Sometimes the Heaviest Burdens can be Lifted by a Kitten

Yesterday could have been a very bad day. It should have been the 31st birthday of my niece, Amanda. December is a tough month. Full of birthdays of people I love that are no longer around. This year on the 15th my Grandpa would have been 105. Maybe that's a high expectation but as a child I took it for granted that he would be around forever. My sister in law, Lori, had a birthday on the 21st. Then Amanda. She died when she was only 20. In a car accident. So, it was sudden. It shouldn't have happened. She and my daughter are 2 weeks apart so they should be talking about babies and husbands and getting older. It was 11 years ago but it doesn't feel like it. Time gets weird when you start getting old.
Yesterday morning a beloved relative died. She was a good one, a nice one. The kind of person that makes you feel loved just by walking into the room. I'm not going to share any personal details because I am not even a close relative. I just married someone and ended up in her family. But she didn't make me feel that way. I only saw her a handful of times in my life but they were important times. We sat together at a funeral recently. She introduced my husband to Uber. That by itself has changed our lives. Who you sit with at a funeral is important. I love funerals because of that reconnection or introduction to relatives you haven't spoken to. Cousins you never see. We rode together to the cemetery and enjoyed each others company. She reminds me of Tio Alofonso. I don't think anyone in my husbands family has been able to make me feel as loved as he did with just a smile. Some people have a light in their heart that is so bright it radiates and fills the room. She came to the hospital when my husband was there and I was scared. I hope she knew how much that meant to me.
Maybe that is why I felt like yesterday was the day that I had to get a kitten. Cleo died 10 months ago. I gave away all of my cat stuff because the grief was so heavy that I didn't think I could bear to love again. My doctors would approve. Last year I found out I am allergic to cats. I have issues with sleep and cats are not good for sleep. But I have a spiritual connection to cats. I have always felt like maybe I'm part cat. Silly, huh? As a child, when I needed a protector I would imagine that I would turn into a big black panther that was so strong and powerful that all the bad stuff would run away. I used to bring in strays from the back yard. At one point I had 7 stray cats in my house. My dad wouldn't allow me to have a cat so I would lie to him and hide the cats. After I grew up I learned that I wasn't as good at it as I thought. He knew more than I realized.
So, I took my granddaughters and my husband out. He drove. First we went to get luminaria supplies. I had paid for them weeks ago. It was a fundraiser for the daughter of a Facebook friend. We were 15 minutes late but fortunately we weren't too late. You can read about the tradition here..http://www.alpinelights.org/The-Tradition.html
Afterward we were going to drive to Salt Lake to look at some cats but I could feel that I was already getting tired. So, I told my husband to go to the local petsmart. We weren't even sure if we would get a cat but we were going to get supplies so that when I found my new buddy we would be ready. There was an adoption event but they turned out to be dogs so that didn't help. There were a lot of people. We went to where the cats were. They had 3 kittens! We decided to look at all 3. First the black furball. She looked like she was barely weened. So cute! Then a seal point siamese. 3 months old. That one was mellow. Then a gray furry one probably about 6 months old. It looked like it could be maine coon which was what I had been looking for. She just sat in my lap and purred. You can't rush these decisions. It may have been easier if I didn't have 2 excited little girls. I decided to listen to my spirit. The one I had the best connection with was the siamese. Weird. I have never wanted a siamese. They only took cash so Antar went to get cash while the girls and I shopped for kitty stuff. I was overwhelmed. Why did I get rid of everything?! It felt like so much to get and so much money and so many decisions. An employee came by and talked to me about it. She brought me a checklist and coupons and said that may help. It did. What really helped was when I reminded myself that we didn't need EVERYTHING. We got the most important things. We got our kitty and we left.
When I got in the car I looked at my phone and saw that the father of a friend at work had died that morning. That felt heavy. I was sad for my friend and it reminded me that I really miss that connection of seeing those people every day.
Then I decided to take a picture of my kitty to post it on Facebook.

