#MeToo

Today for the 100th time I tried to post #metoo on Facebook. I feel like I talk about my abuse all the time. But I don't feel heard. I think it is because I was persuaded not to go to the police. I am always told that I need to forgive and be nice. But I want to say...What about me???  What I originally posted was...

Warning: This post will make you uncomfortable. You do not have to read it.

#metoo Ok. I am late to the party and my heart is pounding out of my chest as I write this. It is so terrifying. I know there will be backlash from my friends and family but METOO! I have PTSD from childhood sexual abuse. Let's talk about the consequences to all of mankind. I was probably 40 before I stopped seeing ALL men as sexual predators. There were a few exceptions but for the most part if he was male my brain thought he wanted to sexually abuse me in some way. When my sons became the age of my abusers I saw the difference. My sons are not predators. One day my brother in law came over to my house about 25 years ago and I wouldn't let him in. I know now he can be trusted. In fact, I have a lot of male friends now. I LOVE gay men because I KNOW they aren't interested in having sex with me so I can relax and enjoy our friendship. I was raised Mormon. When I was 15 and pregnant I was in a support group at LDS social services. Most of the girls in there were abused by their bishops. This problem is everywhere. I remember when my most prominent abuser (I had several) got a temple recommend. I was devastated. My safe place was violated. It was the one place I knew he could never enter. And now he could.

I was a withdrawn child and a promiscuous teen. I think my teens started at age 10.

I'm supposed to be kind and forgiving and worry about his feelings. Look the other way when he shows up in my safe places. Pretend I'm not terrified for my daughters and granddaughters when he is around them. I wish it had never happened. How many of my health and mental issues are caused by being treated as a sex toy before I was physically or emotionally developed? I am NOT the bad guy! Why do I feel the need to constantly defend myself for being a victim? For trying to protect myself? This is NOT ok.

This is the society that we live in. This is why people don't come forward. I'm afraid to post this and the last time I was victimized I was 27 so 20 years ago and the pain is still as fresh as if it just happened. I was victimized by a college professor. Guess how the school handled it? They transferred me and gave me straight A's for the semester even though I was too traumatized to go to class anymore. Everyone that I told about it blamed me. Most people are encouraged to remain silent. Nobody wants to hear about this. The world is awakening. We will not be silenced. We will change the climate of sexual predation! Do you know why it is scary? Maybe because if you open your eyes you will see that you have been affected. You were abused or someone you know was abused. Please. Let's make it all stop. Let the abusers see what they have done and face the consequences. Let them really repent and attempt restitution before you ask us to forgive.

That was super edited. I kept removing things I thought could be taken offensively. I only left it up for 5 minutes. When I took it down I put this in it's place...

I finally made a #metoo post. I left it up for 5 minutes! Whew! That was brave. lol

Then I went back and edited it to say...

I finally made a #metoo post. I left it up for 5 minutes! Whew! That was brave. lol

Now I am criticizing myself because this is technically a #metoo post because it contains #metoo so, you don't need to criticize me. It's been done. The other one shared how it affected me and my feelings but the truth is that I am too afraid of the reactions of my friends and family to share those things. In case you are wondering why people don't speak up...there ya go. I have spent probably 30 minutes to an hour with my heart banging out of my chest on this topic.

I'm exhausted.

April 2017

I try to be consistent but let's face it. It's just not my nature. 😂   Well, I am going to be as surprised as you are by this post because I have no idea what it will contain! Let's get started.

In one of my facebook posts someone shared the following graphic...

I totally missed the 7th. Today is the 8th! What do I do??? So, let's think about both of the prompts while we go through this post and then I will answer them at the end. Dear 2017 you showed me.... and Dear 2017 I gained....

I noticed that I didn't record all of my infections. I should work on that because I would like to be able to celebrate when they get further apart.

April 3, 2017 - I had acupuncture

April 4, 2017 - I saw Dr. Frech. We discussed that they didn't find anything and made sure I was getting my pneumonia taken care of.

Thursday, April 6, 2017 - I had a massage and acupuncture.

Friday, April 7, 2017 - I saw my primary doctor. I stopped my insulin and started Keto. That was a major life event! I don't know why I started when we were traveling. I think it was because I didn't want to wait to get better. We left that day to go to Idaho to see the blessing of our grandson, Axel. The whole family was there which is a rare event. I tried to get a family picture and failed. I hope we all get together again someday but with my health I have learned not to take things like that for granted.

