What I Have Learned About Forgiveness

I was raised that forgiveness is something I can order like a hamburger at McDonald's. I forgave because it was a commandment. Forgiveness was pretending that the bad thing never happened, denying consequences and pretending that I didn't remember the bad thing. Forgive and Forget. That is what people would say. I didn't know how to do that. I felt like I was broken. People said that I held grudges. It was a point of shame for me. 

Since I left organized religion I have had to reclaim vocabulary words. Faith, Worship, and several more. Forgiveness has been a big one. I have had to redefine forgiveness. I have had to figure out what forgiveness really is to me. 

I am 50 now. As I have gotten older my memory is not what it used to be. I don't know if that is because of normal aging or because of my health issues. But the traumas that I have experienced are emblazoned in my brain like scorched wood. No matter how hard I try I cannot just forget my traumas. Pretending that I can is not only impossible, it is not healthy. 

Does that mean I cannot ever forgive? Am I not capable of forgiveness? Does christianity have a monopoly on forgiveness? Since I am not christian, does that mean that I am not worthy to forgive?

No.

The answer to all of those questions is no.

So, what is forgiveness? How do I forgive?

The first lesson is that forgiveness is for the person doing the forgiving. It is not for the person we are forgiving. It is not for Jesus or some other deity. It is a completely selfish act. It is an act of self healing. 

Selfish. That is another word I am reclaiming. Being selfish is not a bad thing. Everyone needs to take care of themselves first. That is the first step in self care.

Forgiveness is letting go of anger. Before we can do that we have to allow ourselves to feel. We have to feel the anger, sadness, pain, sorrow and whatever other feelings are in there. This step can take years. For me it took over 40 years in one case. But that is because I had labeled these feelings as bad and didn't allow myself to feel them. When I allow myself to feel them they process much more quickly. I had a lot of anger. 

I need to express my feelings. That doesn't have to mean confronting the person who hurt me. It can be through art or exercise. The way I express and release my feelings is as unique as I am. 

After I processed my feelings I was able to look at the painful experiences differently. They will always be a part of my past. I cannot change the past. No one can. But I can accept the past. I can accept what happened to me. This includes forgiving myself. I can accept what I have done. 

I was surprised that forgiving someone that I had not been able to forgive for so long felt like a betrayal. It felt like I was doing something wrong. So I had to forgive myself for forgiving someone who had hurt me and others. 

When it comes to the people that I have forgiven the next step is deciding how I move forward in my relationship with them. There is not one answer to that. I decide this on a case by case basis. It depends on who they are, what they have done, how they have changed and who they are now. What choices are they making now? Are they safe? What is the best choice?

Forgiveness is:

1. Allowing myself to feel all the feelings for as long as that takes.

2. Expressing my feelings in a healthy way.

3. Accepting what happened and that it is part of my life story.

4. Choosing the best way to move forward.

Now that I know how to forgive, I can move forward in my healing journey. 

My Value Is Not Stored in My Waist

Let’s talk about my waistline....

When I was 15 I had a 28 inch waist. I have been trying to get back there every time I have lost weight. I am now 50 and it’s not happening. Yesterday I accepted that it’s not because I am fat. 

Yesterday I weighed myself and learned that I had accidentally lost 5 pounds. I was 5 pounds below my goal weight. That’s not good. Sarcoidosis and Dysautonomia can both cause weight loss. I have never needed to think about it before because I have been fat since before diagnosis.

I decided it was a great time to take my measurements! Of course I was comparing them to age 15. That was a learning experience.

Age 15 measurements:

Bust: 36

Waist: 28

Hips: 36

Age 50 measurements:

Bust: 37.5

Waist: 31.5

Hips: 36

Realization number one. I lost pounds but not inches. How is that even fair? My measurements at 130 pounds are exactly the same as my measurements at 135.

I know that I am not fat but my brain thinks that I must be. 

How did my bust grow if my boobs are no longer perky. They are deflated balloons. My rib cage is 34 inches so that implies that I do have actual boobs. But I swear that they aren’t there! 

My hips are the same which is also shocking because my butt is just sagging elephant skin now. 

But the waist! I watched Scarlett O’Hara claim that only a 24 inch waist would do. I thought I was a big girl because mine was 28. Now it is 31.5. I must be a cow. 

But I am not! I know I am not. I decided that maybe waists are supposed to get larger as we age. So, I googled it and learned a few things. 

1. Muscles relax and expand with age. 

2. Skin relaxes and expands with age. 

3. If your spine is compressing from degenerative disc disease like me then as it makes you shorter your waist expands to make room for the stuff inside. 

4. Hormones from menopause can add to your waist. 

So there you go. Even if you have never been fat your waist is going to be larger at 50 than it was at 15. And that’s ok!

Exercise may help but it’s not guaranteed. 

You have not done anything wrong. 

I have normal 50 year old boobs. 

I have a normal 50 year old waist.

I have a normal 50 year old butt. 

I have a normal 50 year old body. With some extra conditions to deal with. 

