I want to be well NOW!!!

My word this year is ACCEPTANCE.

That doesn't mean that I am not fighting for my life. It means that I am striving to accept the process even though it doesn't work as fast as I would like.

On January 17, 2017 I went to the Emergency Department with tachycardia and fatigue. I wanted a pill that would fix my problem so I could go to work the next day. Guess what. That pill doesn't exist. I spent the next 8 months looking for diagnoses and cures before I accepted that I couldn't return to work.

I have securities licenses. What that means is that I worked very hard to become a Registered Representative that can trade stocks, bonds, mutual funds and other financial securities in the USA. It took months of study to get those licenses and I enjoyed my job. There is a condition that comes with those licenses. If they are not held by a broker they will expire and I will have to take the tests again if I want them back. The Securities and Exchange Commission will allow 2 years without a broker before they expire. Those 2 years are up at the end of 2019. So, I am hoping to find health and return to work this year.

Some doctors are better than others. There is an amazing Emergency doctor that I encountered during my process. He told me that there is probably a chronic illness that I have that hasn't been diagnosed. I have so many diagnoses already. I have very few answers. My body doesn't like modern medicine. It is rejecting drug after drug.

I have been eating a whole food plant based diet with no animal products, oil, sugar or processed foods for over a month now. I am avoiding GMOs and flour. I make all of my food because I have so many rules. I would be salt free but because of Dysautonomia, I can't do that. I want to be well already. I woke up today at 1:50am in so much pain. My body hurts so bad. In November I went on 30 minute walks almost every day. I haven't been well enough to do that since Thanksgiving.

Here is a list of my diagnoses:
Sarcoidosis
Type 2 Diabetes - treated by an insulin pump
Dysautonomia
Fibromyalgia
Gastroparesis
High Blood Pressure
Tachycardia
Fatty Liver
Irritable Bowel Syndrome
Acid Reflux
Asthma
Chronic Dehydration - treated by twice weekly fluid infusions
Migraines
Cluster Headaches
Sleep Apnea
Teeth Grinding
Chronic Fatigue
Small Fiber Neuropathy
PTSD - anxiety/depression

I may have forgotten something.

I am not giving up. This post is probably more to remind me of that as well as to keep my promise to myself to track my monthly progress.

My taste buds are changing. I am a VERY picky eater. I told myself that I have to eat all the foods, even if I don't like something, I am going to try it. I have noticed that it is getting easier. The healthier foods are beginning to taste better to me.

I am working my way through the How Not to Die Cookbook from front to back. It is teaching me how to cook differently.

This past Monday I saw a new Gastroenterologist who told me that he wants me to go on a diet of lean meats and diabetic protein shakes. I didn't like that. He wants to see me again in 3 months. I told him that I am going to stick to my plan and in 3 months we will see if I am better, worse or about the same.

On Thursday I saw my pulmonologist. She said that my lungs are beautiful. There is no sign of Sarcoidosis in my lungs. That was confusing because I don't feel any better. It is good news though. She said that I still have Sarcoidosis. There was proof in my 24 hour urine last August. My calcium was very high. She said that I do not process calcium or vitamin D properly. She told me to avoid supplements for those nutrients and stay away from calcium rich foods that are not vegetables. She says that I need some calcium so it is good to get it from vegetables That sounds like support for my new lifestyle. :D In other words....No dairy. I am already doing that. I have recently seen kidney stones on my abdominal CTs. That is evidence that I don't process calcium correctly. Fortunately they aren't large enough to cause pain. She also told me to start avoiding so many CTs. They may do more harm than good. She is a good doctor (in my humble opinion). I don't have to see her again unless I feel like I need to. We did not schedule a follow up. Yay! One less doctor.

5'9" tall

199.6 pounds (down 11.4 pounds)

42.25" waist around navel (down 2.75")

Whole Food, Plant Based Eating - My New Hope

I am thinking of taking before pictures today. I cannot tell you how many times in my life I have taken before pictures. It is a LOT. A really BIG number. I can tell you how many times I have taken after pictures. Zero. I am continuously looking for improvement.

There are many reasons for this. One is that my health has been on a continuous decline pretty much since birth. One is that doing the same thing day after day is not in my nature. The reason that stands out is that it is difficult to appreciate my body for how it is today. 

So, while I am starting a new program, (and I am going to tell you ALL about that), I am going to take time to appreciate the beauty of my body and how amazing it is.

Let's start there. 

