After Death

Before I get started on life after Marcus I have to share something else that happened. I have another beautiful son in law. His name is James. The night after the appendectomy, Wednesday, October 12, 2016, he broke his leg playing soccer. I am not an athlete. I don't know a lot about soccer. So, my first thought was "How do you break your leg playing soccer?" I guess he and a bigger guy kicked the ball at the same time. That's how you do it.

Monday, October 17th. After Marcus died. We were all in shock. I can't tell you really what everyone was doing. There was pizza that no one was eating. We were spread between the room with Marcus, the little room they gave me to cry and the waiting area. I was going between all 3 trying to be with everyone. After they told us he died Antar was upset with one of the doctors. I don't remember what he said I just remember that he was angry and he was telling the doctor all about it. The doctor was patient and kind. I'm sorry I can't remember their names. The two ladies that went with me when I first left the room to cry stayed with us, bringing warm blankets and beverages. They found a small room where 3 doctors, Edna & I went to call Cherie and Mike to tell them what happened. That was hard. Mike said they were on their way. The doctors told us that they wanted to do an autopsy to figure out what happened. Edna agreed. She said he was an organ donor. They said that because of the cancer his organs were not viable but that they may be able to use his eyes. Edna said that she wanted to see him.

We went back to the room where Marcus was. It was now basically empty. I have a picture of that moment when Edna laid down with him and cried on his chest but we decided that was too personal to share. There was crying but mostly just sitting. I went and told all the family that they could come in. Some came. Most didn't. I sat there with Edna while people came and went. I had a hard time sitting still so I came and went a lot too. Hannah sat with Edna. Brock stayed with Edna for a long time. The coroner came. He said that the autopsy was unnecessary so they weren't going to do it. He said Marcus died from the cancer. The man from the funeral home came. I know his name was Hyrum because we would see him almost every day that week. It felt like we stayed there a very long time. Edna wasn't going to leave before Marcus. They finally came and took the body. 

Until I went to sleep that night I was chanting mostly in my mind but occasionally aloud "But he was alive this morning." I felt like I got a thousand texts asking where Edna & I were going and what we were doing. We were in a haze. She didn't know and I didn't feel it was right to push. I wanted to wait until she knew what she wanted. Tony had arranged an air bnb for the family. Edna's options were open. At first she said that she didn't want to go home. It took a long time to get out of the room and down the elevator. Junior was there. I'm not sure if he was there the whole time but when we got downstairs he was there with his wife. Edna needed to sit. She said she was going to throw up. I was looking everywhere for an emesis basin. I thought it was ridiculous how difficult it was to find one in a hospital. She sat for a while and then she was ready to go. They sent me for the car. I thought it was strange that the sun was shining. How can the sun be shining when Marcus just died? Should the sky reflect the horror? Shouldn't there at least be rain? We spent the evening with Alex & Tony and their families at Alex & Molli's apartment. We went to the airport to greet Mike and Cherie. Then we went back to Edna's apartment and went to sleep. Edna, Esterlynn, Roscko(the dog), and I in a queen size bed. We slept. 

Tuesday, October 18th - Thursday, October 20, 2016. The one relief of this day was that I could no longer say, "But he was alive this morning." Honestly the next few days a little mashed together in my brain. We went to the funeral home several times. Planning the funeral took up a lot of our week. It was hard. The emotions were so heavy. Edna was having trouble making decisions. At one point we were alone together in the funeral home. She said that she didn't want his funeral to be like Amanda's. Amanda is my niece, Edna's cousin. She was killed in a car accident when she was 20 years old. I told her that I remember Amanda's funeral being beautiful. All of her friends wore pink bandanas and got up and talked about her. Edna said everyone was sad. After talking a little while I told her that I think the part she doesn't like is that it is a funeral. We are having a funeral because Marcus died. We can't get around that. 

When we were with people she was all smiles but when we were alone she would cry and talk to me. 

I had a goal. I was going to get Edna packed and moved and get Marcus' life insurance and plan the funeral all before Sunday so that I could go to work on Monday. Bah! I was delusional. 

We went to where Marcus worked to do the paperwork for the life insurance. We ended up in a conference room with all of the employees of the store talking about Marcus. It was nice. Mike & Cherie were there with us. Marcus's coworkers loved him. 

