I am Pansexual.
That's crazy.
Except it's not. It makes perfect sense when you understand it.
I am not really sure where the beginning of this story is. I will pick a time and place. The time and place that I choose is 2015 or 2016 in a meeting at work. One of my favorite things about working is volunteering. I love the Employee Resource Groups and the activities that they involve. I love to socialize. So, on this day I was in an LGBTQ meeting at work. I met someone there. I want to share her name because it is a beautiful name for a beautiful person, but I won't for her privacy. She is married to a transgender woman. The way that showed up in her life is that she married a man who later started to transition to a woman. She unconditionally loved and accepted her spouse. That was so beautiful to me. I thought this is true love! This person is so beautiful inside and out that I can hardly stand it.
I went home and told my husband the story. It was interesting to him but he didn't have as intense of a reaction as I did. I told him that I loved him so much that if he ever decided he was a woman and wanted to transition it would not affect our marriage. I really thought it was a measurement of how much I loved him.
My husband responded by looking at me like I was a martian and said, "Ok."
I said, "It's your turn."
He said, "What?" genuinely puzzled.
Me: "You tell me. Tell me that you would still love me if I wanted to be a man."
Him: "Do you?"
Me: "No."
Him: "Good."
Me: "Well?"
Him: "Just don't."
I was crushed. I thought it was proof that my husband did not love me as much as I loved him. But I decided I wasn't going to let it affect our marriage. He was a still good husband.
Fast forward about a year. I think it was 2017. I was watching I Am Jazz. I love that show! She is awesome. She was talking about dating. She explained that she was Pansexual. I had never heard of that word. She said it meant that she was attracted to a person's spirit regardless of their body. Gender did not matter. It felt like a spiritual experience. Like a pillar of light and angels singing. I just felt it in every cell of my being.
That's me! That's what I am! I am Pansexual.
I didn't tell anyone at first. As I was thinking about it I realized something important. Wait for it.....
My husband is Heterosexual.
I realized that I had never really been able to understand that word. I thought I had been heterosexual all of my life. In thinking that I thought all heterosexuals loved like I do and thought like I do. They don't! Part of why my husband loves me is BECAUSE I am a WOMAN. Woah! Mind blown. Our love is different. I don't really care if he is male, female or something else. But it is important to him that I am a woman.
All of a sudden I had a new understanding and appreciation for my husband. Learning that I am Pansexual has been good for our marriage.
Nothing changed on the outside. We have been monogamously married for 26 1/2 years and we will continue that way for as long as we are both alive on the planet. But now we understand each other so much better. It is beautiful.
My husband is so amazing because he loves me and accepts me as I am, as I was, and as I grow and change. We grow and change together. No one stays the same. We are all growing up.
Saturday, September 15, 2018
Dear 2017 this year I experienced... August 2017
I found this draft that I never published. It is probably unfinished but I am going to publish it anyway. August 2018 was way better than August 2017. That is something to be celebrated! :D
Dear 2017 this year I experienced....
August 2017
The 1st week of August was pretty good. I worked 4 days straight. It was helpful that we were staying at a timeshare that was only 5 minutes from work so I didn't have much of a commute. There were times during the day that I was supposed to work on cases but since I had missed so much work I didn't have any cases to work on. So, I reclined in my chair and rested. I did research on how Long Term Disability works. I called my primary doctor to see if she could still treat me with my diagnosis of Sarcoidosis. She said she could.
Thursday, August 3, 2017 - I went to get fluids after work. I felt like the 1 hour drive each way kind of defeated the purpose.
Friday, August 4, 2017 - We went to my niece's wedding reception after work. I couldn't stay very long.
Saturday, August 5, 2017 - We checked out of the timeshare. That afternoon I went with my daughters to get mani/pedis. I could barely wait for him to finish my toes. I couldn't stay to get my hands done. I needed to go home and rest.
Sunday, August 6, 2017 - I took my daughter, Edna to the Emergency Department. It was her gall bladder. We went to get some groceries and came home.
Monday, August 7, 2017 - I drove into work and accepted that I couldn't do it. It was too much. I cleaned out my desk and went home.