Regina Spektor sings in her song Folding Chair:

"I've got a perfect body, though sometimes I forget,
I've got a perfect body cause my eyelashes catch my sweat."

I am going to tell you what makes my body perfect. This is difficult because it is more in my nature to tell you everything that makes it imperfect. Everything that is wrong. But that is not the purpose of this exercise.

My oxygen saturation is nearly ALWAYS above 90%. That is miraculous with lung disease.

I am a dancer. I have had multiple neurologists watch me do their tests and say, "Are you a dancer?"

My eyes, hair, skin are not all one color. When I was little my mom said my hair was calico. It has been naturally red, blonde, brown and white. I have unnaturally made it various other colors too. My blue eyes have hints of brown and green and gray. I don't know what to call my skin color. It has pink undertones and lots of spots. Society calls me white but I have some white hair now and some white in my eyes and my skin is not that color. I AM a rainbow. 

My body wants to heal. It tells me immediately when it is unhappy. I recognize that things are wrong before the medical community does. My body talks to me.

My body wants to dance and sing and hike the grand canyon. My body has dreams. My body is a fighter. 

I was not born in my natural state. I was born sick. My natural state is health. I have been trying to get there my entire life.

I think I finally know how. 

The skeptics will say, "Come on Susie, how many times have we heard this. How many diets and exercise programs and supplements and medical professionals have you tried already?"

I have travelled across the country for help. I have seen so many doctors and even people outside of mainstream western medicine. If you could buy health I would have it. I have read countless books and blogs. I have watched YouTube videos and documentaries. 

What crazy thing am I trying now?

A Whole Food, Plant Based Diet (WFPB)

I know, I know, I tried it before. And you know what? My health was better then. 

I understand now why I quit. In episode 6 of the iThrive documentary series it explains how our cravings are there for our our survival. Getting through the initial craving phase is not the end! Periodically our brain will say, "Hey, remember that amazing food we haven't had in a long time? The one with a lot of calories that tasted really good? We need that. We need that right now! Go get it now!" It can happen months or years later even if you haven't been cheating. It is a biological function to ensure our survival. It reminds us of high calorie food sources. It doesn't make me a bad person or mean that I have no will power. It's simple science.

This time I have more knowledge and resources. I am going to document my progress and share my resources. 

What is different this time? 

I am going to avoid all animal products, oil and processed foods. They all recommend avoiding salt but because I have Dysautonomia I cannot do that yet. I hope to get to the point where I can but for now I take salt capsules. 

Last time, I ate processed foods and used oil and I think I ate too many grains. They say that if you are WFPB and aren't losing weight to cut the oil. 

Last time, my motivation was to lose weight and gain energy. This time, my motivation is survival. I want to live. 

Last time, I started because I watched the documentary Fat Sick and Nearly Dead so I was drinking a lot of juices. This time, I am limiting my juice intake. I am not cutting it out but I am focusing more on whole plants.

This time, I feel like I have a lot more knowledge. From everything that I have tried I have learned. I have learned about the human body. I have learned about myself. 

To prepare for this I was introduced to the Medical Medium and Mastering Diabetes and iThrive. It was in the iThrive facebook group that someone introduced me to the How Not to Die book. That was very impactful. I have been listening to books on Audible. After I listened to that one I bought the matching cookbook. Then I listened to Eat to Live and now I am finishing up the China Study. I never wanted to read that book because I don't like reading scientific papers even though I love science. But the book has been better than I anticipated. 

I am so grateful to all the people that have been working on this research so that I can benefit from the information. 

My last animal meal was on Wednesday, December 5th, 2018. Today is December 13th so I have been doing this for a week without cheating on purpose. I say it that way because as my eyes are opened I realize that there are things that I don't want to put in my body in places that I don't expect. Like corn syrup in gummies that I chew to avoid a virus or sugar and oil in the pasta sauce I bought. After my eyes are opened I don't use that product anymore. 

Last Wednesday, my husband and I went out for cheeseburgers and french fries. I had fry sauce (if you're not from Utah, it's basically ketchup mixed with mayo) and a chocolate/vanilla twist ice cream cone. That night I was in so much pain that I contemplated going to the Emergency department of the local hospital. Why didn't I? I didn't want to bother anyone, I was tired, I was in pain, I am a complicated chronically ill person and don't have a lot of faith in Emergency doctors finding the answers I need. So, I tossed and turned all night. 