Throughout all of this I was texting my manager from work. I think it started because I had to let him know that I wouldn't be at work on Monday. Then he checked in with me every day. Several of my teammates from work texted me too. One night I was having trouble sleeping and my friend Phay texted me memes until I went to sleep. That was nice. 

I wanted to pack but there was so much to do. Every time we went on an errand we found 2 or 3 more errands that needed to be done. Through all of this more family and friends were arriving. Everyone was texting, calling, dropping off food, asking how they can help. It was overwhelming. I told people Edna doesn't need flowers. That would just be more to figure out what to do with. I said to give her money instead. Marcus was the one who worked. Edna had a 5 month old baby to care for. People would help even when I said no. It was like they needed to. There was so much food. We kept taking it to the air bnb where our family was staying.

We had dinner at the air bnb. Tony & Rachel worked hard to make sure that everyone had a place to sleep and food to eat while they were there. They even made a special salsa that followed my low fodmap diet. It was so good. Salsa is not easy to make without onions and garlic.

Antar went back to Arizona on Tuesday to get Kimberly & her family. It was really hard on James that his leg was broken and he wasn't able to do much to help. They all arrived on Wednesday. In that air bnb were all of my kids and their children when Edna & Esterlynn were there. I was just too wrapped up in everything that was going on to be able to enjoy it. Everyone was emotional because we all loved Marcus. 

Wednesday evening we had cake and sang Happy Birthday because Gabby turned 3. 

Thursday, October 21, 2016 On this day something I had been dreading happened but it turned out to be the highlight of the week. Edna and Marcus had a friend named Jake that they went to college with. We went that night to pick him up from the airport. I really thought he was going to get in the way. Edna wanted him to sleep on the couch in the apartment where she and I were staying. It turned out that I was so glad that he was there. I told him that if I could afford it, I would pay him to be my personal assistant and just be there all the time waiting for me to tell him what I needed. That is what he did that weekend. He carried things, he told jokes, we had fun conversations, whenever I needed something I told him. He didn't question me, he just did what I asked. I guess I helped him too. He said that when he felt like he was fighting off tears I would say something funny and he would laugh instead. Also, he helped Edna. The night he arrived I went to bed and he and Edna stayed up talking until early in the morning. He was the first person to make her genuinely laugh. I've noticed something about college buddies. It's like they share a bond that those of us that weren't there aren't a part of. Marcus was a part of that. 

Friday, October 22, 2016 The night before Marcus siblings arrived. Chris and Carlene came to the air bnb so we got to meet them. My brother, Jack arrived. I can't remember when my nephew Jackson arrived but he was around. My friend and my children's godmother, Ann, arrived. Jack got a hotel room and Antar went and stayed with him so they could get some rest. Mike & Cherie had been in a hotel since they arrived. They needed space which was understandable. Still, they were with Edna most of the time. Edna & I went to lunch with Marcus' family at a restaurant that belonged to some of Edna's friends.

My parents arrived with my Aunt Kandy. My dad did an amazing thing. He offered to pay for everyone to go to eat. We got a private room at Denny's. All of the people from Edna's side of the family plus Jake & Ann were there. There were about 25 of us. It was nice. Edna rode to and from with my brother, Jack. He lost his wife to cancer so he understands her in a way that most of us can't. Jake and I rode with Ann. That was nice. I really miss my friends from Minnesota. 

