What is a Good Day?

Yesterday at the infusion center the nurses kept telling me how great I looked and acted. It was hard for me to accept. But you know when people keep telling you that stuff it does improve your mood. Before I left one of them said, "You're smiling so you must be feeling good!" As I was leaving I wished there was a dance club attached to the hospital so I could go dancing for a minute. As I drove home (one nurse pointed out that I had put my walker in the trunk, drove to the hospital by myself, got the walker out of the trunk and walked into the infusion center all by myself.) Confidence by Demi Lovato came on and I partied a little bit in my car. I even shoulder danced a bit and daydreamed that Justin Timberlake saw me bopping my shoulder and started a conversation about me being a dancer. I have a very active imagination. I had listened to one of his songs on the way to the hospital so that probably had something to do with his involvement in my daydream. By the time I got home I was getting tired but my high hadn't ended. I walked to the mailbox without my walker! When I came in the house my husband remarked that I looked like I was doing well. I told him he must be right because the nurses thought so too. Instead of going to bed at 2pm I stayed up and ate something and watched TV with him for a little bit. I decided it was time to reevaluate what a good day is for me.

When I was a little girl most girls wanted to be teachers and nurses. It was the 1970's so when someone asked what a little girl wanted to be she didn't have a lot of options. I remember thinking I didn't want to be either of those things. I talked to my mom about it and she told me that I wanted to be President of the United States! I beamed. She was right. I was going to be President of the United States and I was going to be the best President of the United States EVER! I tell you this so you know something about my personality. My life took a different path. I hate to tell people this but I still haven't become President of the United States and it is unlikely that I ever will.

For me a good day would be waking up, showering, fixing my hair and makeup, preparing healthy food, going to work, being the most productive member of my team, celebrating someone's birthday or having a team potluck, having lunch with a friend, doing some volunteer work, listening to a self help book during my commute, attending college after work, coming home to play with my grandchildren, spend time with my husband, talk to one of my kids, practice an instrument and a new language, get ready for bed, sleep 8 hours and start again in the morning.

Now you understand why often times in the past year when my husband would say, "You look good today." I would get defensive. In fact, just 2 days ago, before bed, I was pouting to him. I said, "I wasn't very productive today." He said, "Yes you were! You made a recipe and you did dishes." I feel like he said something else but I don't remember it. In my mind I reminded myself that I need to change my expectations and I replied, "You are right. Thanks."

Yesterday I woke up feeling yucky. Often when people ask me how I feel I don't know what to say. Yesterday I told my son in law that I was better than some days and worse than others. But yesterday turned out to be a good day. I took a shower and went to the infusion center all by myself. That was my productivity. Not exactly President of the United States but I ended my day happy. That is important. I need to remember to judge myself not by how much I do but by whether I did my best.

I have this idea that because I don't go to work that I have time to practice 3 instruments and 8 languages every day along with cleaning and organizing my house, doing some dancing and preparing all of my meals. If I could do all of that I could probably go back to work. I need to be nice to myself. I know I would not put all of this pressure on anyone else. It's time to be nice to me.

Goal number one: Get my smile back. When I was working my friends called me sunshine because I was always smiling. Maybe if I lighten up the pressure I can find my smile again. Disabled people are allowed to smile. :)

Tracking Tracking Tracking

I do not like tracking. It doesn't matter what I am tracking whether it is symptoms or calories. I just don't like it. Even though I don't like it I am learning that it is important. I tracked my symptoms for a couple months last year and it really helped. I was able to refer back to it when doctors asked me questions. I don't know about you but when they do that to me my mind goes blank. It is just contrary to my personality to be consistent about anything. I do eat every day and sleep every day so that is something. Right? I will just build on that.

What I really need to start tracking is food. I have heard that the key is to track it before it goes in your mouth. Ugh. That used to be impossible because by the time I realized I was hungry I was starving and would just eat anything in sight to feel better. Since I have been doing keto and getting better at it I no longer have this issue. I have gotten better at preparing recipes to add diversity to my diet. So, I think it is a reasonable time to start doing this.