The next day I woke up determined to figure out what was wrong and fix it. I had heard several times about water fasting. I knew from experience that not eating decreased the pain. I decided I would still have my coffee but I wouldn't eat until I could figure out what was going on. The pain was in the left upper quadrant of my abdomen. I know that is the location of the spleen and the liver. I know I have fatty liver and I could have granulomas from Sarcoidosis in my liver. I also know that my Sarcoidosis is worst in my lymphatic system. I had read that an enlarged spleen is fairly common in Sarcoidosis and that sometimes it needs to be removed. I did some Googling. It turns out the spleen is part of the lymphatic system. That makes sense. What kind of doctor takes care of a spleen?  I had my infusion that day so I asked my nurse. She said she thought it would be a hematologist and recommended one for me. I Googled it and she was right. 

I called my primary doctor and asked her to order a CT of my abdomen. I also called the Hematologist and asked for an appointment. They said I needed a referral. So, I called my doctor again and asked for a referral to the Hematologist. My doctor ordered the CT and sent the referral. I called the Hematologist office again to ask for an appointment. They said that he couldn't help me because I have Sarcoidosis. They said that if I had Lymphoma they could help me. I argued and explained about the spleen. They finally succumbed to making an appointment but made sure to point out that the doctor doesn't help people with Sarcoidosis. They recommended a Pulmonologist or a Rheumatologist. I explained that I have seen both of those doctors and that they can't help in this situation. There were lots of tears. I felt like they were telling me they didn't want to help me because I have a rare condition. I finally found the name of a Hematologist that treats people with Sarcoidosis but by then I was done for the day. 

The next day I had my CT done. It said my spleen was normal and that I had fatty liver. It confirmed that my lymph nodes were still enlarged. I cancelled the appointment with the Hematologist that didn't want to see me. I ended my fast with a smoothie on Friday evening. The pain was gone and so was my determination to receive medical care. 

I was fully 100% committed to a Whole Food, Plant Based diet. My new hope. My only hope. 

Hope is so important. When you are chronically ill, hope is in short supply. When your body rejects medication after medication and your insurance denies the only remaining treatment option, hope feels gone. 

On November 13th my mom shared a link for iThrive. I thought it was an MLM she was doing so I clicked on the link and signed up not knowing what it was because I wanted to be supportive. It ended up being a documentary series. They emailed me a link to a new episode each evening for 9 days. I watched them. Then I found myself not wanting to wait for the next episode. On the last day I bought the series. It came with a free copy that I gave to my mom. It changed my life. I started making little changes right away. 

In the one week I have been doing this completely I have noticed lower blood sugars, lower blood pressure and a lower heart rate. That is promising. :D

5'9" tall

204 pounds

(started at 211 pounds on 11/18/18)

45" waist around navel

My Christmas Wish

Photo by Victor Garcia on Unsplash

I am a 100% white American of European descent. That's what my DNA test from Ancestry.com tells me. The first 11 years of my life were in Maryvale, a part of Phoenix, Arizona. That was the 1970's. Our area was predominantly white. It was unusual to see someone that was a different color or from a different country. When I did, I usually made friends with them. We had derogatory names for people who were different and we told pollock jokes. I didn't know what any of that meant. I didn't even know what a pollock was. I had never heard of Poland.

My Grandparents made frequent trips to Mexico. They would bring me hand made gifts from their travels. I was the only little girl I knew that had crocheted sombreros for her Barbies. I remember making a derogatory remark about Mexicans. I was 6 years old. I didn't know better. I was repeating what I heard in my community. My Grandma educated me and told me that there were a lot of people in Mexico who were hard working Entrepreneurs. I knew what that was because my dad was a hard working Entrepreneur. She told me that a Mexican woman had taken the time to make those sombreros for my Barbies with her own hands. She told me that it was a beautiful place and that is why she enjoyed going there with my Grandpa.

I know now that not everyone had a Grandma like mine.

That area of Phoenix is now predominantly hispanic. If I were to move back, I would be the minority. And you know what? That is ok!

I grew up and married a Mexican. He has been a wonderful husband and Father. It hasn't been easy. Marriage is work. When you have 2 different cultures, that makes it more work. But again, that is ok. It is definitely worth it. Work is not bad.

My husband's family has become my family over the 26 years that we have been married. Some of them live in Mexico and some of them live in the United States. My husband's heart will always be Mexican. He loves the land of his birth. It is a part of him. He didn't want to become an American citizen because he didn't want to betray his homeland. He is a citizen now. Largely to appease my father. My father was worried that someday something may happen to separate us if we were not citizens of the same country.

