I am an Individual

When my youngest child, Edna, was little, she came out of her room one day and cried, "I am an individual." We had to have a discussion to understand why that was traumatic. Once she explained it I understood perfectly.

What she meant was that she knew she was different from her siblings and everyone else that she knew. I totally relate to that. It is something that I have struggled with all of my life. As I try to be truer to myself it becomes more apparent that I am an individual. I have always longed to be like everyone else. My family has thought it strange that I wanted to be part of the LGBTQ community. I could never explain it before but now I can. I love that community because it is full of people that are not trying to fit themselves into a mold that they don't belong in. I have been doing that all of my life. I want everyone around me to be happy and comfortable. I have been willing to bend and mold myself in ways that I thought would make that happen. I am learning that I am not responsible for the happiness of others. That is a tough lesson. If I am not responsible for the happiness of my children, that means that my parents are not responsible for my happiness! (gasp) I am not sure that I like that. But in turn I am not responsible for the happiness of my parents. That is freeing. My husband has told me many times that I don't allow him to have his feelings. That is because I am uncomfortable with negative emotions. They are painful to me. But I am learning. Little by little, I am learning to be the real me. Not everyone will like the real me. But if I'm honest, not everyone liked the pretend me either. That's ok. I am allowed to change my mind, my opinions, my clothes, my beliefs... But my core person is the same. I am getting to know who that is.