Since we have been home I have had so many emotions. I haven't had a kitten in 15 years! I have gotten older, declawed, mellow cats. This guy is running around getting into stuff, scratching furniture and pouncing on me when I sleep! I woke up thinking, "why didn't I get the grey one?" I know why. I followed my heart.
Now I have a friend to follow me around when I can't sleep at 2:30am.

Today is Christmas eve. My grandchildren will help me with some decorating and tonight we will put the luminarias out front to light the way for Christmas day. As we light them we will think of the ones we have loved that have moved on. Grandpa, Lori, Amanda, Marcus, Tio Alfonso, Ana, my friend's dad and many more.
Merry Christmas

Hurry up and...

I just got back from the emergency room. I'm ok. Chest pain woke me up and my heart was racing so we went to check it out. But. I. Am. O. Kay.

I actually had a breakthrough over the past few hours. Lately my breakthroughs are not lightbulb moments. They are as slow as me with my walker. My lightbulbs take a few hours or days to fully illuminate. And that's okay.

I was reading an article written by a woman with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. (I've got that.) She talked about how becoming chronically ill was a gift. It gave her time to realize that she was a writer. Then she wrote a book and got it published.

I have been writing a lot more. I post all day long on Facebook. I write my daily blog posts. Maybe I could write a book. It has been suggested many times throughout my life.

When I first got home I went to my kitchen. When I am in the kitchen I always feel like it is a race. I realized that today. So, I asked myself, who are you racing? Me! The answer is me! My body! How much can I do before I have to sit down. Then I thought, "I have a walker so I can sit whenever I need to." But instead of using the walker I race. I need to change my habits. I growled a little bit. Habit changing is not my favorite and it is something I am doing continually these days.

I have been up since 1:30 and it is now 4:45. Pretty impressive actually. I woke up. struggled with whether to go to emergency, whether to wake up my husband, went on a 20 minute ride to the hospital, got checked out, came home, had a revelation and am now typing a blog entry in exactly 3 hours and 15 minutes. I also told the nurse I deserved a ribbon because I got out of there without having a single needle inserted into my body. Yes! I can now hear my beloved husband snoring in the next room. The joy of that sound soothes away the guilt of having to wake him up 3 hours earlier.

Ok. We are rolling back in time a little bit to when I first left the kitchen and sat down. I picked a Hallmark Christmas Movie. Antar asked me to change it to something I could watch without him especially since his favorite actress was in that one. I chose Finding Your Roots with Henry Louis Gates http://www.pbs.org/weta/finding-your-roots/home/. He is one of my favorite people and that is probably my number one favorite show. He did the intro where he tells who is on the show and what they have in common. It reminded me of my own family history. There is a story I want to copy for my kids and I haven't gotten that done. I am reminded of my love of family history and DNA tests. I want to do all of them. So far I have only had Ancestry https://www.ancestry.com/. And a DNA test of the bacteria in my sinus. That's not really my family though. I want those little guys dead. I'm such a sadist. Uh oh. off track again. That is easy to do. I love DNA and the new discoveries. Yesterday I was at my neurologist. I love that guy. He is going to do a genetic test to see how I react to different medications so that we can stop this trial and error business. There has been far too much error this year. There was a medical student with him. He has been studying Dysautonomia! I was so excited! I think he will be a good doctor too. It reminded me how bad I want to be a doctor and how that is not going to happen.

Anyway, back to today. As the introductory music and images are continuing on the screen is when my inspiration finally hit. Stop hurrying. Slow down. There is time for everything. I can do family history. I can write books. I can play the piano. I may not sing as well as I used to but I can still sing. I can play the guitar. I can make videos. I don't have to hurry. I can take years to get my house organized. It's ok that I go to bed at 6 and wake up at 1. It's ok that I don't take naps. It is ok that I don't attend all of the fun events that I find out about. It's ok that I don't go to work or school. My life is different now. I'm not like everyone else. There is a gift in that. I am just beginning to see it.

