Marcus

I have a beautiful son in law. His name is Marcus. My daughter, Edna met him in college in 2011. They got married in 2013. They had a baby in May of this year. 

On Wednesday, October 12th of this year Edna called me and told me that Marcus had gone to the doctor and the doctor said that he needed an appendectomy. I guess he had had a stomach ache for a couple of weeks but coworkers' kids had had viruses so he figured it was no big deal. He had developed a fever and was finally convinced to take a little time off work to see a doctor. He went in to surgery at 1pm. Edna was in constant contact with me. She let me know that the doctor had come in and said that he saw stuff (okay this is not an exact quote) on Marcus' internal organs that concerned him. He did a biopsy to see if it was Lymphoma. Edna was understandably upset. I was upset. I talked to my coworkers. I went on Google. Apparently there are lots of kinds of Lymphoma so I was trying not to be upset. Edna rarely left Marcus' side but on one of the times that she did that night the doctor came in and talked to him. Edna missed it. Marcus said the doctor didn't say anything about Lymphoma. Edna was understandably frustrated. We didn't know when the test results would come back. I knew she didn't make up the word Lymphoma while she was waiting for her husband in to come out of an appendectomy. The next morning she was there when the doctor came in. They discussed the Lymphoma. She didn't make it up. The doctor said it could take a week to get the results and to just assume it is negative unless they hear otherwise. So, Marcus went home to chillax in his bed, watch TV and recover. 

Friday, October 14th, 2016. I had just gotten on the train to go home from work when I got a group text from Edna. She said that Marcus had lymphoma. It starts with a B. They will see the specialist on Monday morning to start treatment. That is when the freaking out began. We all react differently. Through further discussion she told us it was Burkitt Lymphoma. My son, Alex is in nursing school and his reaction was denial. He said, No! Edna, it is not Burkitt. That is really bad. Again, I was thinking, Edna is not going to just make this stuff up. My reaction was that I wanted Marcus in Salt Lake at the Huntsman Cancer Institute NOW! But Edna and Marcus needed me to just calm down and let them rest. That group text kept going for over a week. It was Edna, myself, her dad and her 3 siblings. We all love Marcus. Alex and Molli(his wife, my daughter in law) went to see Edna and Marcus. They only live 30 minutes away. They took Esterlynn for the night so that they could deal with the shock.

Saturday, October 15th, 2016. My niece, Hannah, went to Rexburg to be with Edna and Marcus and help them through the weekend. We all spend the day on the internet trying to figure out what to expect and how to help. That night Edna lets me know that they are taking Marcus to the emergency room. He is not doing very well. They admit him. 

Sunday, October 16, 2016. I wake up frantic about Marcus. I call Edna that morning and tell her, I want you to put Marcus in the car and take him to the Huntsman Cancer Institute NOW! She says ok. She will talk to Marcus and the nurses and get it done. Antar(my husband, her dad) gets in touch with a friend who is a doctor in Salt Lake. He tells him that it is better to wait until Monday. The Huntsman doesn't admit on Sundays. I watch the whole first season of American Horror Story to take my mind off of what is going on. I worry about Edna & Marcus and all that they have in store. I want them in Utah so that I can go see them every day after work until Marcus gets better and can go home. As I get into bed at 9:30 that night I get a call from Edna. In a crying voice she said, "Mom, I wasn't assertive enough. We can't move him. I need you now." So, Antar and I packed up our car and drove to Rexburg. 

Monday, October 17, 2016. 

Before I tell you about this day I want to tell you that I have PTSD. I'm not going to say why right now but the diagnoses is significant. Remember this is my recollection so you are going to read how each trauma of this day affected me personally. A lot of other people were affected deeply by this day. I am not competing with them. I am just feeling my feelings. Also, I am an empath. I have difficulty separating my own feelings from the feelings of those around me. I am often overcome by the feelings of others. I am sure that intensified what I felt on this day. 

We arrived at 3:30am. We had to wait outside the room for a moment. Edna came out and told us that she had told Marcus that we were there and he asked, "But where is my mom?" At that moment if I could have magically turned myself into Cherie I would have. But, I reminded myself that my baby needed me and that Cherie would be there as soon as she could. I walked in and saw Marcus. I wanted to give him a hug but I could see he didn't feel good. I decided I would wait until he felt better. It turned out that was the best I saw him that day. I wish some angel would have whispered in my ear "Hug him now!!!" For the next four hours we all did what we could to make him comfortable as he dozed on and off. He was so thirsty. He wasn't allowed to drink because he was going into surgery. He had these pink spongy things he could dip in water and rub on his lips and gums. Antar, Edna & I went and had some breakfast in the cafeteria. 

Sometime around 7 or 8 the doctor comes in to talk to us. I did not go easy on him. I told him that I didn't mean to offend but I wanted the best care for my son in law and why should I be satisfied with some tiny hospital in small town Idaho. I wanted him moved to the Huntsman Cancer Institute in Salt Lake. He told me that he attended the University of Utah for medical school. He did his Residency at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester and that he was affiliated with the Huntsman Cancer Institute. He had even been faculty. He said that at the Huntsman there would be several people like Marcus and he wouldn't get the one on one attention. In Rexburg Marcus would have a dedicated nurse and he would be her only patient as he was going through chemo. And that Marcus was his only patient in the hospital that day. He had a calming affect that I believe he probably learned at Mayo. I felt much better after talking to him. 