This is a picture of my husband and I with our 9 grandchildren.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017 - acupuncture

Thursday, April 13, 2017 - acupuncture

Friday, April 13, 2017 - Primary Doctor

Saturday, April 15, 2017 - I went with my daughters and their families to the Young Living farms in Mona, Utah for their annual Easter Egg Hunt. We found my niece and her family there too.

What a stylish Granny I am? This was the first time I was using my walker. It's pink :)

Monday, April 17, 2017 - We started our drive to AZ. We stopped to sleep in Nevada so it took 2 days to get there. I was lying down in a bed made for me in the back of our Ford Explorer for most of the trip. We spent a few nights in hotels while we got beds, electricity, etc situated in Edna's new house. She bought her first house which was a big deal. This would be her first time on her own since her husband, Marcus died. I pushed myself too hard. I couldn't help it. I had a need to make everything perfect for my baby. But no matter what I did, I couldn't make Marcus come back. Here's a pic of a great Keto meal from Perkins. I had them sub spinach for the rice.

Friday, April 21, 2017 - I went to the Emergency Department in Casa Grande, AZ. I was having difficulty with the heat. I was dehydrated.

Wednesday, April, 26, 2017 - Back to the Emergency Department in Casa Grande, AZ. same thing. dehydration.

Sunday, April 30, 2017 - We flew from Mesa, AZ to Saint Cloud, MN. Just Antar & I. It was our first experience with Uber because no one was available to give us our rental car on Sunday. That airport is so tiny there are no taxis. There were hardly any people. They all vanished really fast. Poof! 

Me at the airport in Mesa, AZ.

Dear 2017 you showed me that having expectations causes pain. Expecting to be able to go to the gym. Expecting to return to work. Expecting doctors to fix things. When I let go of my expectations I can enjoy what is and be happy.

Dear 2017 I gained...this is a tough one. ??? I gained a greater understanding of what brings me joy. I have a very small energy budget or if you go by the spoon theory I have a shortage of spoons. Because of this I am learning only to spend my energy/spoons on things that I truly love. If I try something and I don't like it, I don't do it anymore. 

My Wii Works!!!

I was debating. Should I do a month a day until I am caught up on my story? Or should I alternate with other stuff. Alternating won. My posts yesterday were really heavy. I need to lighten stuff up. I am a naturally light and happy person.

I slept!!! (queue chorus of angels) And it was awesome. It was not a perfect night. I fell asleep in my chair and it was one of those nights when I fall asleep and my body turns to lead that molds into the chair and I can't move it. But my husband wanted to watch Monday Night Football. I can sleep through dramas and action movies. I actually sleep through action the best. Too many explosions and I am snoring. But I cannot sleep through Football and Auto Racing is even worse. Those engines revving wake me up as a grumpy monster. So, he was sweetly (grrr) persuading me to go to my bed. That was around 8pm. I didn't put in my ripple retainer for sleep apnea and grinding my teeth. I woke up at 1:30am in so much pain. The pain was in my neck and my right shoulder. I had surgery to put in a port in the right side of my chest 5 days ago. I came out of my room. I took 800mg Ibuprofen and 175mg Carisoprodol. I put Lidocaine cream on my port and then topped it off with an ice pack. I got comfy in my recliner and went back to sleep. It didn't take more than 30 minutes. Normally I would have been awake for the day some time between 2 and 4am. I didn't wake up until 6:55am. Not only that I felt refreshed. Oh, it was so nice.