Dear 2017 this year I pretended.....and July 2017

Dear 2017 this year I pretended that if I tried hard enough everything would go back to normal. I didn't realize that I was pretending. It didn't work. Normal is not normal anymore. Maybe it never was. So, I have stepped out of fantasy and arrived in reality. I thought I liked fantasy better but I'm not a bad person and I am enjoying getting to know me.

July 2017
This is a scary post. I am hoping that writing about July will take some of the fear out of it. I am glad that I don't have to live it again. July took a lot of my hope away so it became a big scary monster.

Saturday, July 1, 2017 - We got the mold report back. It showed unhealthy mold in my bedroom and kitchen. It said is was mild and recommended air purifiers for those rooms to rectify the situation.
I took Antar to the Emergency Department for a bad headache.

Monday, July 3, 2017 - This was a terrible day. Antar(my husband) was in the Emergency Department in American Fork. He had a horrible headache. Not just any headache but a scary headache. The medications they were giving him were bringing his heart rate and respiration so low I thought he would die.
I had a PET scan that afternoon so I left my daughter, Kimberly, with her dad and drove to Provo. The PET scan was requested by the pulmonologist that was going to do the bronchoscopy. It was hard to leave Antar but this was important. The PET scan itself wasn't so bad but afterwards they did a Chest CT with contrast and we discovered that I was allergic. THAT was not fun. Especially because my father told me that was what killed my uncle a few years ago. The technician pulled me out of the machine and looked at me and ran to get the nurse. She realized something was wrong before I did. They gave me Benadryl. She said I was as red as her car. I was so weak that I couldn't stand. They got me to a bed where I rested. They called a doctor. They called my daughter and asked her to come get me. She said it was the worst day ever. She thought both of her parents were going to die in different hospitals. The doctor said it was a mild allergy and that I would be ok. That was mild?! I don't want to experience anything more severe.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017 - I saw a new neurologist. He referred me for a lumbar puncture to test me for MS. He suggested physical therapy for my migraines. In case you didn't know, neurologists love to talk about migraines. It is their favorite thing to do. He was no help when it came to dysautonomia. So far 3 neurologists and no help for dysautonomia.
I went for another infusion of IV fluids.
I saw the results for my PET scan online. It said I had adenopathy in the lymph nodes up and down my spine and in my liver. I have nodules in my lungs. It said I probably had lymphoma, sarcoidosis or castleman's disease. I also have atelectasis which is because the lymph nodes are taking up space that my lungs should be using to inflate.

Friday, July 7, 2017 - I had my lumbar puncture. I was supposed to go home and lie down for 24 hours. It didn't work out that way.
That afternoon I took Antar to a neurologist to follow up for his ER visit. He sent us back to the ER for a blood patch. He said there was a spinal fluid leak. While at the ER they said his Ddimer came back above 19000 so he was admitted to the hospital in Provo and put on a helparin IV.

Saturday, July 8, 2017 - We met our favorite doctor ever. A neurologist with an open mind that seemed to understand things. They did an angiogram and did not see a clot. They wanted to do another lumbar puncture to look for infection.

Sunday, July 9, 2017 - I had a horrible migraine
They did a lumbar puncture on Antar. They were surprised to find the pressure was not low. That indicated no spinal fluid leak. He had inflammation of the meninges. Possible Sarcoidosis. Are you freaking kidding me?! We discussed follow up. Increase amitriptyline and add indomethacin. We went home.

Monday, July 10, 2017 - It is believed that I have a headache from a spinal fluid leak because I didn't rest correctly after the puncture.
We made an appointment for Antar with the new neurologist.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017 - The pulmonologist called about the PET scan. He said I have Lymphoma or Sarcoidosis. He said that he wasn't going to do the bronchoscopy. He was referring me to a cardiothoracic surgeon to do a mediastinoscopy.
The cardiothoracic surgeon's office called me to schedule an appointment.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017 - I called to schedule a blood patch because I still had a headache.