I am on a journey to love the body I am in. I actually felt prettier at 200 pounds than I do at 130 pounds. So I am working on me. I am seeing a therapist for body dysmorphia. I am telling the girl in the mirror that I love her and she’s perfect just the way she is. 

The same goes for you! I love you! You are perfect just the way you are! Your value isn’t in a number on a scale or a measuring tape or a calendar. Your value is innate. You were born with it. I celebrate you and your body. 

article from Harvard Medical on waist size

When The Going Gets Tough...It Is Exhausting

People used to tell me that if I had enough faith I would be healed. In the energy world it's the secret. The power of positive thinking will make everything work in your favor. I know I have talked about this before but when the going gets tough I always come back to it. Hope is my thing. I am Positively Susie. I plan for everything to go my way. Always! That is the way I live my life. The year that I ended up back on disability my new years resolution was to not use my vacation days for illness. What has been proven to me time and time again is that control is an illusion. That is what people are trying to do with faith and positivity. They are trying to control the outcome. I recently learned that controlling adults had traumatic childhoods. The more controlling they are, the more traumatic their childhood was. Telling them that they are controlling will not heal their trauma. Trust me. I have had many people tell me in my adult life that I was controlling. It has not protected me from having trauma in my adult life. 

So, what happened today to trigger this insight? Why am I talking about faith and positivity again? Let me tell you. 

In March 2020 as the world was turning into chaos at the rise of the covid 19 pandemic, the stars seemed to align and bring me everything I ever wanted. Well, almost. I was still disabled. My husband was still disabled. Some of my relationships were less than perfect and I didn't live on a beach. But! We were able to buy a home that felt perfect and adopt a couple of adorable puppies and go into a ton of debt to make our house just the way I wanted it. It was ok because I had a plan. I was excited. Part of this plan was that my husband would continue to drive for Uber part time so I could pay off the debt. 

Uber was such a gift to my husband. Since he became disabled back in 2000 he has been looking for something that he could do part time, when he felt well enough, and that he enjoyed. He didn't find it until 2017. In Uber he found a job where he didn't have a boss and he didn't have to show up if he didn't feel well. It wasn't meant to be relied upon. It was just meant for fulfillment. 

That was a year ago. What does that have to do with today? 

Let's go back to September 28, 2020. My husband has a rare condition called Multiple Venous Malformations. One of these malformations is in his head and presses against the eustachian tube in his left ear, sealing it off. That caused pressure to build up in his ear. It was uncomfortable. So, we went to an Ear Nose and Throat doctor who kindly offered to put a tube in the tympanic membrane so that air could circulate and relieve the pressure. My husband accepted. Unfortunately, the relief never came. You see he ended up having a bad reaction to the tube. His ear got infected and his tympanic membrane disintegrated.  He was finally referred to a surgeon to reconstruct the membrane. 

Fast forward to January 7, 2021. That was the day of surgery. It turns out that a tympanic membrane is pretty important. Because of the exposure he had chronically inflamed tissue in his ear and the bones in his inner ear had fused together. The surgeon reconstructed the ear canal because it was oddly shaped and made it difficult to work. He replaced the incus bone with a prosthetic, removed the inflamed tissue and used a cartilage graft to make a new tympanic membrane. He anticipated that my husband would be back to rideshare driving within a couple of weeks. 

He was wrong. 

Today is March 23, 2021. My husband is basically deaf in his left ear. He is finally recovering from another infection in that same ear. Since the surgery he has had to go to a hearing and balance center to deal with vertigo in his inner ear. He has had 2 emergency hospital visits because of pressure headaches in his central nervous system.  He has worked with his neurologist to find the cause and treatment to no avail. The vertigo is slightly improved. The pressure headache has improved. But he is still miserable. Today we found out why. 

When humans are babies they have more bones. That is because some of the bones fuse together as they grow. Part of these bones form a container that houses the inner ear. My husband had a CT today. In the CT the doctor was able to see that my husband was missing some of the bone that is supposed to protect his ears. This is true for both of his ears. The doctor believes that when my husband was a child he had a lot of ear infections. Because of the ear infections he formed scar tissue in places where he should have bone. The scar tissue is not able to regulate pressure in the same way that bone does, Because of this my husband has always been extra sensitive to pressure changes. Because of the surgery, this is now worse in his left ear than it was before the placement of the tube last September. 

We don't know if my husband will ever completely get rid of his vertigo. We don't know if he will ever regain his hearing. Most likely he will need to adjust to a new normal. We don't know if that new normal will include driving for Uber. He said that he is starting to get used to the ringing in his ear caused by the hearing loss. He has an appointment to see if hearing aids are an option. He is going to see the hearing and balance specialist for exercises to help with his vertigo. If his situation hasn't improved in 6 months he can decide if he wants to undergo another surgery to repair the bone that didn't form as a child. 

What we do know is that life for my husband is harder than we thought it would be. Before his surgery, in January, we started a vegan diet in hopes that we could be healthy old people. But for us it seems that being diagnosed with new strange things is our normal. Even when we believe it will be different. Even when we think positive and have faith. We get knocked down and we get up again and we say, ¨We got this.¨ But then there is another this to get. and another. and we get tired. 

