Words

This post is kind of a solo therapy session that I am opening up to voyeurism. I am going to confess now that there may be spelling errors and grammatical errors and poor use of the English language. I really thought this was all about words until I opened up Blogger on my computer and saw my last post. It was my reaction to seeing the Endocrinologist. This is much bigger than words. Let me start by telling you the most obvious problem. No, let me start by illustrating my love of words.

I love words. I love language. I consider myself a linguist even though I do not have a degree from anyone other than myself. I am the kind of person who writes for fun. I read the Work and the Glory in 10 days back in 1999. I guesstimate that is about 500 pages per day. I read while I made pancakes and did my household chores. I was a stay at home mom then. A very honorable profession. Last year when I found out I could no longer go to work I decided I had time to study 8 different languages on my duolingo app. I still remember that in one of those languages Draig means Dragon. I believe that was Welsh? Prynhawn da, Draig. Do people in Wales often have the opportunity to say, "Good afternoon, Dragon."? I thought it was fun that Dragon was considered a basic word in that language.

I am having a total problem with words right now. I can't read a book. I can't listen to a book on audible. I can't read long posts on Facebook. I can't read articles that I am interested in. And it doesn't stop there. I am having trouble finding words when I speak. It doesn't matter what language. Why? I don't know. Words are causing me stress. How can something I love so much cause me so much stress. I started this year with the intent of writing a novel.

Let's look at the coincidence. My last appointment with my endocrinologist was not good. Everything was bad. I blamed food. I completely changed my diet. The majority of the books I have read in the past couple of years have been related to diet. While I was still working, before I started Keto, I read Grain Brain and other books about the horrors of eating bread and grains. Since 2008 when I was diagnosed with Diabetes I cannot even tell you how many books I have read on diet. In fact it goes back before that. I have a history of eating disorders and like most people I have spent my entire adulthood trying to lose weight. I read books about diet and exercise and every time I would start a new program I envisioned myself finishing with the Iron Man competition or the Boston Marathon or being a Fitness Model. You could say I always had high hopes.

Let's jump to the present. My exercise program? I am trying to plank for 10 seconds a day. You read that right. That's not a type o. I said seconds, not minutes. I successfully did Keto for over a year and I got good at it. People loved my cooking. It was easy and intuitive. Then, that fateful day with the Endocrinologist, when I learned that my Diabetes, High Blood Pressure and Cholesterol were all terribly high and my vitamin D was terribly low happened. So, a friend told me about the Medical Medium and Mastering Diabetes. I switched from all protein to all fruits and vegetables. I did it gradually over a month. These guys said I could cure myself with diet. That didn't last long. I got really bad bloating and abdominal pain. I went to the Gastroenterologist and was put on the Gastroparesis diet. It turns out that I can't process all of that fiber. A Gastroparesis diet is counterintuitive to a Diabetic. Everything I couldn't eat before is pretty much all I eat now. I still try to avoid added sugar and desserts. But I am eating white bread and pasta and drinking fruit and vegetable juices. Now, I am low fat, low fiber. I honestly feel better when I don't eat. For a little while. Then I start feeling sick and shaky.

I guess I figured it out. I am going to ease myself back in. I am going to look for a book that is pure enjoyment. I don't want to read about politics or the injustices of society or self improvement, especially not diet. I need to find the joy in words again.

I am thinking Piers Anthony.....that will be pun.

What do I believe?

I don't know the answer to this so I am going to talk it out. 

I have to start with who is my GUHP (God, Universe, Higher Power). 

I was raised to believe it was Heavenly Father and Jesus was the mediator. It turns out I was believing what I was told to believe. I thought I was Atheist for a big chunk of my life but it turns out that wasn't right either. I don't have the same GUHP as my parents or most of my friends. And it turns out that my GUHP changes based on my needs in life. I think that makes perfect sense but it is so contrary to how I was raised that sometimes it is uncomfortable. My GUHP had been the Earth for a couple of months. It has changed. That's how I know it changes. I thought maybe it was the Earth all along. I don't know. Maybe it was but it is not now. The Earth is very kind though. It is holding space for me while I embrace my new GUHP. I feel it is the Fat Happy Traveler Buddha. But I haven't embraced him yet. So it's kinda like the dynamic I grew up with but now the Earth is the intermediary. I have to bond with my new GUHP. I think part of that is acknowledging that I am not Buddhist. I don't need labels or spiritual rules. I just need a GUHP that is there when I need them.