Holidays are tough having family in 2 countries. Everyone wants to be together but it is often not possible. This Christmas my husband is driving his mom to a family gathering in Chihuahua, Mexico. I am not able to attend because my health is not strong enough for the trip. My mother in law is 87 years old. I watched her heart break when I told her that I would not be able to go to Mexico with her. She doesn't understand my disability because she has dementia. This will be the first Christmas apart for Antar and I in the 26 years and 9 months that we have been married.

Isn't that enough to make this Christmas a little challenging?

Well, I guess not because there is more.

The president of the US has threatened repeatedly to shut down the entire Mexican/American border and stop trade with Mexico. He actually did shut the border at Tijuana recently for around 7 hours affecting 90,000 people including American Citizens. There has always been a free zone when you enter Mexico. You could travel a certain distance from the border without a permit. That is not true right now.

When I watch the stories on the news, they don't make any sense.

I have family in Mexico that doesn't want to come to the US because they are afraid it is too dangerous. I have family in the US that don't want to travel to Mexico because they are afraid it is too dangerous.

This is not about blame. This is about me and my Christmas.

I was very young and idealistic when NAFTA first passed. I guess I still am. I thought it meant that we could come and go and do business with Mexico and Canada and be a big happy family. Like 3 countries united. Right? Wrong.

I am thinking of the Grinch. How his heart was too small but the whos in whoville were able to share the Christmas spirit and make his heart grow. That is my Christmas wish. The the little hearts will grow so that we can all be safe and happy and merry and I don't have to worry about my husband getting stuck in another country.

I wish all of you a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

Photo by Denise Johnson on Unsplash

How I Discovered That I Am Pansexual

I am Pansexual.

That's crazy.

Except it's not. It makes perfect sense when you understand it.

I am not really sure where the beginning of this story is. I will pick a time and place. The time and place that I choose is 2015 or 2016 in a meeting at work. One of my favorite things about working is volunteering. I love the Employee Resource Groups and the activities that they involve. I love to socialize. So, on this day I was in an LGBTQ meeting at work. I met someone there. I want to share her name because it is a beautiful name for a beautiful person, but I won't for her privacy. She is married to a transgender woman. The way that showed up in her life is that she married a man who later started to transition to a woman. She unconditionally loved and accepted her spouse. That was so beautiful to me. I thought this is true love! This person is so beautiful inside and out that I can hardly stand it.

I went home and told my husband the story. It was interesting to him but he didn't have as intense of a reaction as I did. I told him that I loved him so much that if he ever decided he was a woman and wanted to transition it would not affect our marriage. I really thought it was a measurement of how much I loved him.
My husband responded by looking at me like I was a martian and said, "Ok." 
I said, "It's your turn."
He said, "What?" genuinely puzzled.
Me: "You tell me. Tell me that you would still love me if I wanted to be a man."
Him: "Do you?"
Me: "No."
Him: "Good."
Me: "Well?"
Him: "Just don't."
I was crushed. I thought it was proof that my husband did not love me as much as I loved him. But I decided I wasn't going to let it affect our marriage. He was a still good husband.

Fast forward about a year. I think it was 2017. I was watching I Am Jazz. I love that show! She is awesome. She was talking about dating. She explained that she was Pansexual. I had never heard of that word. She said it meant that she was attracted to a person's spirit regardless of their body. Gender did not matter. It felt like a spiritual experience. Like a pillar of light and angels singing. I just felt it in every cell of my being.

That's me! That's what I am! I am Pansexual. 

I didn't tell anyone at first. As I was thinking about it I realized something important. Wait for it.....

My husband is Heterosexual.

I realized that I had never really been able to understand that word. I thought I had been heterosexual all of my life. In thinking that I thought all heterosexuals loved like I do and thought like I do. They don't! Part of why my husband loves me is BECAUSE I am a WOMAN. Woah! Mind blown. Our love is different. I don't really care if he is male, female or something else. But it is important to him that I am a woman.

All of a sudden I had a new understanding and appreciation for my husband. Learning that I am Pansexual has been good for our marriage.

Nothing changed on the outside. We have been monogamously married for 26 1/2 years and we will continue that way for as long as we are both alive on the planet. But now we understand each other so much better. It is beautiful.

My husband is so amazing because he loves me and accepts me as I am, as I was, and as I grow and change. We grow and change together. No one stays the same. We are all growing up.