Thursday, July 13, 2017 - I went in for the blood patch but they were going to give me contrast. I didn't do it.
I went to the ENT. My staph infection was worse than it was a month ago. More antibiotics. I guess I was mistaken. This is when we went to the topical antibiotic.

Friday, July 14, 2017 - I saw my primary doctor and had her sign the form allowing me to return to work.
I worked almost half a day. I started my antibiotic.

Monday, July 17, 2017 - I went to see the cardiothoracic surgeon to schedule the surgery. We discussed the PET scan and he answered my questions.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017 - we went to Idaho because my son graduated from college!!!! Yay Alex!!! He now has a BS in Nursing.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017 - We took Antar to see the new neurologist. He is awesome.

Thursday, July 20, 2017 - Mediastinoscopy. I hate surgery. The doctor said it looks like Sarcoidosis.

Saturday & Sunday, July 22 - 23, 2017 - I was having unusual constipation. No relief. Intense pain. It felt like menstruation. I almost went to Emergency but had a panic attack and went home.

Monday, July 24, 2017 - I went to Emergency because the pain was so intense. CT showed thickened colon, no diverticulosis. Sent home with Oxycodone and follow up with colonoscopy.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017 - I went to work. (determination!) No bowel movement. Lots of pain meds. Antar drove.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017 - I went to work. My throat hurt.
The surgeon called to tell me that I definitely have Sarcoidosis. He said the pain in my throat is because he biopsied the lymph nodes in my neck as well as my chest.
I got a colonoscopy scheduled for Friday.

Thursday, July 27, 2017 - I worked half of the day.
I saw a nephrologist. She didn't approve of my diet and wanted me to make a lot of changes. She said nothing but water to drink for a month and ordered lots of tests.
I went with Antar and we both saw the awesome neurologist. For Antar he put steroid injections in his neck and ordered a PET scan. His chest CT was normal. For me he agreed that Sarcoidosis is causing all of my problems. He explained that my neuropathy is peripheral where Antar's problems are in his central nervous system. He started me on Gabapentin. We discussed steroids and immunosuppressants but we can't use them while I have an infection.  He will help me find a Rheumatologist.

Friday, July 28, 2017 - I didn't make it to work. I had the colonoscopy. The doctor said I had ischemic colitis which is a stroke in my bowel. He said it was minor and healing so didn't need any follow up. The colon cleanse kept going for 24 hours after my colonoscopy. Not by prescription but because my body wouldn't keep anything I ate. It just passed straight through.

Saturday, July 29, 2017 - I started Gabapentin.

Sunday, July 30, 2017 - I was not feeling well. Headache. Itching. Racing heart.

Monday, July 31, 2017 - Heart still racing. Everything is too hard. I went to Emergency. I was dehydrated. They gave me 2 liters of IV fluids. We slept at the time share in Salt Lake City. It is only 5 minutes from work. I wanted to go to work!

Dear 2017 this year I overcame... and June 2017

This writing prompt is really difficult for me. I don't feel like I have overcome anything this year. I feel like I have been defeated. This year began full of possibilities and is ending with trying to accept that those possibilities are gone and I need to look for new ones.

June 2017

June was actually one of my better months this year.

Thursday, June1, 2017 - I worked all day, picked up a Pride T shirt for the parade even though I knew I couldn't attend because of my health, then I went for a massage. LONG day.
This post office is next to my acupuncturist where I got my massage. I love taking pictures of old Post Offices.

Friday, June 2, 2017 - I worked all day! After a long day that was pretty impressive.

Saturday, June 3, 2017 - I took my oldest granddaughter, Amanda, to Toys R Us. There was a LOT of traffic but we still had fun.

Monday, June 5, 2017 - I worked all day and then went for acupuncture.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017 - I worked all day. I started having pretty severe chest pain during the day but since I had experienced that before I decided to suck it up and push through it.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017 - I couldn't work because of the chest pain.

Thursday, June 8, 2017 - I worked all day. I did experience itching, hives and shortness of breath.