Why is this important? I am not losing weight. I believe that it is because I am eating too much. I know my diabetes doesn't help but I think it must still be possible so I am going to try. I will also see my macros to determine if something needs to be adjusted.

Wish me luck!

Depression Strikes

I'm really trying to stop asking why. Over the past year I have learned that doctors don't have answers to every little weird symptom that I experience.

Right now I am depressed. It's bad. When I start feeling that way the ugly thoughts come in. Nobody loves me. Nobody wants me around. Yesterday my husband told me that the way I have been talking to him makes him feel bad. He needs me to be nicer. It's good that he pointed that out so that I can make an effort to be kinder to him. I think that's a symptom of the depression. It is harder to be nice when I'm depressed.

I can't help but wonder what brought this bought of depression on. I saw my endocrinologist for my Diabetes a couple weeks ago and he smiled and told me I was doing great. That is so nice. I have a bad feeling associated with endocrinologists because they usually tell me to exercise more, change my eating habits and take more medication. They seem to do it all with a scowl on their face. It really feels like they think that anyone that has Diabetes has it because they signed up for it. Like, we went to McDonalds and ordered uncontrolled type 2 Diabetes because we get some sort of pleasure from our disease.  I hope that is not really their thought process but that is how they make me feel. So, on the rare occasion when I see the doctor and he is happy with my progress I feel like I have won the lottery.

How do I control my Diabetes? I eat a low carbohydrate ketogenic diet. This is not easy. I am a picky eater and I am easily bored with food. That means that I spend most of my energy on food. I look for new recipes, I shop for food, I prepare my food. I also inject 2 different kinds of insulin. Long acting and short acting.

Why am I going on about Diabetes when I started talking about Depression?

Normal glucose readings are between 80-100. My diabetic goal is between 100-120. This morning my fasting glucose was 198. I haven't been below 160 for a week. Yesterday it was 218. I think this is causing my Depression. Blood sugar changes can cause mood swings.

I recently learned how Insulin works. It takes the excess sugar(glucose) in the blood and turns it into fat. So, 4 times a day I give myself and injection to make myself fatter. That makes me so sad. I am already overweight. I can barely exercise. I push myself as much as I can. I don't eat sugar. I am still gaining weight. I cannot quit eating. Today I am up to 199.4 pounds. I am 5'9" tall.

What has caused the Diabetes to flare up? I have never heard of anyone talk about a Diabetes flare. I really think that's what this is. I have Sarcoidosis. Are there granulomas in my Liver or Pancreas causing this? I have Dysautonomia. Is there something going on with my nerves in these organs that is causing this? I don't know the answers and I don't know if anyone does. I have Small Fiber Neuropathy. Is there any relationship between that and Diabetes?  When I start down this train of thought I daydream about being a research scientist and finding answers.

There have been storms. Winter finally made it to Utah this year. My husband had been talking about removing my snow tires because it had been so warm. Now, he is thankful he didn't. Can weather cause a Diabetic flare?

Well, I don't know the answers but I know I am depressed.

So, what I can do is think of things I am grateful for. I have a lot of people that love me. I have been happily married for almost 26 years. My husband is my best friend. I have 4 beautiful children who love me. I have 2 amazing daughters in law that love me. I have a son in law that helps to take care of me. I have 9 fabulous grand children and 2 more on the way. One of my grandchildren is a 2 year old grandson who loves to play with my Darth Vader and Storm Trooper toys. He holds them and says pew pew and laughs. I am smart. I look young. My husband thinks I am beautiful. I also have parents, siblings, in laws, friends, and they all love me.

Today I will force myself to sing a song. I have had some requests. I know there are at least 2 people who enjoy me singing on Facebook live. Singing with Sarcoidosis. Wouldn't it be great if I could cure Depression and Sarcoidosis by singing? hahaha

To anyone who took the time to read this - Thank you!