Dear 2017 this year I experienced... August 2017

I found this draft that I never published. It is probably unfinished but I am going to publish it anyway. August 2018 was way better than August 2017. That is something to be celebrated! :D

Dear 2017 this year I experienced....

August 2017

The 1st week of August was pretty good. I worked 4 days straight. It was helpful that we were staying at a timeshare that was only 5 minutes from work so I didn't have much of a commute. There were times during the day that I was supposed to work on cases but since I had missed so much work I didn't have any cases to work on. So, I reclined in my chair and rested. I did research on how Long Term Disability works. I called my primary doctor to see if she could still treat me with my diagnosis of Sarcoidosis. She said she could.

Thursday, August 3, 2017 - I went to get fluids after work. I felt like the 1 hour drive each way kind of defeated the purpose.

Friday, August 4, 2017 - We went to my niece's wedding reception after work. I couldn't stay very long.

Saturday, August 5, 2017 - We checked out of the timeshare. That afternoon I went with my daughters to get mani/pedis. I could barely wait for him to finish my toes. I couldn't stay to get my hands done. I needed to go home and rest.

Sunday, August 6, 2017 - I took my daughter, Edna to the Emergency Department. It was her gall bladder. We went to get some groceries and came home.

Monday, August 7, 2017 - I drove into work and accepted that I couldn't do it. It was too much. I cleaned out my desk and went home.
I took Edna to see a surgeon about her gall bladder.
I went to see my primary doctor to fill out Long Term Disability paperwork.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017 - Antar had a doctor appointment.
I took Edna to get an abdominal CT. I got my mammogram while I was waiting.
I went to the infusion center for fluids.

Thursday, August 10, 2017 - Edna had gall bladder surgery.
While she was in surgery I went to my follow up appointment with the cardiothoracic surgeon.
Then I went to my endocrinologist to get a glucose monitor put on my arm.
I managed to get back to the hospital before Edna was done. My husband was there the whole time.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017 - Antar and I went to our neurologist.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017 - Edna had her follow up appointment with her surgeon.

Thursday, August 17, 2017 - I went to my Endocrinologist.
I saw my ENT.

Friday, August 18, 2017 - I have a nurse case manager with my insurance that called to check in on me.

Monday, August 21, 2017 - I went to see my Optometrist to talk to him about my Sarcoidosis.

Thursday, August 24, 2017 - I had labs done for the nephrologist.
I went to my follow up appointment with the pulmonologist.

Monday, August 28, 2017 - I went to see my Gastroenterologist.

Tuesday, August 29, 2017 - I saw the Nephrologist.

Wednesday, August 30, 2017 - I saw my therapist.
I went to the infusion center for fluids.

Thursday, August 31, 2017 - I took Antar to see the neurosurgeon.

Words

This post is kind of a solo therapy session that I am opening up to voyeurism. I am going to confess now that there may be spelling errors and grammatical errors and poor use of the English language. I really thought this was all about words until I opened up Blogger on my computer and saw my last post. It was my reaction to seeing the Endocrinologist. This is much bigger than words. Let me start by telling you the most obvious problem. No, let me start by illustrating my love of words.

I love words. I love language. I consider myself a linguist even though I do not have a degree from anyone other than myself. I am the kind of person who writes for fun. I read the Work and the Glory in 10 days back in 1999. I guesstimate that is about 500 pages per day. I read while I made pancakes and did my household chores. I was a stay at home mom then. A very honorable profession. Last year when I found out I could no longer go to work I decided I had time to study 8 different languages on my duolingo app. I still remember that in one of those languages Draig means Dragon. I believe that was Welsh? Prynhawn da, Draig. Do people in Wales often have the opportunity to say, "Good afternoon, Dragon."? I thought it was fun that Dragon was considered a basic word in that language.

I am having a total problem with words right now. I can't read a book. I can't listen to a book on audible. I can't read long posts on Facebook. I can't read articles that I am interested in. And it doesn't stop there. I am having trouble finding words when I speak. It doesn't matter what language. Why? I don't know. Words are causing me stress. How can something I love so much cause me so much stress. I started this year with the intent of writing a novel.

Let's look at the coincidence. My last appointment with my endocrinologist was not good. Everything was bad. I blamed food. I completely changed my diet. The majority of the books I have read in the past couple of years have been related to diet. While I was still working, before I started Keto, I read Grain Brain and other books about the horrors of eating bread and grains. Since 2008 when I was diagnosed with Diabetes I cannot even tell you how many books I have read on diet. In fact it goes back before that. I have a history of eating disorders and like most people I have spent my entire adulthood trying to lose weight. I read books about diet and exercise and every time I would start a new program I envisioned myself finishing with the Iron Man competition or the Boston Marathon or being a Fitness Model. You could say I always had high hopes.