I took Edna to see a surgeon about her gall bladder.
I went to see my primary doctor to fill out Long Term Disability paperwork.
Tuesday, August 8, 2017 - Antar had a doctor appointment.
I took Edna to get an abdominal CT. I got my mammogram while I was waiting.
I went to the infusion center for fluids.
Thursday, August 10, 2017 - Edna had gall bladder surgery.
While she was in surgery I went to my follow up appointment with the cardiothoracic surgeon.
Then I went to my endocrinologist to get a glucose monitor put on my arm.
I managed to get back to the hospital before Edna was done. My husband was there the whole time.
Tuesday, August 15, 2017 - Antar and I went to our neurologist.
Wednesday, August 16, 2017 - Edna had her follow up appointment with her surgeon.
Thursday, August 17, 2017 - I went to my Endocrinologist.
I saw my ENT.
Friday, August 18, 2017 - I have a nurse case manager with my insurance that called to check in on me.
Monday, August 21, 2017 - I went to see my Optometrist to talk to him about my Sarcoidosis.
Thursday, August 24, 2017 - I had labs done for the nephrologist.
I went to my follow up appointment with the pulmonologist.
Monday, August 28, 2017 - I went to see my Gastroenterologist.
Tuesday, August 29, 2017 - I saw the Nephrologist.
Wednesday, August 30, 2017 - I saw my therapist.
I went to the infusion center for fluids.
Thursday, August 31, 2017 - I took Antar to see the neurosurgeon.
Dear 2017 this year I experienced....
August 2017
The 1st week of August was pretty good. I worked 4 days straight. It was helpful that we were staying at a timeshare that was only 5 minutes from work so I didn't have much of a commute. There were times during the day that I was supposed to work on cases but since I had missed so much work I didn't have any cases to work on. So, I reclined in my chair and rested. I did research on how Long Term Disability works. I called my primary doctor to see if she could still treat me with my diagnosis of Sarcoidosis. She said she could.
Thursday, August 3, 2017 - I went to get fluids after work. I felt like the 1 hour drive each way kind of defeated the purpose.
Friday, August 4, 2017 - We went to my niece's wedding reception after work. I couldn't stay very long.
Saturday, August 5, 2017 - We checked out of the timeshare. That afternoon I went with my daughters to get mani/pedis. I could barely wait for him to finish my toes. I couldn't stay to get my hands done. I needed to go home and rest.
Sunday, August 6, 2017 - I took my daughter, Edna to the Emergency Department. It was her gall bladder. We went to get some groceries and came home.
Monday, August 7, 2017 - I drove into work and accepted that I couldn't do it. It was too much. I cleaned out my desk and went home.
I took Edna to see a surgeon about her gall bladder.
I went to see my primary doctor to fill out Long Term Disability paperwork.
Tuesday, August 8, 2017 - Antar had a doctor appointment.
I took Edna to get an abdominal CT. I got my mammogram while I was waiting.
I went to the infusion center for fluids.
Thursday, August 10, 2017 - Edna had gall bladder surgery.
While she was in surgery I went to my follow up appointment with the cardiothoracic surgeon.
Then I went to my endocrinologist to get a glucose monitor put on my arm.
I managed to get back to the hospital before Edna was done. My husband was there the whole time.
Tuesday, August 15, 2017 - Antar and I went to our neurologist.
Wednesday, August 16, 2017 - Edna had her follow up appointment with her surgeon.
Thursday, August 17, 2017 - I went to my Endocrinologist.
I saw my ENT.
Friday, August 18, 2017 - I have a nurse case manager with my insurance that called to check in on me.
Monday, August 21, 2017 - I went to see my Optometrist to talk to him about my Sarcoidosis.
Thursday, August 24, 2017 - I had labs done for the nephrologist.
I went to my follow up appointment with the pulmonologist.
Monday, August 28, 2017 - I went to see my Gastroenterologist.
Tuesday, August 29, 2017 - I saw the Nephrologist.
Wednesday, August 30, 2017 - I saw my therapist.