At this point Marcus has not started chemo. He has had fluids, pain meds, nausea medication and platelets. He goes into surgery. They put in a port so that chemo can be started later. They did a bone marrow biopsy and they took a spinal fluid test and injected some chemo in the spinal fluid as a preventative measure. 

Marcus came back from surgery. I didn't think he looked so good. Edna & the nurse both said he looked better so I decided I was just crazy. He had developed a nose bleed in his procedure that wouldn't stop. An ENT was called in to cauterize it. When he came back to his room there was still blood oozing from his nose that we took turns wiping. He couldn't get comfortable. He was tossing and turning and he wanted to be left alone but we kept wiping his nose. He was still very thirsty. 

Antar, Hannah & Esterlynn had been there with us. They go to Edna's apartment now to rest and take a nap. 

The doctor finally came in to talk to us around 1pm. I had lots and lots of questions about the chemo and what was happening to Marcus. While we're talking Marcus is spitting up blood into a basin. They said that was because of the nose bleed. The doctor said that there was so much lymphoma in the bone marrow that he couldn't aspirate it. I didn't ask him how they got it out to test it. He said that Marcus had Leukemia. Burkitt Lymphoma Leukemia. 

Leukemia: All of a sudden I was a little girl in Phoenix. I was in my Grandma's hospital room. She was spitting up blood into a basin. She saw me and said, "Get her out of here!" I never saw her again.

The doctor had a way of explaining the chemo in a way that was hopeful. I was even thinking that Marcus could go back to work between treatments. I thought, "As soon as Cherie gets here I can go back to work." I was was sure Marcus would be fine. Then the doctor stands up and says, "We are going to take Marcus to ICU now." I had heard this was part of the process so I still wasn't alarmed yet. 

We get everything moved to ICU. They are concerned about his oxygen level. It seems like they are agitating him. They take off  the hose that blows oxygen in his nostrils and put on a face mask. He hates that. He wants it off. Edna takes on the job of holding the mask on his face while he thrashes around in the bed. They start giving him whole blood instead of just platelets. They still haven't started chemo yet. The doctor starts asking a bunch of questions that I can't answer. I facetime Cherie so she can talk to the doctor. She asks to see Marcus. I show him to her. She has to go so she can cry. I put up the side rail because he is pushing his backside off the bed and I know that Edna & I cannot pick 6'5" Marcus up off the floor. We are still joking with him. He is saying some really weird things. I notice that they are poking at Marcus' wrist. I ask, "Are you trying to do an arterial blood gas?" The doctor says yes. I used to be a phlebotomist and I try desperately to remember what that test is for. Somewhere in all this commotion the doctor changed. The oncologist went to his clinic and we had a doctor from internal medicine. I think that was before things got so crazy. A few minutes later I see the doctor talking to a nurse. She says, "That wasn't arterial blood." He says, "But we can still see what we need to know." Then he comes around the bed to me. I think it was because Edna was still busy keeping Marcus' oxygen mask on and maybe because of the look on his face as I was staring at him. He comes around the bed and with a kind face says, "Marcus has had a massive heart attack." I put my hand over my mouth to hold in the wants to come out. He says a bunch of other stuff that I can't process. Edna becomes part of the conversation. I say, "I'm sorry. I'm in shock. I need you to repeat everything you just said." He tells me that they are going to intubate Marcus and put him on life support. I can't even look at Edna. Oh my gosh! I am falling apart and my baby is being strong. I need to get out of here because I am doing this all wrong. I barely escape the room before the horrible sounds start coming out of me. There are tears pouring down my cheeks. There are 2 women escorting me. They find me a room where I can cry. Soon, Edna is sitting there beside me. She is crying too. I hold her and tell her I am so sorry. Everything happens so fast after that. Someone comes in and tells us they are doing CPR. Why? I haven't even processed the heart attack yet! He's 23! this is wrong!!! THIS IS WRONG!!!

Someone comes to get Edna. I am not letting her out of my sight now. We go back to ICU. We stand in the doorway and watch them do CPR. There are at least 20 people in the room. They trade off chest compressions. Edna kneels on the floor and holds his hand. I kneel on the floor and hug her from behind. Someone takes us back to our little room to cry. 

about 15 minutes later someone comes to tell us that Marcus has died. 

By then Antar(my husband), Alex(my son), Hannah(my niece), Tony(my son), Rachel(my daughter in law), Liam(my grandson), Margot(my granddaughter) and Finley(my grandson) are there. This is the first time I meet Finley. Molli(my daughter in law), Rubi(my granddaughter) and Esterlynn(my granddaughter) arrive. I'm not sure when. Brock and Junior (Marcus' coworkers) arrive. We all cry. We are all in shock.

I left out most of the phone calls and text messages. This was difficult to write. I will write about the aftermath later. It is hard to believe that the world kept spinning. It feels like it stopped for at least half an hour.