Right now I am depressed. It's bad. When I start feeling that way the ugly thoughts come in. Nobody loves me. Nobody wants me around. Yesterday my husband told me that the way I have been talking to him makes him feel bad. He needs me to be nicer. It's good that he pointed that out so that I can make an effort to be kinder to him. I think that's a symptom of the depression. It is harder to be nice when I'm depressed.
I can't help but wonder what brought this bought of depression on. I saw my endocrinologist for my Diabetes a couple weeks ago and he smiled and told me I was doing great. That is so nice. I have a bad feeling associated with endocrinologists because they usually tell me to exercise more, change my eating habits and take more medication. They seem to do it all with a scowl on their face. It really feels like they think that anyone that has Diabetes has it because they signed up for it. Like, we went to McDonalds and ordered uncontrolled type 2 Diabetes because we get some sort of pleasure from our disease. I hope that is not really their thought process but that is how they make me feel. So, on the rare occasion when I see the doctor and he is happy with my progress I feel like I have won the lottery.
How do I control my Diabetes? I eat a low carbohydrate ketogenic diet. This is not easy. I am a picky eater and I am easily bored with food. That means that I spend most of my energy on food. I look for new recipes, I shop for food, I prepare my food. I also inject 2 different kinds of insulin. Long acting and short acting.
Why am I going on about Diabetes when I started talking about Depression?
Normal glucose readings are between 80-100. My diabetic goal is between 100-120. This morning my fasting glucose was 198. I haven't been below 160 for a week. Yesterday it was 218. I think this is causing my Depression. Blood sugar changes can cause mood swings.
I recently learned how Insulin works. It takes the excess sugar(glucose) in the blood and turns it into fat. So, 4 times a day I give myself and injection to make myself fatter. That makes me so sad. I am already overweight. I can barely exercise. I push myself as much as I can. I don't eat sugar. I am still gaining weight. I cannot quit eating. Today I am up to 199.4 pounds. I am 5'9" tall.
What has caused the Diabetes to flare up? I have never heard of anyone talk about a Diabetes flare. I really think that's what this is. I have Sarcoidosis. Are there granulomas in my Liver or Pancreas causing this? I have Dysautonomia. Is there something going on with my nerves in these organs that is causing this? I don't know the answers and I don't know if anyone does. I have Small Fiber Neuropathy. Is there any relationship between that and Diabetes? When I start down this train of thought I daydream about being a research scientist and finding answers.
There have been storms. Winter finally made it to Utah this year. My husband had been talking about removing my snow tires because it had been so warm. Now, he is thankful he didn't. Can weather cause a Diabetic flare?
Well, I don't know the answers but I know I am depressed.
So, what I can do is think of things I am grateful for. I have a lot of people that love me. I have been happily married for almost 26 years. My husband is my best friend. I have 4 beautiful children who love me. I have 2 amazing daughters in law that love me. I have a son in law that helps to take care of me. I have 9 fabulous grand children and 2 more on the way. One of my grandchildren is a 2 year old grandson who loves to play with my Darth Vader and Storm Trooper toys. He holds them and says pew pew and laughs. I am smart. I look young. My husband thinks I am beautiful. I also have parents, siblings, in laws, friends, and they all love me.
Today I will force myself to sing a song. I have had some requests. I know there are at least 2 people who enjoy me singing on Facebook live. Singing with Sarcoidosis. Wouldn't it be great if I could cure Depression and Sarcoidosis by singing? hahaha
To anyone who took the time to read this - Thank you!
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