Hurry up and...

I just got back from the emergency room. I'm ok. Chest pain woke me up and my heart was racing so we went to check it out. But. I. Am. O. Kay.

I actually had a breakthrough over the past few hours. Lately my breakthroughs are not lightbulb moments. They are as slow as me with my walker. My lightbulbs take a few hours or days to fully illuminate. And that's okay.

I was reading an article written by a woman with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. (I've got that.) She talked about how becoming chronically ill was a gift. It gave her time to realize that she was a writer. Then she wrote a book and got it published.

I have been writing a lot more. I post all day long on Facebook. I write my daily blog posts. Maybe I could write a book. It has been suggested many times throughout my life.

When I first got home I went to my kitchen. When I am in the kitchen I always feel like it is a race. I realized that today. So, I asked myself, who are you racing? Me! The answer is me! My body! How much can I do before I have to sit down. Then I thought, "I have a walker so I can sit whenever I need to." But instead of using the walker I race. I need to change my habits. I growled a little bit. Habit changing is not my favorite and it is something I am doing continually these days.

I have been up since 1:30 and it is now 4:45. Pretty impressive actually. I woke up. struggled with whether to go to emergency, whether to wake up my husband, went on a 20 minute ride to the hospital, got checked out, came home, had a revelation and am now typing a blog entry in exactly 3 hours and 15 minutes. I also told the nurse I deserved a ribbon because I got out of there without having a single needle inserted into my body. Yes! I can now hear my beloved husband snoring in the next room. The joy of that sound soothes away the guilt of having to wake him up 3 hours earlier.

Ok. We are rolling back in time a little bit to when I first left the kitchen and sat down. I picked a Hallmark Christmas Movie. Antar asked me to change it to something I could watch without him especially since his favorite actress was in that one. I chose Finding Your Roots with Henry Louis Gates http://www.pbs.org/weta/finding-your-roots/home/. He is one of my favorite people and that is probably my number one favorite show. He did the intro where he tells who is on the show and what they have in common. It reminded me of my own family history. There is a story I want to copy for my kids and I haven't gotten that done. I am reminded of my love of family history and DNA tests. I want to do all of them. So far I have only had Ancestry https://www.ancestry.com/. And a DNA test of the bacteria in my sinus. That's not really my family though. I want those little guys dead. I'm such a sadist. Uh oh. off track again. That is easy to do. I love DNA and the new discoveries. Yesterday I was at my neurologist. I love that guy. He is going to do a genetic test to see how I react to different medications so that we can stop this trial and error business. There has been far too much error this year. There was a medical student with him. He has been studying Dysautonomia! I was so excited! I think he will be a good doctor too. It reminded me how bad I want to be a doctor and how that is not going to happen.

Anyway, back to today. As the introductory music and images are continuing on the screen is when my inspiration finally hit. Stop hurrying. Slow down. There is time for everything. I can do family history. I can write books. I can play the piano. I may not sing as well as I used to but I can still sing. I can play the guitar. I can make videos. I don't have to hurry. I can take years to get my house organized. It's ok that I go to bed at 6 and wake up at 1. It's ok that I don't take naps. It is ok that I don't attend all of the fun events that I find out about. It's ok that I don't go to work or school. My life is different now. I'm not like everyone else. There is a gift in that. I am just beginning to see it.