Tonight I am tired. We have been knocked down too many times. We are tired. 

In this diagram the spongy looking parts are the bones I was referring to. For my husband the bony part above what looks like bunny ears is what has been replaced by scar tissue. It is amazing how very important every tiny bit of the human body is.

Tips for People Diagnosed with POTS after Covid 19 or Any Other Time

Photo by Hush Naidoo on Unsplash

A lot of people who recover from Covid end up with POTS.

What is POTS?

Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome

It is not rare. It is just seldom diagnosed so people suffer and don't know why. 

POTS is a malfunction of the autonomic nervous system. Your autonomic nervous system controls everything that you don't think about. IE: breathing, digestion, heart rate, blood pressure, body temperature... It can manifest as problems in any of these areas. It may be too fast or too slow or flip back and forth. Symptoms include but are not limited to: dehydration, tachycardia, bradycardia, low blood pressure, high blood pressure, constipation, diarrhea, nausea, vomiting, passing out, lightheadedness and more. You don't have to have all of the symptoms and they may not be consistent.

Covid affects the neurological system. The evidence is loss of taste and smell being common symptoms. 

My daughter has POTS and recently shared some tips from her experience. She started suffering in middle school. We lived in Rochester, Minnesota so I took her to the Mayo Clinic for all of her medical care. Still, she remained undiagnosed until she was in her 20s. Her symptoms were so frightening that she was hospitalized several times to try to determine what was causing the symptoms. She has still managed to live a fairly normal life. 

Here is her advice written to someone who was recently diagnosed with POTS from Covid:

A part of me was in denial about your diagnosis. I really don't want you to have pots but I can't stop you from having pots. 

So to sum up 15 years of health education for you here are my words of wisdom.

•Pain management classes:

Even if you aren't in a lot of pain right now they teach you a lot. My parents became disabled when I was 7 and my health issues started when I was 12 so indirectly I learned from their pain management classes. 

(Mom here - My husband and I both attended pain rehabilitation at the mayo clinic. They teach you how to manage chronic pain with minimal medication. They encourage alternative therapies.)

•a breathing specialist:

I saw one for my migraines and in the past 10 years I've learned that you're breathing controls so much of your body. What you learn from a breathing specialist can be applied to a lot of pots episodes. 

(She is referring to breathing exercises to help manage POTS symptoms. This is different than respiratory therapy.)

•a nutritionist:

Your body's going to start reacting differently to a lot of foods and it can become overwhelming. Don't try and track it all by yourself if you can find a trustworthy nutritionist who knows what they're talking about It's a lot faster and a lot easier.

•physical trainer with heart condition experience

I see Dr Goodman the pot specialist at the Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale and he said there's no cure for pots or the damage that it's already done. The best chance is to stay preemptive and ahead of it. exercising is going to strengthen your body so you're nervous system and your heart don't have to work as hard. That being said I've also considered seeing a sleep specialist but I'm 27 and awkwardly stubborn 🤣 let me know if you decide to do that.

Lastly,

•Tight Clothes and Sodium

You want to go back to work and I think you can still do your job. It's just going to be a different approach. It's kind of like learning how to live again, tight clothing I love corsets and super tight workout clothes. I have a cousin who loves bodysuits anything that helps support your body is going to put less work on your heart and that's going to help a lot. The sodium helps you retain your fluid but for some reason when you have pots you don't retain it very well and so your sodium is going to help a lot. 

I'm Mexican and grew up eating Lucas and Tajin and so I like to get the beer salt in the liquor section and just eat it by itself cuz it's flavored. BCAs are excellent, I also rotate gatorade and Liquid IV. 

(Compression helps circulation. compression stockings and abdominal compression are recommended. Lots of salt and fluids are also recommended.)

That being said, avoid chasing a cure. Hope for accidentally curing yourself, but find peace in knowing you might not. 💙 Having POTs can be fun, scary but fun. 

Thank you for reading my novel 💖🤣

Susie again:

I hope you find these tips helpful. I wish I had known what was going on when she was 12 and this first started. It was scary. But she still managed to play football and golf and be very active in school and church. She is amazing. She also has to deal with ADD and Dyslexia. But she does it. She is a success. 

She was told that it was safer to play football than to run cross country because of passing out. If you pass out during football you land on turf which is soft and you are being watched so someone will know right away. She had to give up cross country running because of the possibility of passing out on a street or sidewalk and not having anyone around to take care of her.

I have Dysautonomia which is a more generic form of the same thing. I was told that I need 6-8gm of sodium per day to keep my blood pressure up. This is a new symptom for me. I used to have high blood pressure. But I was still encouraged to consume sodium for my Dysautonomia. I also need to drink a gallon of water every day. This helps with lightheadedness, low blood pressure and tachycardia symptoms. I have to take heart medication every day to slow my heart. Every patient is different so it is important to see a knowledgeable doctor and seek proper treatment. Not everyone can get in to see Dr Goodman. I see a heart rhythm specialist. He diagnosed and treats me. I use a rollator because I need to sit frequently. I cannot stand in lines.

You can have a happy life with a wonky nervous system.