I went to the infusion center for fluids.
Thursday, August 31, 2017 - I took Antar to see the neurosurgeon.
Words
This post is kind of a solo therapy session that I am opening up to voyeurism. I am going to confess now that there may be spelling errors and grammatical errors and poor use of the English language. I really thought this was all about words until I opened up Blogger on my computer and saw my last post. It was my reaction to seeing the Endocrinologist. This is much bigger than words. Let me start by telling you the most obvious problem. No, let me start by illustrating my love of words.
I love words. I love language. I consider myself a linguist even though I do not have a degree from anyone other than myself. I am the kind of person who writes for fun. I read the Work and the Glory in 10 days back in 1999. I guesstimate that is about 500 pages per day. I read while I made pancakes and did my household chores. I was a stay at home mom then. A very honorable profession. Last year when I found out I could no longer go to work I decided I had time to study 8 different languages on my duolingo app. I still remember that in one of those languages Draig means Dragon. I believe that was Welsh? Prynhawn da, Draig. Do people in Wales often have the opportunity to say, "Good afternoon, Dragon."? I thought it was fun that Dragon was considered a basic word in that language.
I am having a total problem with words right now. I can't read a book. I can't listen to a book on audible. I can't read long posts on Facebook. I can't read articles that I am interested in. And it doesn't stop there. I am having trouble finding words when I speak. It doesn't matter what language. Why? I don't know. Words are causing me stress. How can something I love so much cause me so much stress. I started this year with the intent of writing a novel.
Let's look at the coincidence. My last appointment with my endocrinologist was not good. Everything was bad. I blamed food. I completely changed my diet. The majority of the books I have read in the past couple of years have been related to diet. While I was still working, before I started Keto, I read Grain Brain and other books about the horrors of eating bread and grains. Since 2008 when I was diagnosed with Diabetes I cannot even tell you how many books I have read on diet. In fact it goes back before that. I have a history of eating disorders and like most people I have spent my entire adulthood trying to lose weight. I read books about diet and exercise and every time I would start a new program I envisioned myself finishing with the Iron Man competition or the Boston Marathon or being a Fitness Model. You could say I always had high hopes.
Let's jump to the present. My exercise program? I am trying to plank for 10 seconds a day. You read that right. That's not a type o. I said seconds, not minutes. I successfully did Keto for over a year and I got good at it. People loved my cooking. It was easy and intuitive. Then, that fateful day with the Endocrinologist, when I learned that my Diabetes, High Blood Pressure and Cholesterol were all terribly high and my vitamin D was terribly low happened. So, a friend told me about the Medical Medium and Mastering Diabetes. I switched from all protein to all fruits and vegetables. I did it gradually over a month. These guys said I could cure myself with diet. That didn't last long. I got really bad bloating and abdominal pain. I went to the Gastroenterologist and was put on the Gastroparesis diet. It turns out that I can't process all of that fiber. A Gastroparesis diet is counterintuitive to a Diabetic. Everything I couldn't eat before is pretty much all I eat now. I still try to avoid added sugar and desserts. But I am eating white bread and pasta and drinking fruit and vegetable juices. Now, I am low fat, low fiber. I honestly feel better when I don't eat. For a little while. Then I start feeling sick and shaky.
I guess I figured it out. I am going to ease myself back in. I am going to look for a book that is pure enjoyment. I don't want to read about politics or the injustices of society or self improvement, especially not diet. I need to find the joy in words again.
I am thinking Piers Anthony.....that will be pun.
I love words. I love language. I consider myself a linguist even though I do not have a degree from anyone other than myself. I am the kind of person who writes for fun. I read the Work and the Glory in 10 days back in 1999. I guesstimate that is about 500 pages per day. I read while I made pancakes and did my household chores. I was a stay at home mom then. A very honorable profession. Last year when I found out I could no longer go to work I decided I had time to study 8 different languages on my duolingo app. I still remember that in one of those languages Draig means Dragon. I believe that was Welsh? Prynhawn da, Draig. Do people in Wales often have the opportunity to say, "Good afternoon, Dragon."? I thought it was fun that Dragon was considered a basic word in that language.