Friday, June 9, 2017 - I worked all day.

Monday, June 12, 2017 - I worked all day.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017 - I worked all day.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017 - I worked most of the day and went back to the ENT where I learned that I still had a sinus infection. He did a culture.

Thursday, June 15, 2017 - I went to the ER for severe itching. I didn't make it to work.

Friday, June 16, 2017 - I worked all day.

Monday, June 19, 2017 - I went to the Pulmonologist. FINALLY!!! She suggested a bronchoscopy. She said that she could not do it. She said that another doctor would be contacting me to schedule it. She prepared me for the possibility of not finding any answers.
I received a call from the ENT telling me that I had a staph infection in my sinus. He prescribed a topical antibiotic that I would use in my sinus rinse. My insurance didn't cover it so my son in law paid for it.
I went to my primary doctor to fill out paperwork because I would not be returning to work for a while. We also talked about IV fluids to keep me out of the ER. She said she couldn't prescribe that because she was a PA so I made an appointment with the MD that she works with.
That evening I started my new antibiotic.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017 - I saw the doctor about fluids. He referred me to a neurologist to be tested for MS and to a nephrologist. He also asked me to do an input/output diary for my fluids.

If you look closely at the picture you will see that my shoes don't match! :o

Friday, June 23, 2017 - I returned to the doctor with my input/output diary. He was shocked. He made the order for my IV fluids.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017 - The pulmonologist recommended a mold inspection so we had one done.

Thursday, June 29, 2017 - I went to the Infusion Center at the hospital for the first time. It was nice to be able to get fluids without going to the Emergency Department!
I went to see my primary doctor.

See! June wasn't so bad. I worked 10 days of the month! :)

Dear 2017 I met.... and I was diagnosed.... and May 2017

To my 11 faithful readers...Thank you! You are awesome!!!

Dear 2017 this year I met a LOT of medical professionals. I met Preston! He is the new guy on my team at work. I'm glad I got to meet him before I went on long term disability. I met some super nice ladies that brought me food! I met a lot of people through joining Younique and Amare and by accepting invitations to parties. I met Stephanie Rupp. She gives essential oil classes at her house. I met people through Facebook groups that I joined searching for answers and connections. I have really met a Lot of great people. This was a good prompt. I have been so lonely in my illness. It is nice to be reminded that I am not alone.

Dear 2017 this year I was diagnosed... Hahaha. This seems to be the theme of my blog lately. Ok. I will recap the diagnoses that I received this year. This year I was diagnosed with Baseline Tachycardia, Dysautonomia, Small Fiber Peripheral Neuropathy, Adenopathy, Sarcoidosis, Lactic Acidosis(we cured that one. Yay), Chronic Dehydration, Pneumonia(cured a couple times), Urinary Tract Infections(cured a couple times), Staphylococcus Aureus in my left Maxillary Sinus(ongoing). That's all I remember right now. But I think that's more than enough. Don't you? That doesn't include the diagnoses I had before the year started. I don't like this prompt. It's depressing.

May 2017

May was a big deal because I went to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. I had high hopes. I was still under the illusion that they would find the problem and fix it. That led to a lot of anger. I am learning that anger is not a bad emotion. It is how you express it that can be bad. I get angry sometimes. That's ok. It's healthy in fact.

I posted a lot on Facebook in May. Travel added some fun to the process. The Kahler was not my favorite hotel but you couldn't beat the convenience. I could got to my appointments and leave my husband in bed when I needed to. I also was not a big fan of the Mayo cafeteria. They were good for breakfast and very affordable. The restaurants in the hotel were really good but they were also very expensive. We found a nice little place with great burgers called CB3. Food was a big expense.

