Healing - What does it mean?

Hola mi gente! (hi my people)

I am in a facebook group for writers who happen to have Dysautonomia. You wouldn't believe how healing that is. Today there was a prompt:

"What does healing mean to you? This can be physical, emotional or any other type of healing associated with your #chronicillness. What did it mean before compared to after your diagnosis? How have you played a role in your own healing? Are there others that have helped you? What might help you in this journey that you still desire?"

Wow! This is a timely prompt for me. Healing. I am an extremist in my thinking. I am working on this with a therapist. How does that apply to healing. Well, either you are sick or you are completely and totally well. There is no in between. It's kinda funny if you realize that I have been chronically ill pretty much my whole life. When you are chronically ill there is NO completely and totally well. In fact by my definition you'd have to pretty much be Superman. So, no one really qualifies. Do they?

My resting heart rate.

This year has been a year of extreme healing for me. I started it with a goal of using my time off at work for only fun stuff. I was not going to use it for illness of any kind. I ended the year on total permanent disability. Um, that goal didn't go as planned. New Year's Resolution Epic Fail!!!!

How is that extreme healing? You ask. I am no longer in denial. I used to notice that I got sick more often than everyone else and blame myself. "I should go to the gym more." "I should take another supplement." "I should change my mindset." "I should eat healthier." None of those are bad suggestions. But none of them could change that I am ill.

This is me wishing I was with my friends at the Pride Parade.

This lesson did not come easy. I spent most of 2017 very angry. I also learned that anger is not a bad thing. Anger, for me, has been very healing. What can be bad is how I choose to act upon my anger or what I choose to do with it. But if my anger is to give me strength to get through an extremely difficult year, then bring it on! Anger gave me power. It gave me an extra surge of adrenaline to get stuff done.

Today I got angry. I will tell you why. I spoke with my cardiologist's office about my next appointment. They said we need to wait for the results from the cardiac MRI to determine if I can still see my cardiologist or if I need to go to Heart Failure. What the crap?! Heart Failure?! Really?! Who would name a department that?! After I got off the phone I paced and ranted. After a bit I was pleasantly surprised that I was pacing and ranting. That is not something I usually have strength to do. See! Anger is not all bad. If I get an appointment with Heart Failure I intend to have a frank discussion with them about their name. How about Advanced Cardiac Specialists? Or Hopeful Hearts? Words have power and those words sound like they have admitted defeat.

The greatest healing I have done this year is to allow myself to grieve about the loss of my old life and to find pleasure in my new life. That does NOT mean that I want to be ill. It does mean that I have accepted it. There are good things that have happened. I have found time to write. I started a novel. I am SO excited. I am singing. My voice is not what it once was but it still brings me joy so I use it and I share it on Facebook Live. I have made new friends that I never would have known if I were healthy. So, yes. I have healed. And, I have changed my definition of healing.

Me lying in the back of our Explorer because traveling is hard but sometimes it's worth it.