What do I believe about souls?

I believe we all have a soul. Souls are important. We need to take good care of them.

What is my origin/creation story? Did/do we exist before/after life on this planet?

I don't know. I believe other people when they tell me their beliefs. My belief is I don't know. I was raised with the story of the preexistence in Heaven. I relate a lot of spirituality to University. I imagined that before I was born there was a catalog of all the human traits you could gain through experience on Earth. It didn't tell me what trials I would go through but I thought I could handle it all. I do this in real life when I make my schedule at University. I want to take all the classes. So, I imagined that I signed up for all of the traits/trials. I don't believe this is true anymore. 

The best story I have heard is that the atmosphere is made of the energy of all life that ever has been or will be on Earth. We are part of the atmosphere. Then we take a body. Then we return to the atmosphere. Living creatures with physical form can access the energy in the atmosphere at any time to help them in their daily lives. I like that story. That is why I chose the Earth as my GUHP. I am part of the Earth. I feel that. I don't want to be an astronaut. I need the Earth to live. I am part of the Earth and the Earth is part of me. It is a very important relationship in my life. I cannot live without the Earth.

Truly though. I have a very logical/spiritual mind. I don't know where I came from. Except that I came from my mother's womb and the seed that my father put in it. I am made of the energy and experiences and the DNA of all of my ancestors. I am connected to my progeny. I love life. Life is beautiful. It is ok that I don't know everything. 

I believe in Energy. 

My mentor, Kami Orange, once said..."If a story makes you feel better it is a good story." That is how I can embrace Spiritual Gifts and Entourage and all of this woo-woo stuff. I don't know how it works. It does make me feel better. So, even though someone in my head says none of this is real, I am  embracing it. After all, spirituality is all about believing. I believe in Faeries and Angels and Fat Happy Traveler Buddhas.

Keto is Not Working for Me

It kinda feels like this was an instantaneous decision. It was pretty quick but it took a few days. Here is how it went:

I guess I need to start with why I was doing keto in case you don't know. In January 2017 I was hospitalized for Lactic Acidosis from taking Metformin. For a few months I tried various Diabetes medications that I had bad reactions to. I ended up on insulin. My A1C went up to 9.1. I was seriously concerned for my life. So, in April 2017 I started Keto. It was great. My blood sugar dropped. My A1C dropped. I was happy and telling everyone everywhere to start Keto.

February 2018 was my best endocrinology appointment. My doc said that all of my numbers were good. He was happy, I was happy. He talked to me about how to adjust my insulin and that he wanted me to take Red Rice Yeast because I don't tolerate cholesterol medication. If you had asked me about Keto after that appointment I would have said, "Heck Yeah! Do Keto! It's awesome!"

I have been doing a lot of spiritual work. A side effect of that is attracting things that I need from unexpected sources. It is kinda cool. I also have to learn to be open minded to receive these things. I have an amazing friend in Sweden.

She saw a post I made a few days ago lamenting that I would not be a Granny fitness model. She contacted me and suggested I look in to the Medical Medium and a couple guys who created Mastering Diabetes. I really wasn't interested but I really like this friend so I checked it out. I told her I wasn't interested. I explained how bad my Diabetes was. She said she had a friend who has Diabetes and this has helped her a lot and asked if she could send me some articles. I said ok. They were actually YouTube videos. These are the links for the videos: https://youtu.be/thY5Ge5Cggo https://youtu.be/5KWAgKR9JBE I watched all 2 hours. The stuff made sense. They talked about the Keto diet and what is good about it. Then they explained that it works great in the short term but eventually it increases insulin resistance and causes malabsorbtion of nutrients. That made me think. I told my friend that I need to think about it and that I will let her know what I decide. I told her that it would be a polar shift from what I am doing now and that would be really hard.

The Medical Medium guy suggested drinking celery juice and someone recommended lemon water. I thought I could add those things. The Mastering Diabetes guy suggested starting with breakfast. He said to eat 4 fruits for breakfast every day. I REALLY miss fruit. So. I decided to make those 3 changes and think about the rest.

That was yesterday. (Sunday, June 10, 2018)

Today (Monday, June 11, 2018) I had an appointment with my endocrinologist.