Tuesday, May 2, 2017 - I saw a neurologist at Mayo. In her defense I had unreasonable expectations of her. She didn't even come close to meeting them. I do not recommend her if you have Dysautonomia or Sarcoidosis. I'm sure she is great for other things. Just not my things. Another thing in her favor...She diagnosed me with Small Fiber Peripheral Neuropathy in my first visit based on the physical exam. One of the things we did was the Romberg test. You stand up straight with your arms straight out in front of you like Frankenstein. Then you close your eyes. For a normal person nothing happens. For me, I fall backwards and then I cry. I had a hard time doing it. Every time I would start to fall I would open my eyes to fix myself. She had to reassure me that I could trust her and that she would catch me. Trust doesn't come easy to me. That's probably why I cry. I had taken a list of ALL of my symptoms. She put in orders for several tests and visits to other specialists and I would return to see her before I went home. I learned from another doctor months later that the reason this happens is because the nerves in the bottom of my feet don't work like they should. Normally you can feel the floor beneath you to balance yourself. You don't need vision for balance. But I am not normal, am I? I need my eyes.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017 - I saw the sleep medicine doctor. It was a fun surprise because it was the same doctor I had seen several years before. He scheduled another sleep study, congratulated me on my weight loss and reminded me of the health effects of sleep apnea.
I also saw Endocrinology. This was a really good visit. He agreed with me that my Diabetes, although uncontrolled was not bad enough to cause all of my other health issues. He suggested the Keto diet. I told him I had already been on it for almost a month. He was impressed. We discussed medications but I wasn't ready to take any at that time.

Thursday, May 4, 2017 - I saw the Rheumatologist. He was not able to diagnose anything but he was able to rule things out. We talked about my Fibromyalgia. We discussed MCAS. He said the blood tests did not show I had that. We also discuss Sjogren's Syndrome that would explain the dehydration, dry mouth and dry eyes. The blood tests and 24 hour urine did not show I had that but he ordered a Chest CT. That was probably the best thing that happened at Mayo. I am so grateful for that Chest CT now. But at the time he just said he wanted me to follow up with Pulmonology. That department was not able to get me in while I was there and that was very stressful at the time.
I also went to Gastroenterology. She was very nice. She explained to me that Irritable Bowel Syndrome continues to get worse. That was very upsetting news. I thought I had that under control. She ordered a test for Gastroparesis. It actually came back the opposite. My food passed through my digestive system faster than normal. We discussed dietary changes that may help with digestion. I'm so tired of dietary changes. I wish I could just eat whatever I want. French Fries and Ice Cream please.

Friday, May 5, 2017 - I saw the Internal Medicine doctor. I loved her! I wish I could keep her for my every day doctor. I loved her. She really listened and really cared. I didn't feel like just another person coming through the Mayo Clinic. We talked about everything in her office first and then we went into the exam room. She did the most thorough breast exam I have ever experienced. She ordered an MRI of my brain because of my Migraines. That would prove very important in November. Every doctor I saw ordered more tests and more referrals. I had my blood drawn almost every day.
I had my Tilt Table Test that day. It was horrible. There were two people performing my test. They treated me like I was just another piece of equipment in the room. They were complaining about their coworkers the whole time. I didn't pass out. My heart rate and blood pressure rose. The conclusion was Orthostatic Intolerance. Translation: I can't handle standing up very long. When I was done I felt like I was going to die. The fight or flight took over. I had to sit for a few minutes but as soon as I could get my legs beneath me I got out of there as fast as I could. I did not want to look at or speak to the people who had tortured me. I got to my husband in the waiting area. He was upset because of how bad I looked. He wanted to go have a word with my tormentors but instead he took care of me. I still don't understand why he couldn't be with me for that test.
I had my Chest CT that day. It said that I didn't have what they were looking for but I had adenopathy and granulomas in my lungs. It would feel like forever before someone would explain that to me.
I saw the geneticist. I am sorry if I sound unkind but I am just telling you my feelings. He belongs in a lab somewhere not interacting with patients. He was so clinical. I felt like an idiot for not understanding how genetics works. I knew I wanted to be evaluated for Ehlers-Danlos. I thought that the geneticist does some tests and tells you what is wrong with you. In fact there are very few tests available and according to him most insurance won't pay for them. He said that although I met some of the criteria for Ehlers-Danlos it was not enough for a diagnosis. He did find a condition that was possibly the cause but it came back negative. At the end when he was done with his job a little personality popped out as he talked to my husband about Mopar racing.

