I was raised that forgiveness is something I can order like a hamburger at McDonald's. I forgave because it was a commandment. Forgiveness was pretending that the bad thing never happened, denying consequences and pretending that I didn't remember the bad thing. Forgive and Forget. That is what people would say. I didn't know how to do that. I felt like I was broken. People said that I held grudges. It was a point of shame for me.
Since I left organized religion I have had to reclaim vocabulary words. Faith, Worship, and several more. Forgiveness has been a big one. I have had to redefine forgiveness. I have had to figure out what forgiveness really is to me.
I am 50 now. As I have gotten older my memory is not what it used to be. I don't know if that is because of normal aging or because of my health issues. But the traumas that I have experienced are emblazoned in my brain like scorched wood. No matter how hard I try I cannot just forget my traumas. Pretending that I can is not only impossible, it is not healthy.
Does that mean I cannot ever forgive? Am I not capable of forgiveness? Does christianity have a monopoly on forgiveness? Since I am not christian, does that mean that I am not worthy to forgive?
No.
The answer to all of those questions is no.
So, what is forgiveness? How do I forgive?
The first lesson is that forgiveness is for the person doing the forgiving. It is not for the person we are forgiving. It is not for Jesus or some other deity. It is a completely selfish act. It is an act of self healing.
Selfish. That is another word I am reclaiming. Being selfish is not a bad thing. Everyone needs to take care of themselves first. That is the first step in self care.
Forgiveness is letting go of anger. Before we can do that we have to allow ourselves to feel. We have to feel the anger, sadness, pain, sorrow and whatever other feelings are in there. This step can take years. For me it took over 40 years in one case. But that is because I had labeled these feelings as bad and didn't allow myself to feel them. When I allow myself to feel them they process much more quickly. I had a lot of anger.
I need to express my feelings. That doesn't have to mean confronting the person who hurt me. It can be through art or exercise. The way I express and release my feelings is as unique as I am.
After I processed my feelings I was able to look at the painful experiences differently. They will always be a part of my past. I cannot change the past. No one can. But I can accept the past. I can accept what happened to me. This includes forgiving myself. I can accept what I have done.
I was surprised that forgiving someone that I had not been able to forgive for so long felt like a betrayal. It felt like I was doing something wrong. So I had to forgive myself for forgiving someone who had hurt me and others.
When it comes to the people that I have forgiven the next step is deciding how I move forward in my relationship with them. There is not one answer to that. I decide this on a case by case basis. It depends on who they are, what they have done, how they have changed and who they are now. What choices are they making now? Are they safe? What is the best choice?
Forgiveness is:
1. Allowing myself to feel all the feelings for as long as that takes.
2. Expressing my feelings in a healthy way.
3. Accepting what happened and that it is part of my life story.
4. Choosing the best way to move forward.
Now that I know how to forgive, I can move forward in my healing journey.
