#MeToo

Today for the 100th time I tried to post #metoo on Facebook. I feel like I talk about my abuse all the time. But I don't feel heard. I think it is because I was persuaded not to go to the police. I am always told that I need to forgive and be nice. But I want to say...What about me???  What I originally posted was...

Warning: This post will make you uncomfortable. You do not have to read it.

#metoo Ok. I am late to the party and my heart is pounding out of my chest as I write this. It is so terrifying. I know there will be backlash from my friends and family but METOO! I have PTSD from childhood sexual abuse. Let's talk about the consequences to all of mankind. I was probably 40 before I stopped seeing ALL men as sexual predators. There were a few exceptions but for the most part if he was male my brain thought he wanted to sexually abuse me in some way. When my sons became the age of my abusers I saw the difference. My sons are not predators. One day my brother in law came over to my house about 25 years ago and I wouldn't let him in. I know now he can be trusted. In fact, I have a lot of male friends now. I LOVE gay men because I KNOW they aren't interested in having sex with me so I can relax and enjoy our friendship. I was raised Mormon. When I was 15 and pregnant I was in a support group at LDS social services. Most of the girls in there were abused by their bishops. This problem is everywhere. I remember when my most prominent abuser (I had several) got a temple recommend. I was devastated. My safe place was violated. It was the one place I knew he could never enter. And now he could.

I was a withdrawn child and a promiscuous teen. I think my teens started at age 10.

I'm supposed to be kind and forgiving and worry about his feelings. Look the other way when he shows up in my safe places. Pretend I'm not terrified for my daughters and granddaughters when he is around them. I wish it had never happened. How many of my health and mental issues are caused by being treated as a sex toy before I was physically or emotionally developed? I am NOT the bad guy! Why do I feel the need to constantly defend myself for being a victim? For trying to protect myself? This is NOT ok.

This is the society that we live in. This is why people don't come forward. I'm afraid to post this and the last time I was victimized I was 27 so 20 years ago and the pain is still as fresh as if it just happened. I was victimized by a college professor. Guess how the school handled it? They transferred me and gave me straight A's for the semester even though I was too traumatized to go to class anymore. Everyone that I told about it blamed me. Most people are encouraged to remain silent. Nobody wants to hear about this. The world is awakening. We will not be silenced. We will change the climate of sexual predation! Do you know why it is scary? Maybe because if you open your eyes you will see that you have been affected. You were abused or someone you know was abused. Please. Let's make it all stop. Let the abusers see what they have done and face the consequences. Let them really repent and attempt restitution before you ask us to forgive.

That was super edited. I kept removing things I thought could be taken offensively. I only left it up for 5 minutes. When I took it down I put this in it's place...

I finally made a #metoo post. I left it up for 5 minutes! Whew! That was brave. lol

Then I went back and edited it to say...

I finally made a #metoo post. I left it up for 5 minutes! Whew! That was brave. lol

Now I am criticizing myself because this is technically a #metoo post because it contains #metoo so, you don't need to criticize me. It's been done. The other one shared how it affected me and my feelings but the truth is that I am too afraid of the reactions of my friends and family to share those things. In case you are wondering why people don't speak up...there ya go. I have spent probably 30 minutes to an hour with my heart banging out of my chest on this topic.

I'm exhausted.