feel like I need to. We did not schedule a follow up. Yay! One less doctor.
That doesn't mean that I am not fighting for my life. It means that I am striving to accept the process even though it doesn't work as fast as I would like.
On January 17, 2017 I went to the Emergency Department with tachycardia and fatigue. I wanted a pill that would fix my problem so I could go to work the next day. Guess what. That pill doesn't exist. I spent the next 8 months looking for diagnoses and cures before I accepted that I couldn't return to work.
I have securities licenses. What that means is that I worked very hard to become a Registered Representative that can trade stocks, bonds, mutual funds and other financial securities in the USA. It took months of study to get those licenses and I enjoyed my job. There is a condition that comes with those licenses. If they are not held by a broker they will expire and I will have to take the tests again if I want them back. The Securities and Exchange Commission will allow 2 years without a broker before they expire. Those 2 years are up at the end of 2019. So, I am hoping to find health and return to work this year.
Some doctors are better than others. There is an amazing Emergency doctor that I encountered during my process. He told me that there is probably a chronic illness that I have that hasn't been diagnosed. I have so many diagnoses already. I have very few answers. My body doesn't like modern medicine. It is rejecting drug after drug.
I have been eating a whole food plant based diet with no animal products, oil, sugar or processed foods for over a month now. I am avoiding GMOs and flour. I make all of my food because I have so many rules. I would be salt free but because of Dysautonomia, I can't do that. I want to be well already. I woke up today at 1:50am in so much pain. My body hurts so bad. In November I went on 30 minute walks almost every day. I haven't been well enough to do that since Thanksgiving.
Here is a list of my diagnoses:
Sarcoidosis
Type 2 Diabetes - treated by an insulin pump
Dysautonomia
Fibromyalgia
Gastroparesis
High Blood Pressure
Tachycardia
Fatty Liver
Irritable Bowel Syndrome
Acid Reflux
Asthma
Chronic Dehydration - treated by twice weekly fluid infusions
Migraines
Cluster Headaches
Sleep Apnea
Teeth Grinding
Chronic Fatigue
Small Fiber Neuropathy
PTSD - anxiety/depression
I may have forgotten something.
I am not giving up. This post is probably more to remind me of that as well as to keep my promise to myself to track my monthly progress.
My taste buds are changing. I am a VERY picky eater. I told myself that I have to eat all the foods, even if I don't like something, I am going to try it. I have noticed that it is getting easier. The healthier foods are beginning to taste better to me.
I am working my way through the How Not to Die Cookbook from front to back. It is teaching me how to cook differently.
This past Monday I saw a new Gastroenterologist who told me that he wants me to go on a diet of lean meats and diabetic protein shakes. I didn't like that. He wants to see me again in 3 months. I told him that I am going to stick to my plan and in 3 months we will see if I am better, worse or about the same.
On Thursday I saw my pulmonologist. She said that my lungs are beautiful. There is no sign of Sarcoidosis in my lungs. That was confusing because I don't feel any better. It is good news though. She said that I still have Sarcoidosis. There was proof in my 24 hour urine last August. My calcium was very high. She said that I do not process calcium or vitamin D properly. She told me to avoid supplements for those nutrients and stay away from calcium rich foods that are not vegetables. She says that I need some calcium so it is good to get it from vegetables That sounds like support for my new lifestyle. :D In other words....No dairy. I am already doing that. I have recently seen kidney stones on my abdominal CTs. That is evidence that I don't process calcium correctly. Fortunately they aren't large enough to cause pain. She also told me to start avoiding so many CTs. They may do more harm than good. She is a good doctor (in my humble opinion). I don't have to see her again unless I feel like I need to. We did not schedule a follow up. Yay! One less doctor.
5'9" tall
199.6 pounds (down 11.4 pounds)
42.25" waist around navel (down 2.75")
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