Saturday & Sunday, May 6 & 7, 2017 - We spent time with old friends. It was nice.

Monday, May 8, 2017 - I saw a Dermatologist. I did not have any Sarcoidosis outbreaks on my skin at that time. She talked to me about my dry skin and how to take care of it.
I had a Pulmonary Function test. It was exhausting. If I didn't get the results she wanted she made me push harder until I did. They gave the best results to the doctor to read. They said it was normal.
I went to see the Cardiologist. That was a tough visit. I remember crying. He said that I have Baseline Tachycardia, Dysautonomia and Orthostatic Intolerance. He confirmed that my heart problems are neurological and not due to a heart problem. He gave me a prescription for compression stockings, talked to me about eating more salt and drinking more fluids. He was very nice.
I had an MRI of my head. It showed a partially empty sella and a sinus infection.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017 - I saw a Women's health doctor. She told me that my hormones are on a roller coaster and my body is getting ready for menopause. She also said that this could go on for years. She recommended an estrogen cream. She said that would also help decrease Urinary Tract Infections. I'm no longer using it because my current endocrinologist doesn't want me to. An important thing that happened in that appointment was that she told me I had Neuropathy in my genitals. We talked about my sexual dysfunction. Those are things that are hard to talk about. But guess what therapists! You can't just blame it all on child abuse. It is a real physical problem. I have avoided telling doctors about my mental health issues and past traumas because I want them to find the physical problem and not blame it on that.
I went back to the neurologist. She didn't have any new information for me. She told me I was very healthy. That was the wrong thing to say. I started crying and told her that if I were healthy I would be working. If I were healthy I would be in school. If I were healthy I would be working out with my trainer. I felt a little bad because I made her cry. She apologized. She did congratulate me on getting so much done in such a short time. She was impressed.
I had my sleep study that night. Not my favorite.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017 - I had my return visit with the sleep medicine doctor. He said my apnea was improved but it still needed to be treated. Now if I don't sleep on my back I don't have any problems. The problem with that is that I do not stay in one place while I sleep and asking me to do so is ridiculous because, guess what! I don't consciously decide when to roll over or move a leg or an arm. It just happens. We discussed that I cannot tolerate the cpap machine. He suggested I get an oral sleep appliance from a qualified dentist. I have one now.
I went to Urology. That wasn't helpful. She thought I was seeing her about my recurrent Urinary Tract Infections. I thought I was seeing her about excessive urination. She said she couldn't help with that.
We drove back to Saint Cloud for the night.

Thursday, May 11, 2017 - We flew to Arizona.

Saturday, May 13, 2017 - We participated in my granddaughter Esterlynn's 1st birthday party.

Sunday, May 14, 2017 - We drove to Laughlin, NV

Monday, May 15, 2017 - We drove home to Utah.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017 - I went to the dentist. I ended up needing 3 crowns this year because of grinding my teeth. My teeth are cracking.

Thursday, May 18, 2017 - I went to see a new Endocrinologist to see if she had any insight. She didn't address the dehydration or frequent urination. She said it was caused by Diabetes. When I asked her about treating the Diabetes she seemed to get angry and told me she wasn't treating me for Diabetes, that is what the Nurse Practitioners are for. I won't be returning to that office.
I ended up in the ER that afternoon for dehydration.

Friday, May 19, 2017 - I saw my primary doctor and told her I wanted to go back to work on Monday. She signed the form letting me go.

Monday, May 22, 2017 - I went back to work!!!! I love my job. I had my walker. I spent the first day doing trainings and reading email.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017 - I went to work again! After work I went to see my Cardiologist. He was very interested in my visit to the Mayo Clinic. He encouraged a Beta Blocker for the tachycardia. I think I waited a while before I accepted.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017 - I went to work!