I am having a total problem with words right now. I can't read a book. I can't listen to a book on audible. I can't read long posts on Facebook. I can't read articles that I am interested in. And it doesn't stop there. I am having trouble finding words when I speak. It doesn't matter what language. Why? I don't know. Words are causing me stress. How can something I love so much cause me so much stress. I started this year with the intent of writing a novel.
Let's look at the coincidence. My last appointment with my endocrinologist was not good. Everything was bad. I blamed food. I completely changed my diet. The majority of the books I have read in the past couple of years have been related to diet. While I was still working, before I started Keto, I read Grain Brain and other books about the horrors of eating bread and grains. Since 2008 when I was diagnosed with Diabetes I cannot even tell you how many books I have read on diet. In fact it goes back before that. I have a history of eating disorders and like most people I have spent my entire adulthood trying to lose weight. I read books about diet and exercise and every time I would start a new program I envisioned myself finishing with the Iron Man competition or the Boston Marathon or being a Fitness Model. You could say I always had high hopes.
Let's jump to the present. My exercise program? I am trying to plank for 10 seconds a day. You read that right. That's not a type o. I said seconds, not minutes. I successfully did Keto for over a year and I got good at it. People loved my cooking. It was easy and intuitive. Then, that fateful day with the Endocrinologist, when I learned that my Diabetes, High Blood Pressure and Cholesterol were all terribly high and my vitamin D was terribly low happened. So, a friend told me about the Medical Medium and Mastering Diabetes. I switched from all protein to all fruits and vegetables. I did it gradually over a month. These guys said I could cure myself with diet. That didn't last long. I got really bad bloating and abdominal pain. I went to the Gastroenterologist and was put on the Gastroparesis diet. It turns out that I can't process all of that fiber. A Gastroparesis diet is counterintuitive to a Diabetic. Everything I couldn't eat before is pretty much all I eat now. I still try to avoid added sugar and desserts. But I am eating white bread and pasta and drinking fruit and vegetable juices. Now, I am low fat, low fiber. I honestly feel better when I don't eat. For a little while. Then I start feeling sick and shaky.
I guess I figured it out. I am going to ease myself back in. I am going to look for a book that is pure enjoyment. I don't want to read about politics or the injustices of society or self improvement, especially not diet. I need to find the joy in words again.
I am thinking Piers Anthony.....that will be pun.
What do I believe?
I don't know the answer to this so I am going to talk it out.
I have to start with who is my GUHP (God, Universe, Higher Power).
I was raised to believe it was Heavenly Father and Jesus was the mediator. It turns out I was believing what I was told to believe. I thought I was Atheist for a big chunk of my life but it turns out that wasn't right either. I don't have the same GUHP as my parents or most of my friends. And it turns out that my GUHP changes based on my needs in life. I think that makes perfect sense but it is so contrary to how I was raised that sometimes it is uncomfortable. My GUHP had been the Earth for a couple of months. It has changed. That's how I know it changes. I thought maybe it was the Earth all along. I don't know. Maybe it was but it is not now. The Earth is very kind though. It is holding space for me while I embrace my new GUHP. I feel it is the Fat Happy Traveler Buddha. But I haven't embraced him yet. So it's kinda like the dynamic I grew up with but now the Earth is the intermediary. I have to bond with my new GUHP. I think part of that is acknowledging that I am not Buddhist. I don't need labels or spiritual rules. I just need a GUHP that is there when I need them.
What do I believe about souls?
I believe we all have a soul. Souls are important. We need to take good care of them.
What is my origin/creation story? Did/do we exist before/after life on this planet?
I don't know. I believe other people when they tell me their beliefs. My belief is I don't know. I was raised with the story of the preexistence in Heaven. I relate a lot of spirituality to University. I imagined that before I was born there was a catalog of all the human traits you could gain through experience on Earth. It didn't tell me what trials I would go through but I thought I could handle it all. I do this in real life when I make my schedule at University. I want to take all the classes. So, I imagined that I signed up for all of the traits/trials. I don't believe this is true anymore.