Saturday, October 23, 2016 The funeral ended up not being until 2pm in the afternoon which was good. Edna went shopping in the morning with Kimberly and Rachel. They got some cute stuff. I wasn't up to it. I don't really remember what I did that morning. The viewing was at 2. Marcus was cremated. He was put into 3 John Deere canisters. On for Cherie, one for Edna and the littlest one for Esterlynn. Edna gave the leftover ashes(he was a big guy) to Marcus' childhood friend, Tyler. Someone had taken the time to arrange pictures on a table with flowers and the the largest canister. We sat in the front of the room for an hour while so many people came to cry, give a hug and express condolences. After about 3 hugs Edna said, I'm not hugging anymore. I'm too tired. We met more of Marcus' family. Antar led a family prayer and then we went into the chapel for the service. It was nice, about an hour. There were no hymns. We did have an opening and closing prayer. Mike & Candace(Marcus' sister) started the life sketch, then Tyler, then Brock, then Edna. After that anyone that wanted to got up and shared what they needed to say. Tony, James & Hannah sang a musical number. I sang the first verse of Amazing Grace and the chorus of Carry On. Edna was doing great. Or appeared to be. After the service she told me "I need to get to the bathroom". Everyone wanted to be with her. I got a little idea of what it is like to fight off the paparazzi. After going to the bathroom she said that she was so cold. I left her on a couch and went to get her a coat. She couldn't go into the area where the food was because it made her nauseous. She didn't see the slide show that Tony made or the nice arrangement of all the flowers and pictures in that room. Jackson came to the couch and played some music for her. A few people gathered around her. Eventually she said that she needed to go. It was about 5pm. I took her home. I had a bad feeling. She didn't look right. The baby was so fussy. Her best friend Emma came over. I called the nurse line for our insurance. That was frustrating. After getting off the phone I said, "I think you need to go to the emergency room. I just wanted a second opinion." Emma said, "I think you are right." That is all I needed. We left the baby with Emma and took Edna to the ER. I let Antar know and I texted everyone I could think of that wanted to know. Somehow I missed Jackson & Hannah. I am sorry for that. We were back in the same hospital where Marcus had died. Jake stayed in the waiting room. Jack and Antar came. Cherie & Mike went and got the baby. Edna wanted her baby so Cherie & Mike came and brought Esterlynn for a little while. Ann arrived and sat with us for a while. It was nice to spend time with her. We talked a lot. Edna was severely dehydrated, had a migraine and bronchitis. They gave her 3 bags of iv fluids and a migraine cocktail. Eventually we went home and went to bed. Jake and Antar were there the entire time.

Sunday, October 24, 2016 I told Edna we needed a day of rest. She was still tired. So many people came over I don't think I can tell you who they all are. Antar took Kimberly and her family home to Utah. Tony took his family home to California. Marcus' family came to visit. Alex, Molli & Rubi came over and stayed for a while. Friends came to visit. Thankfully we had all that food people had been bringing. I told everyone to help themselves. We had enough to feed everyone. Eventually everyone went home. We had a quiet evening. Then we had to take Jake to the airport. That was sad. My little buddy was leaving and we hadn't even really started packing. I really didn't want him to go. But he had to go back to work. Life didn't pause because I needed it to.

Marcus

I have a beautiful son in law. His name is Marcus. My daughter, Edna met him in college in 2011. They got married in 2013. They had a baby in May of this year. 

On Wednesday, October 12th of this year Edna called me and told me that Marcus had gone to the doctor and the doctor said that he needed an appendectomy. I guess he had had a stomach ache for a couple of weeks but coworkers' kids had had viruses so he figured it was no big deal. He had developed a fever and was finally convinced to take a little time off work to see a doctor. He went in to surgery at 1pm. Edna was in constant contact with me. She let me know that the doctor had come in and said that he saw stuff (okay this is not an exact quote) on Marcus' internal organs that concerned him. He did a biopsy to see if it was Lymphoma. Edna was understandably upset. I was upset. I talked to my coworkers. I went on Google. Apparently there are lots of kinds of Lymphoma so I was trying not to be upset. Edna rarely left Marcus' side but on one of the times that she did that night the doctor came in and talked to him. Edna missed it. Marcus said the doctor didn't say anything about Lymphoma. Edna was understandably frustrated. We didn't know when the test results would come back. I knew she didn't make up the word Lymphoma while she was waiting for her husband in to come out of an appendectomy. The next morning she was there when the doctor came in. They discussed the Lymphoma. She didn't make it up. The doctor said it could take a week to get the results and to just assume it is negative unless they hear otherwise. So, Marcus went home to chillax in his bed, watch TV and recover. 