Let's jump to the present. My exercise program? I am trying to plank for 10 seconds a day. You read that right. That's not a type o. I said seconds, not minutes. I successfully did Keto for over a year and I got good at it. People loved my cooking. It was easy and intuitive. Then, that fateful day with the Endocrinologist, when I learned that my Diabetes, High Blood Pressure and Cholesterol were all terribly high and my vitamin D was terribly low happened. So, a friend told me about the Medical Medium and Mastering Diabetes. I switched from all protein to all fruits and vegetables. I did it gradually over a month. These guys said I could cure myself with diet. That didn't last long. I got really bad bloating and abdominal pain. I went to the Gastroenterologist and was put on the Gastroparesis diet. It turns out that I can't process all of that fiber. A Gastroparesis diet is counterintuitive to a Diabetic. Everything I couldn't eat before is pretty much all I eat now. I still try to avoid added sugar and desserts. But I am eating white bread and pasta and drinking fruit and vegetable juices. Now, I am low fat, low fiber. I honestly feel better when I don't eat. For a little while. Then I start feeling sick and shaky.

I guess I figured it out. I am going to ease myself back in. I am going to look for a book that is pure enjoyment. I don't want to read about politics or the injustices of society or self improvement, especially not diet. I need to find the joy in words again.

I am thinking Piers Anthony.....that will be pun.

What do I believe?

I don't know the answer to this so I am going to talk it out. 

I have to start with who is my GUHP (God, Universe, Higher Power). 

I was raised to believe it was Heavenly Father and Jesus was the mediator. It turns out I was believing what I was told to believe. I thought I was Atheist for a big chunk of my life but it turns out that wasn't right either. I don't have the same GUHP as my parents or most of my friends. And it turns out that my GUHP changes based on my needs in life. I think that makes perfect sense but it is so contrary to how I was raised that sometimes it is uncomfortable. My GUHP had been the Earth for a couple of months. It has changed. That's how I know it changes. I thought maybe it was the Earth all along. I don't know. Maybe it was but it is not now. The Earth is very kind though. It is holding space for me while I embrace my new GUHP. I feel it is the Fat Happy Traveler Buddha. But I haven't embraced him yet. So it's kinda like the dynamic I grew up with but now the Earth is the intermediary. I have to bond with my new GUHP. I think part of that is acknowledging that I am not Buddhist. I don't need labels or spiritual rules. I just need a GUHP that is there when I need them.

What do I believe about souls?

I believe we all have a soul. Souls are important. We need to take good care of them.

What is my origin/creation story? Did/do we exist before/after life on this planet?

I don't know. I believe other people when they tell me their beliefs. My belief is I don't know. I was raised with the story of the preexistence in Heaven. I relate a lot of spirituality to University. I imagined that before I was born there was a catalog of all the human traits you could gain through experience on Earth. It didn't tell me what trials I would go through but I thought I could handle it all. I do this in real life when I make my schedule at University. I want to take all the classes. So, I imagined that I signed up for all of the traits/trials. I don't believe this is true anymore. 

The best story I have heard is that the atmosphere is made of the energy of all life that ever has been or will be on Earth. We are part of the atmosphere. Then we take a body. Then we return to the atmosphere. Living creatures with physical form can access the energy in the atmosphere at any time to help them in their daily lives. I like that story. That is why I chose the Earth as my GUHP. I am part of the Earth. I feel that. I don't want to be an astronaut. I need the Earth to live. I am part of the Earth and the Earth is part of me. It is a very important relationship in my life. I cannot live without the Earth.

Truly though. I have a very logical/spiritual mind. I don't know where I came from. Except that I came from my mother's womb and the seed that my father put in it. I am made of the energy and experiences and the DNA of all of my ancestors. I am connected to my progeny. I love life. Life is beautiful. It is ok that I don't know everything. 

I believe in Energy. 

My mentor, Kami Orange, once said..."If a story makes you feel better it is a good story." That is how I can embrace Spiritual Gifts and Entourage and all of this woo-woo stuff. I don't know how it works. It does make me feel better. So, even though someone in my head says none of this is real, I am  embracing it. After all, spirituality is all about believing. I believe in Faeries and Angels and Fat Happy Traveler Buddhas.