How I Discovered That I Am Pansexual

I am Pansexual.

That's crazy.

Except it's not. It makes perfect sense when you understand it.

I am not really sure where the beginning of this story is. I will pick a time and place. The time and place that I choose is 2015 or 2016 in a meeting at work. One of my favorite things about working is volunteering. I love the Employee Resource Groups and the activities that they involve. I love to socialize. So, on this day I was in an LGBTQ meeting at work. I met someone there. I want to share her name because it is a beautiful name for a beautiful person, but I won't for her privacy. She is married to a transgender woman. The way that showed up in her life is that she married a man who later started to transition to a woman. She unconditionally loved and accepted her spouse. That was so beautiful to me. I thought this is true love! This person is so beautiful inside and out that I can hardly stand it.

I went home and told my husband the story. It was interesting to him but he didn't have as intense of a reaction as I did. I told him that I loved him so much that if he ever decided he was a woman and wanted to transition it would not affect our marriage. I really thought it was a measurement of how much I loved him.
My husband responded by looking at me like I was a martian and said, "Ok." 
I said, "It's your turn."
He said, "What?" genuinely puzzled.
Me: "You tell me. Tell me that you would still love me if I wanted to be a man."
Him: "Do you?"
Me: "No."
Him: "Good."
Me: "Well?"
Him: "Just don't."
I was crushed. I thought it was proof that my husband did not love me as much as I loved him. But I decided I wasn't going to let it affect our marriage. He was a still good husband.

Fast forward about a year. I think it was 2017. I was watching I Am Jazz. I love that show! She is awesome. She was talking about dating. She explained that she was Pansexual. I had never heard of that word. She said it meant that she was attracted to a person's spirit regardless of their body. Gender did not matter. It felt like a spiritual experience. Like a pillar of light and angels singing. I just felt it in every cell of my being.

That's me! That's what I am! I am Pansexual. 

I didn't tell anyone at first. As I was thinking about it I realized something important. Wait for it.....

My husband is Heterosexual.

I realized that I had never really been able to understand that word. I thought I had been heterosexual all of my life. In thinking that I thought all heterosexuals loved like I do and thought like I do. They don't! Part of why my husband loves me is BECAUSE I am a WOMAN. Woah! Mind blown. Our love is different. I don't really care if he is male, female or something else. But it is important to him that I am a woman.

All of a sudden I had a new understanding and appreciation for my husband. Learning that I am Pansexual has been good for our marriage.

Nothing changed on the outside. We have been monogamously married for 26 1/2 years and we will continue that way for as long as we are both alive on the planet. But now we understand each other so much better. It is beautiful.

My husband is so amazing because he loves me and accepts me as I am, as I was, and as I grow and change. We grow and change together. No one stays the same. We are all growing up.