Friday, October 14th, 2016. I had just gotten on the train to go home from work when I got a group text from Edna. She said that Marcus had lymphoma. It starts with a B. They will see the specialist on Monday morning to start treatment. That is when the freaking out began. We all react differently. Through further discussion she told us it was Burkitt Lymphoma. My son, Alex is in nursing school and his reaction was denial. He said, No! Edna, it is not Burkitt. That is really bad. Again, I was thinking, Edna is not going to just make this stuff up. My reaction was that I wanted Marcus in Salt Lake at the Huntsman Cancer Institute NOW! But Edna and Marcus needed me to just calm down and let them rest. That group text kept going for over a week. It was Edna, myself, her dad and her 3 siblings. We all love Marcus. Alex and Molli(his wife, my daughter in law) went to see Edna and Marcus. They only live 30 minutes away. They took Esterlynn for the night so that they could deal with the shock.

Saturday, October 15th, 2016. My niece, Hannah, went to Rexburg to be with Edna and Marcus and help them through the weekend. We all spend the day on the internet trying to figure out what to expect and how to help. That night Edna lets me know that they are taking Marcus to the emergency room. He is not doing very well. They admit him. 

Sunday, October 16, 2016. I wake up frantic about Marcus. I call Edna that morning and tell her, I want you to put Marcus in the car and take him to the Huntsman Cancer Institute NOW! She says ok. She will talk to Marcus and the nurses and get it done. Antar(my husband, her dad) gets in touch with a friend who is a doctor in Salt Lake. He tells him that it is better to wait until Monday. The Huntsman doesn't admit on Sundays. I watch the whole first season of American Horror Story to take my mind off of what is going on. I worry about Edna & Marcus and all that they have in store. I want them in Utah so that I can go see them every day after work until Marcus gets better and can go home. As I get into bed at 9:30 that night I get a call from Edna. In a crying voice she said, "Mom, I wasn't assertive enough. We can't move him. I need you now." So, Antar and I packed up our car and drove to Rexburg. 

Monday, October 17, 2016. 

Before I tell you about this day I want to tell you that I have PTSD. I'm not going to say why right now but the diagnoses is significant. Remember this is my recollection so you are going to read how each trauma of this day affected me personally. A lot of other people were affected deeply by this day. I am not competing with them. I am just feeling my feelings. Also, I am an empath. I have difficulty separating my own feelings from the feelings of those around me. I am often overcome by the feelings of others. I am sure that intensified what I felt on this day. 

We arrived at 3:30am. We had to wait outside the room for a moment. Edna came out and told us that she had told Marcus that we were there and he asked, "But where is my mom?" At that moment if I could have magically turned myself into Cherie I would have. But, I reminded myself that my baby needed me and that Cherie would be there as soon as she could. I walked in and saw Marcus. I wanted to give him a hug but I could see he didn't feel good. I decided I would wait until he felt better. It turned out that was the best I saw him that day. I wish some angel would have whispered in my ear "Hug him now!!!" For the next four hours we all did what we could to make him comfortable as he dozed on and off. He was so thirsty. He wasn't allowed to drink because he was going into surgery. He had these pink spongy things he could dip in water and rub on his lips and gums. Antar, Edna & I went and had some breakfast in the cafeteria. 

Sometime around 7 or 8 the doctor comes in to talk to us. I did not go easy on him. I told him that I didn't mean to offend but I wanted the best care for my son in law and why should I be satisfied with some tiny hospital in small town Idaho. I wanted him moved to the Huntsman Cancer Institute in Salt Lake. He told me that he attended the University of Utah for medical school. He did his Residency at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester and that he was affiliated with the Huntsman Cancer Institute. He had even been faculty. He said that at the Huntsman there would be several people like Marcus and he wouldn't get the one on one attention. In Rexburg Marcus would have a dedicated nurse and he would be her only patient as he was going through chemo. And that Marcus was his only patient in the hospital that day. He had a calming affect that I believe he probably learned at Mayo. I felt much better after talking to him. 

At this point Marcus has not started chemo. He has had fluids, pain meds, nausea medication and platelets. He goes into surgery. They put in a port so that chemo can be started later. They did a bone marrow biopsy and they took a spinal fluid test and injected some chemo in the spinal fluid as a preventative measure. 

Marcus came back from surgery. I didn't think he looked so good. Edna & the nurse both said he looked better so I decided I was just crazy. He had developed a nose bleed in his procedure that wouldn't stop. An ENT was called in to cauterize it. When he came back to his room there was still blood oozing from his nose that we took turns wiping. He couldn't get comfortable. He was tossing and turning and he wanted to be left alone but we kept wiping his nose. He was still very thirsty. 