The best story I have heard is that the atmosphere is made of the energy of all life that ever has been or will be on Earth. We are part of the atmosphere. Then we take a body. Then we return to the atmosphere. Living creatures with physical form can access the energy in the atmosphere at any time to help them in their daily lives. I like that story. That is why I chose the Earth as my GUHP. I am part of the Earth. I feel that. I don't want to be an astronaut. I need the Earth to live. I am part of the Earth and the Earth is part of me. It is a very important relationship in my life. I cannot live without the Earth.
Truly though. I have a very logical/spiritual mind. I don't know where I came from. Except that I came from my mother's womb and the seed that my father put in it. I am made of the energy and experiences and the DNA of all of my ancestors. I am connected to my progeny. I love life. Life is beautiful. It is ok that I don't know everything.
I believe in Energy.
My mentor, Kami Orange, once said..."If a story makes you feel better it is a good story." That is how I can embrace Spiritual Gifts and Entourage and all of this woo-woo stuff. I don't know how it works. It does make me feel better. So, even though someone in my head says none of this is real, I am embracing it. After all, spirituality is all about believing. I believe in Faeries and Angels and Fat Happy Traveler Buddhas.
I have to start with who is my GUHP (God, Universe, Higher Power).
I was raised to believe it was Heavenly Father and Jesus was the mediator. It turns out I was believing what I was told to believe. I thought I was Atheist for a big chunk of my life but it turns out that wasn't right either. I don't have the same GUHP as my parents or most of my friends. And it turns out that my GUHP changes based on my needs in life. I think that makes perfect sense but it is so contrary to how I was raised that sometimes it is uncomfortable. My GUHP had been the Earth for a couple of months. It has changed. That's how I know it changes. I thought maybe it was the Earth all along. I don't know. Maybe it was but it is not now. The Earth is very kind though. It is holding space for me while I embrace my new GUHP. I feel it is the Fat Happy Traveler Buddha. But I haven't embraced him yet. So it's kinda like the dynamic I grew up with but now the Earth is the intermediary. I have to bond with my new GUHP. I think part of that is acknowledging that I am not Buddhist. I don't need labels or spiritual rules. I just need a GUHP that is there when I need them.
What do I believe about souls?
I believe we all have a soul. Souls are important. We need to take good care of them.
What is my origin/creation story? Did/do we exist before/after life on this planet?
I don't know. I believe other people when they tell me their beliefs. My belief is I don't know. I was raised with the story of the preexistence in Heaven. I relate a lot of spirituality to University. I imagined that before I was born there was a catalog of all the human traits you could gain through experience on Earth. It didn't tell me what trials I would go through but I thought I could handle it all. I do this in real life when I make my schedule at University. I want to take all the classes. So, I imagined that I signed up for all of the traits/trials. I don't believe this is true anymore.
The best story I have heard is that the atmosphere is made of the energy of all life that ever has been or will be on Earth. We are part of the atmosphere. Then we take a body. Then we return to the atmosphere. Living creatures with physical form can access the energy in the atmosphere at any time to help them in their daily lives. I like that story. That is why I chose the Earth as my GUHP. I am part of the Earth. I feel that. I don't want to be an astronaut. I need the Earth to live. I am part of the Earth and the Earth is part of me. It is a very important relationship in my life. I cannot live without the Earth.
Truly though. I have a very logical/spiritual mind. I don't know where I came from. Except that I came from my mother's womb and the seed that my father put in it. I am made of the energy and experiences and the DNA of all of my ancestors. I am connected to my progeny. I love life. Life is beautiful. It is ok that I don't know everything.
I believe in Energy.
My mentor, Kami Orange, once said..."If a story makes you feel better it is a good story." That is how I can embrace Spiritual Gifts and Entourage and all of this woo-woo stuff. I don't know how it works. It does make me feel better. So, even though someone in my head says none of this is real, I am embracing it. After all, spirituality is all about believing. I believe in Faeries and Angels and Fat Happy Traveler Buddhas.
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