Approved for Disability

I just got approved for Long Term Disability. Why am I not jumping for joy. I thought I would be so happy. The emotions involved in this process are crazy. It was humiliating that they had to request records from all of my doctors to prove my disability. I would rather go to work. I love my job. Some people think I am crazy but it is true. Maybe because I have been on disability before, I know there is no glamor in it. It is actually heart breaking. I am 46 years old. I see other people my age going on trips, hiking mountains, running marathons. My achievements are walking to the mailbox, meeting my therapist on google hangout so I don't have to go to her office, finding a medication that helps instead of making me worse. I don't want to be on disability. I was kinda hoping I would be denied so I would have to return to work. That doesn't mean I am well enough but I was hoping my righteous indignation would fuel me. I would rather have 100% of my pay instead of 70%. I'd rather get quarterly bonuses and annual raises because I'm good at my job. I'd rather think about whether I want to stay in my current role or move to something that challenges me in a different way. I would rather spend time with my colleagues planning potlucks and celebrating their birthdays. I am grateful. I have good benefits and a good support system. But I think I will cry for a while about what I have lost. The disability company will reevaluate my situation in December. Maybe I will be healthy enough that they will deny me next time. I will hope.