 

I had been wearing a continuous glucose monitor for 11 days. I had labs drawn the same day it was put on. Today I got my results. My A1C had jumped almost a whole percentage point in 4 months! I went from 7.6 to 8.5. Just so you know the goal is to be under 6. He asked if I had been adjusting my Tresiba(long acting insulin). I told him I forgot I could do that. He asked if I had been adjusting my Novolog(short acting insulin). I told him I had. He asked if I was taking Red Rice Yeast for my cholesterol. I told him I forgot about that. He told me he was putting non compliant on my chart. Ouch! He told me he was doubling my high blood pressure medication and that my vitamin D was low enough that he wants me to start a prescription strength supplement. I was discouraged. I had just spent 18 days in Arizona and Florida! The valley of the sun and the sunshine state! I have to say though that his social skills have improved a LOT in the past year. He delivered all of this information in a kind manner. I noticed on my blood test that my protein is also low. Isn't that weird. I eat so much protein and my protein is low.

So, that confirmed for me that Keto is not working for me. That is frustrating because I have spent the past year learning how to cook and eat Keto. I am not going to change everything overnight. I will start with breakfast and then change lunch and then dinner. I will give myself at least a month to transition. I want to heal myself. I believe that there is some way to do this with food. I believe that my body wants to heal itself and that I need to give it the tools to do that. The tricky part is finding the right tools.

I bought the Red Rice Yeast and while I was at the Good Earth I met a lady that taught me all about CBD. I bought some of that too. I am open to new ideas. Wish me Health and Luck and Light on my journey.

An Amazing Day!!!

I wanted to call this the best day ever!!! but I have had so many of those that I think I maybe need to change my wording. haha

I was exhausted from so much travel and happiness. I had been traveling for most of a month to see family in different parts of the US. I was riding in the back seat of our explorer because the sun was too hot up front. I had been lying down because sitting up was too much. I got a call. It was my manager from work. A place that I hadn't been to in 10 months. I was so excited to hear from him! And this time I was able to hear better than usual. That was awesome! He was inviting me to eat lunch and go bowling with my team the next day. I was like..."Heck yes!" I knew I couldn't pick up a bowling ball but I could be there. He told me to call my leave of absence caseworker to make sure it was ok. I did. She said it was fine but to be aware that other people may have a perception that if I could go to lunch I could go to work. I told her that I wasn't worried about that because it was her that makes the decisions. Not them. Besides, she doesn't know my team.

When I got off the phone I told my husband. He was in disbelief. He told me I wasn't up to it. I told him that I knew that but I was going anyway.  I had to stop to go to the bathroom every 40 miles for the rest of the trip home.

The next day I planned every detail carefully. When I woke up I felt like it would be impossible to go. I rested and hydrated. I opted not to shower or put on makeup. I brushed my hair but that really just made things worse. I wore a long comfy dress, took a lot of water and powerade, mapped the location on my phone and headed out the door.

80 degrees feels like Dante's inferno to me. I am so glad that I have air conditioning and that I had the presence of mind to put the sun shades in my windshield the last time I had driven. It was an hour drive to get there. I listened to itunes and practiced singing La Vie En Rose over and over. Maybe one day I will get a video.

When I arrived I was exhausted. It was so hot! There was no parking at the restaurant. No disabled parking anywhere that I could see. I ended parking a few lots away and started my trip with my walker out of the parking lot and over the broken sidewalk. I arrived at the front door of the establishment winded. Walking slow has it's advantages. I could look at the different doors to determine where I should enter. I chose the one with the mat. It turned out to be the right choice. I opened the door and made my way in with my walker. I noticed a man at the end of the long hall. It was Jason! My friend! I was so excited but I couldn't make my feet move faster. He called out to him and I wished he would come closer. I finally reached him a little over half way down the hall. I hugged him. He said everyone wanted to see me. I told him that I needed to go to the bathroom. He pointed it out but said I should say hi to everyone first. He didn't know what he was asking but I followed him. He went around a corner and told me to wait so he could introduce me. I wish I could remember everything he said. I know he asked for everyone's attention and the roar of conversation halted. Eventually he said, "The Sooze" to which everyone whooped and cheered and clapped. I felt so loved before I even saw them. I walked around the corner and felt the love and joy and acceptance. I am an assembly empath which means that I feel the undercurrent of emotions in groups of people. At this moment it was a glorious spiritual gift. I was soon surrounded by people who were hugging me and telling me how happy they were to see me. After about four hugs I had to start sitting down between hugs. It was an amazing thing to be overcome by the energy of love. When they were done I went to the bathroom. I was surprised to find a perfect disabled bathroom with room to navigate my walker and do my business. The door wasn't too heavy so it was ok that there wasn't a button to open it.

