Surviving Suicidal Ideation

On the morning of Monday, September 25, 2018 I was awoken earlier than usual by horrible painful depression. This wasn't your ordinary "I am sad today" depression. This wasn't even the clinical depression that lasts a long time. This was a "this hurts too bad to live through" depression.

I live in the basement of my daughters house. My daughter, her husband and her 4 children live upstairs. I live in the basement with my husband and cat. It is a nice arrangement. We have our own kitchen, bathroom, living area, guest room and office. There are boxes around because after 4 years I still haven't finished unpacking and I have trouble keeping up with the activities of daily living so I have piles of clutter on every available table top. But it is a nice home, a comfortable home.

On this morning. I was crying from the emotional turmoil. No one else was awake and I didn't want anyone around. So, I tried to keep my wailing at a minimum. The point is that I live in a house with 7 other people and a cat. All of whom would be very unhappy if I took my life. They would prefer that I wake them up. One of my pet peeves is waking people up. I don't like to bother them and make them grumpy. I had to wake my children to go to school for years. Two of them really didn't like it. I don't do it anymore.

There are others outside of my house that don't want me to die. They would want me to call them and wake them up.

When I feel the "I want to leave the planet" kind of pain that I had that morning, I won't reach out to anyone. I don't want to share that pain with anyone. It is too much. It hurts too bad.

Fortunately the intensity decreased after a couple of hours. Then everyone woke up. I was no longer alone in my pain. Ending my life no longer felt like an option. But the depression didn't go away.

The next day I started a 50 day challenge that I had signed up for.
These are the rules:
1. Have an intention
2. Each day I ask my GUHP (god, universe, higher power) to give me one thing to do that day to help me with my intention
3. I would be in a messenger group with others doing the same thing for accountability.
Up until it actually started, I didn't know what my intention would be.

My intention was: to stay on the planet.

The timing was perfect.

I didn't keep my struggle private. I talked to friends and family. I received an outpouring of love and lots of phone numbers.

My GUHP changed to support me. It had been the Earth. It became the Stargate. I later realized that change was to support my journey. The Earth wanted me to stay on the planet. The Stargate gave me a choice. I could stay or go. It is always important that I have freedom of choice. Rules suffocate my spirituality.