Antar, Hannah & Esterlynn had been there with us. They go to Edna's apartment now to rest and take a nap. 

The doctor finally came in to talk to us around 1pm. I had lots and lots of questions about the chemo and what was happening to Marcus. While we're talking Marcus is spitting up blood into a basin. They said that was because of the nose bleed. The doctor said that there was so much lymphoma in the bone marrow that he couldn't aspirate it. I didn't ask him how they got it out to test it. He said that Marcus had Leukemia. Burkitt Lymphoma Leukemia. 

Leukemia: All of a sudden I was a little girl in Phoenix. I was in my Grandma's hospital room. She was spitting up blood into a basin. She saw me and said, "Get her out of here!" I never saw her again.

The doctor had a way of explaining the chemo in a way that was hopeful. I was even thinking that Marcus could go back to work between treatments. I thought, "As soon as Cherie gets here I can go back to work." I was was sure Marcus would be fine. Then the doctor stands up and says, "We are going to take Marcus to ICU now." I had heard this was part of the process so I still wasn't alarmed yet. 

We get everything moved to ICU. They are concerned about his oxygen level. It seems like they are agitating him. They take off  the hose that blows oxygen in his nostrils and put on a face mask. He hates that. He wants it off. Edna takes on the job of holding the mask on his face while he thrashes around in the bed. They start giving him whole blood instead of just platelets. They still haven't started chemo yet. The doctor starts asking a bunch of questions that I can't answer. I facetime Cherie so she can talk to the doctor. She asks to see Marcus. I show him to her. She has to go so she can cry. I put up the side rail because he is pushing his backside off the bed and I know that Edna & I cannot pick 6'5" Marcus up off the floor. We are still joking with him. He is saying some really weird things. I notice that they are poking at Marcus' wrist. I ask, "Are you trying to do an arterial blood gas?" The doctor says yes. I used to be a phlebotomist and I try desperately to remember what that test is for. Somewhere in all this commotion the doctor changed. The oncologist went to his clinic and we had a doctor from internal medicine. I think that was before things got so crazy. A few minutes later I see the doctor talking to a nurse. She says, "That wasn't arterial blood." He says, "But we can still see what we need to know." Then he comes around the bed to me. I think it was because Edna was still busy keeping Marcus' oxygen mask on and maybe because of the look on his face as I was staring at him. He comes around the bed and with a kind face says, "Marcus has had a massive heart attack." I put my hand over my mouth to hold in the wants to come out. He says a bunch of other stuff that I can't process. Edna becomes part of the conversation. I say, "I'm sorry. I'm in shock. I need you to repeat everything you just said." He tells me that they are going to intubate Marcus and put him on life support. I can't even look at Edna. Oh my gosh! I am falling apart and my baby is being strong. I need to get out of here because I am doing this all wrong. I barely escape the room before the horrible sounds start coming out of me. There are tears pouring down my cheeks. There are 2 women escorting me. They find me a room where I can cry. Soon, Edna is sitting there beside me. She is crying too. I hold her and tell her I am so sorry. Everything happens so fast after that. Someone comes in and tells us they are doing CPR. Why? I haven't even processed the heart attack yet! He's 23! this is wrong!!! THIS IS WRONG!!!

Someone comes to get Edna. I am not letting her out of my sight now. We go back to ICU. We stand in the doorway and watch them do CPR. There are at least 20 people in the room. They trade off chest compressions. Edna kneels on the floor and holds his hand. I kneel on the floor and hug her from behind. Someone takes us back to our little room to cry. 

about 15 minutes later someone comes to tell us that Marcus has died. 

By then Antar(my husband), Alex(my son), Hannah(my niece), Tony(my son), Rachel(my daughter in law), Liam(my grandson), Margot(my granddaughter) and Finley(my grandson) are there. This is the first time I meet Finley. Molli(my daughter in law), Rubi(my granddaughter) and Esterlynn(my granddaughter) arrive. I'm not sure when. Brock and Junior (Marcus' coworkers) arrive. We all cry. We are all in shock.

I left out most of the phone calls and text messages. This was difficult to write. I will write about the aftermath later. It is hard to believe that the world kept spinning. It feels like it stopped for at least half an hour.