I sat at the end of the table happily chatting with Nikki, Jason, Daniel and Jeff. I pulled out my phone to take pictures and discovered I had left it in my car. 😔 I ordered food and had fun. I then realized I was missing out on a bunch of people at the table. I moved to sit between Phay and Daniel. I chatted with the friends around me until my food came and then I quickly got tired. The table was picnic table style with no back. Brady came over to chat. Then I excused myself to sit in my walker. It's really a rollator with a seat. It has a back I can lean against. After I felt a little better I used my feet to roll down the side of the table and talk to more friends. Then I was exhausted. I told my manager/friend/kindred spirit that I wouldn't be going bowling. I asked Phay to box up my food. I said goodbye to everyone as they left for bowling. Nikki walked me out to my car. It turned out she was parked close by. She helped me put my walker in the car. I found my phone. We took a selfie. Then I drove home daydreaming about this blog post. Jim encouraged me to finish my book. He wants to know what happens next. As I write this I am loving people, life and the joy that is in it all.

What is a Good Day?

Yesterday at the infusion center the nurses kept telling me how great I looked and acted. It was hard for me to accept. But you know when people keep telling you that stuff it does improve your mood. Before I left one of them said, "You're smiling so you must be feeling good!" As I was leaving I wished there was a dance club attached to the hospital so I could go dancing for a minute. As I drove home (one nurse pointed out that I had put my walker in the trunk, drove to the hospital by myself, got the walker out of the trunk and walked into the infusion center all by myself.) Confidence by Demi Lovato came on and I partied a little bit in my car. I even shoulder danced a bit and daydreamed that Justin Timberlake saw me bopping my shoulder and started a conversation about me being a dancer. I have a very active imagination. I had listened to one of his songs on the way to the hospital so that probably had something to do with his involvement in my daydream. By the time I got home I was getting tired but my high hadn't ended. I walked to the mailbox without my walker! When I came in the house my husband remarked that I looked like I was doing well. I told him he must be right because the nurses thought so too. Instead of going to bed at 2pm I stayed up and ate something and watched TV with him for a little bit. I decided it was time to reevaluate what a good day is for me.

When I was a little girl most girls wanted to be teachers and nurses. It was the 1970's so when someone asked what a little girl wanted to be she didn't have a lot of options. I remember thinking I didn't want to be either of those things. I talked to my mom about it and she told me that I wanted to be President of the United States! I beamed. She was right. I was going to be President of the United States and I was going to be the best President of the United States EVER! I tell you this so you know something about my personality. My life took a different path. I hate to tell people this but I still haven't become President of the United States and it is unlikely that I ever will.

For me a good day would be waking up, showering, fixing my hair and makeup, preparing healthy food, going to work, being the most productive member of my team, celebrating someone's birthday or having a team potluck, having lunch with a friend, doing some volunteer work, listening to a self help book during my commute, attending college after work, coming home to play with my grandchildren, spend time with my husband, talk to one of my kids, practice an instrument and a new language, get ready for bed, sleep 8 hours and start again in the morning.

Now you understand why often times in the past year when my husband would say, "You look good today." I would get defensive. In fact, just 2 days ago, before bed, I was pouting to him. I said, "I wasn't very productive today." He said, "Yes you were! You made a recipe and you did dishes." I feel like he said something else but I don't remember it. In my mind I reminded myself that I need to change my expectations and I replied, "You are right. Thanks."

Yesterday I woke up feeling yucky. Often when people ask me how I feel I don't know what to say. Yesterday I told my son in law that I was better than some days and worse than others. But yesterday turned out to be a good day. I took a shower and went to the infusion center all by myself. That was my productivity. Not exactly President of the United States but I ended my day happy. That is important. I need to remember to judge myself not by how much I do but by whether I did my best.

I have this idea that because I don't go to work that I have time to practice 3 instruments and 8 languages every day along with cleaning and organizing my house, doing some dancing and preparing all of my meals. If I could do all of that I could probably go back to work. I need to be nice to myself. I know I would not put all of this pressure on anyone else. It's time to be nice to me.

Goal number one: Get my smile back. When I was working my friends called me sunshine because I was always smiling. Maybe if I lighten up the pressure I can find my smile again. Disabled people are allowed to smile. :)

Tracking Tracking Tracking

I do not like tracking. It doesn't matter what I am tracking whether it is symptoms or calories. I just don't like it. Even though I don't like it I am learning that it is important. I tracked my symptoms for a couple months last year and it really helped. I was able to refer back to it when doctors asked me questions. I don't know about you but when they do that to me my mind goes blank. It is just contrary to my personality to be consistent about anything. I do eat every day and sleep every day so that is something. Right? I will just build on that.