Thursday, May 25, 2017 - I went to the dentist for one of the aforementioned crowns. I went to the ENT to talk about my sinus infection. I got a new antibiotic.

Friday, May 26, 2017 - I went to work! After work I went to the acupuncturist.

Monday, May 30, 2017 - Memorial Day

Tuesday, May 30, 2017 - I didn't go to work. I went to my primary doctor.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017 - I was late to work but I did work a good part of the day.

One day. I don't remember which. I was sitting in the cafeteria at Mayo and I got a call from the University of Utah to schedule my autonomic testing. Are you serious?!! I told them I was already getting that done at Mayo but I would like to use them for follow up care. I cried when I got off the phone. They never called me back.

#MeToo

Today for the 100th time I tried to post #metoo on Facebook. I feel like I talk about my abuse all the time. But I don't feel heard. I think it is because I was persuaded not to go to the police. I am always told that I need to forgive and be nice. But I want to say...What about me???  What I originally posted was...

Warning: This post will make you uncomfortable. You do not have to read it.

#metoo Ok. I am late to the party and my heart is pounding out of my chest as I write this. It is so terrifying. I know there will be backlash from my friends and family but METOO! I have PTSD from childhood sexual abuse. Let's talk about the consequences to all of mankind. I was probably 40 before I stopped seeing ALL men as sexual predators. There were a few exceptions but for the most part if he was male my brain thought he wanted to sexually abuse me in some way. When my sons became the age of my abusers I saw the difference. My sons are not predators. One day my brother in law came over to my house about 25 years ago and I wouldn't let him in. I know now he can be trusted. In fact, I have a lot of male friends now. I LOVE gay men because I KNOW they aren't interested in having sex with me so I can relax and enjoy our friendship. I was raised Mormon. When I was 15 and pregnant I was in a support group at LDS social services. Most of the girls in there were abused by their bishops. This problem is everywhere. I remember when my most prominent abuser (I had several) got a temple recommend. I was devastated. My safe place was violated. It was the one place I knew he could never enter. And now he could.

I was a withdrawn child and a promiscuous teen. I think my teens started at age 10.

I'm supposed to be kind and forgiving and worry about his feelings. Look the other way when he shows up in my safe places. Pretend I'm not terrified for my daughters and granddaughters when he is around them. I wish it had never happened. How many of my health and mental issues are caused by being treated as a sex toy before I was physically or emotionally developed? I am NOT the bad guy! Why do I feel the need to constantly defend myself for being a victim? For trying to protect myself? This is NOT ok.

This is the society that we live in. This is why people don't come forward. I'm afraid to post this and the last time I was victimized I was 27 so 20 years ago and the pain is still as fresh as if it just happened. I was victimized by a college professor. Guess how the school handled it? They transferred me and gave me straight A's for the semester even though I was too traumatized to go to class anymore. Everyone that I told about it blamed me. Most people are encouraged to remain silent. Nobody wants to hear about this. The world is awakening. We will not be silenced. We will change the climate of sexual predation! Do you know why it is scary? Maybe because if you open your eyes you will see that you have been affected. You were abused or someone you know was abused. Please. Let's make it all stop. Let the abusers see what they have done and face the consequences. Let them really repent and attempt restitution before you ask us to forgive.

That was super edited. I kept removing things I thought could be taken offensively. I only left it up for 5 minutes. When I took it down I put this in it's place...

I finally made a #metoo post. I left it up for 5 minutes! Whew! That was brave. lol

Then I went back and edited it to say...

I finally made a #metoo post. I left it up for 5 minutes! Whew! That was brave. lol

Now I am criticizing myself because this is technically a #metoo post because it contains #metoo so, you don't need to criticize me. It's been done. The other one shared how it affected me and my feelings but the truth is that I am too afraid of the reactions of my friends and family to share those things. In case you are wondering why people don't speak up...there ya go. I have spent probably 30 minutes to an hour with my heart banging out of my chest on this topic.

I'm exhausted.