What I really need to start tracking is food. I have heard that the key is to track it before it goes in your mouth. Ugh. That used to be impossible because by the time I realized I was hungry I was starving and would just eat anything in sight to feel better. Since I have been doing keto and getting better at it I no longer have this issue. I have gotten better at preparing recipes to add diversity to my diet. So, I think it is a reasonable time to start doing this.

Why is this important? I am not losing weight. I believe that it is because I am eating too much. I know my diabetes doesn't help but I think it must still be possible so I am going to try. I will also see my macros to determine if something needs to be adjusted.

Wish me luck!

Depression Strikes

I'm really trying to stop asking why. Over the past year I have learned that doctors don't have answers to every little weird symptom that I experience.

Right now I am depressed. It's bad. When I start feeling that way the ugly thoughts come in. Nobody loves me. Nobody wants me around. Yesterday my husband told me that the way I have been talking to him makes him feel bad. He needs me to be nicer. It's good that he pointed that out so that I can make an effort to be kinder to him. I think that's a symptom of the depression. It is harder to be nice when I'm depressed.

I can't help but wonder what brought this bought of depression on. I saw my endocrinologist for my Diabetes a couple weeks ago and he smiled and told me I was doing great. That is so nice. I have a bad feeling associated with endocrinologists because they usually tell me to exercise more, change my eating habits and take more medication. They seem to do it all with a scowl on their face. It really feels like they think that anyone that has Diabetes has it because they signed up for it. Like, we went to McDonalds and ordered uncontrolled type 2 Diabetes because we get some sort of pleasure from our disease.  I hope that is not really their thought process but that is how they make me feel. So, on the rare occasion when I see the doctor and he is happy with my progress I feel like I have won the lottery.

How do I control my Diabetes? I eat a low carbohydrate ketogenic diet. This is not easy. I am a picky eater and I am easily bored with food. That means that I spend most of my energy on food. I look for new recipes, I shop for food, I prepare my food. I also inject 2 different kinds of insulin. Long acting and short acting.

Why am I going on about Diabetes when I started talking about Depression?

Normal glucose readings are between 80-100. My diabetic goal is between 100-120. This morning my fasting glucose was 198. I haven't been below 160 for a week. Yesterday it was 218. I think this is causing my Depression. Blood sugar changes can cause mood swings.

I recently learned how Insulin works. It takes the excess sugar(glucose) in the blood and turns it into fat. So, 4 times a day I give myself and injection to make myself fatter. That makes me so sad. I am already overweight. I can barely exercise. I push myself as much as I can. I don't eat sugar. I am still gaining weight. I cannot quit eating. Today I am up to 199.4 pounds. I am 5'9" tall.

What has caused the Diabetes to flare up? I have never heard of anyone talk about a Diabetes flare. I really think that's what this is. I have Sarcoidosis. Are there granulomas in my Liver or Pancreas causing this? I have Dysautonomia. Is there something going on with my nerves in these organs that is causing this? I don't know the answers and I don't know if anyone does. I have Small Fiber Neuropathy. Is there any relationship between that and Diabetes?  When I start down this train of thought I daydream about being a research scientist and finding answers.

There have been storms. Winter finally made it to Utah this year. My husband had been talking about removing my snow tires because it had been so warm. Now, he is thankful he didn't. Can weather cause a Diabetic flare?

Well, I don't know the answers but I know I am depressed.

So, what I can do is think of things I am grateful for. I have a lot of people that love me. I have been happily married for almost 26 years. My husband is my best friend. I have 4 beautiful children who love me. I have 2 amazing daughters in law that love me. I have a son in law that helps to take care of me. I have 9 fabulous grand children and 2 more on the way. One of my grandchildren is a 2 year old grandson who loves to play with my Darth Vader and Storm Trooper toys. He holds them and says pew pew and laughs. I am smart. I look young. My husband thinks I am beautiful. I also have parents, siblings, in laws, friends, and they all love me.

Today I will force myself to sing a song. I have had some requests. I know there are at least 2 people who enjoy me singing on Facebook live. Singing with Sarcoidosis. Wouldn't it be great if I could cure Depression and Sarcoidosis by singing? hahaha

To anyone who took the time to read this - Thank you!