So, here is my uplifting story today!!!!
Yesterday I was watching Cookie Swirl C on YouTube with my granddaughters. We watch 2 to 3 episodes a day. https://www.youtube.com/user/CookieSwirlC  Amanda is 6 and she loves the ones where Cookie is playing a video game. So, I am watching and thinking, hey! I have time to play Wii! It was like when you get inspiration for an amazing new invention. So, after the 3rd episode I said that was enough and sent the girls upstairs. I got out my Wii remotes. The batteries were corroded. I cleaned them up and put in new batteries. I turned on the Wii. Nothing happened. I played around with the settings on the receiver. Nothing. I got out the TV remote. I got it to where the Wii was trying to shine through but it was black and white and fuzzy. I tried to use my controller. It wouldn't work! This was frustrating but I was determined! I was worried the controllers were ruined from the corrosion. What if the Wii didn't work anymore because I quit playing?? I googled and learned how to sync my remotes. They worked!! Yay!!! 
en-americas-support.nintendo.com/app/.../how-to-sync-a-wii-remote-with-a-wii-console 
Then I started looking at the back of the TV, following cords to see where they were going, plugging
and unplugging cords. Nothing was working. I returned to google and put in Why is my Wii Black and
White and Fuzzy. I found a YouTube video!!! I love YouTube! 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7Lg5dZtSKY
Tada!! We are back in business. I have 2 Zelda games that I never finished because I was busy working, going to school, being a Mom, Wife, Granny, etc.

I decided to play Twilight Princess. My journey was saved. I last played in February 2012. I tried to pick up where I left off but I couldn't remember how to do anything. So, I created a new profile. I named it Susie. I was trying to name my horse Horsie but accidentally saved it as Hors. I should have left it as Epona. Oh well. So, Hors and I started our journey by herding some goats. That was enough. It was fun. :)

So, I Have Dysautonomia. Now What?

On February 27, 2017 I was diagnosed with Dysautonomia. What the heck is that???? I went home and googled. I started watching YouTube. Most of the people who make videos are young girls that pass out a lot. I'm not young and I have only passed out once in my life. But, that is what I have so I am watching.

It is now December 4th and I haven't finished this blog post. I think it's because it has been a very difficult year. Emotionally, physically, spiritually.

Let's see... what happened next?

I love my planners! I was introduced to them by my friend Jess. I think I have been using them for 4 or 5 years. I get them from Erin Condren.  https://www.erincondren.com/referral/invite/susantorres1231  

I had a goal for 2017 to switch to the calendar on my phone but in life some goals are best abandoned. My planner brings me joy. You can see that my mindset changed my cover. When I ordered 2017 I was all about achieving my goals. When I ordered 2018 I was all about self love. The reason for this digression is that I use my planner every day and it helps me to remember what happened next. Getting through to today is a little too overwhelming for me and probably too wordy for you. So, I will start where I left off and see how far we go. A new thing in my life is abandoning rules. This is one of those moments! :)

My mind is racing trying to change the topic to ANYTHING but this.

In March I was continuing acupuncture, yoga, massage, herbs. I  thought for sure I would find something that would get me back to work. ASAP. I love my job but that is another digression. I'm using essential oils and I got an appointment with a neurologist to learn more about this new strange condition that I have.

Thursday, March 9, 2017 - I had an appointment with Dr. Joseph Watkins. I have never actually met him. I was met by a nice attractive blonde woman. I don't remember her name. There was a lot of waiting involved. She had a laptop. It wasn't working correctly. She was frustrated. She kept expressing frustration that the laptop wasn't working. She asked a lot of questions. Then she finally looked me in the eye and asked me why I was there. I was shocked because I explained this when I made the appointment. I told her I had Dysautonomia. She said, OK, but why are you here. I told her I just learned about my condition, I googled it, learned it was neurological and made an appointment with a neurologist. Then she asked me what I wanted them to do. I told her I wanted to be educated. I wanted to know what Dysautonomia was, Why I have it and What to do about it. She got quiet. She got frustrated with her computer and then excused herself. I was there for hours. With her repeating the process, quiet, frustration with computer, leaving the room. At one point when she left I burst into tears. I was having a difficult time composing myself. I took the following picture to try to reassure myself that I looked normal....

She finally came back. She explained to me that Dr Watkins was home sick. She was a physicians assistant. I want to express that I have nothing against physician's assistants or nurse practitioners. Sometimes they are better than the doctor that they work with. Anyway, she admitted that she didn't know what to do with me. She referred me to an autonomic clinic at the University of Utah and sent me on my way. She said I would hear from the clinic soon to schedule an appointment. 

Monday, March 13, 2017 - my 25th wedding anniversary. I had planned to have a big party with Mariachis and all of my family and friends. I was so excited. Then we were going to spend some time in Guaymas, Sonora, Mexico. My husband has been wanting to go there and just sit on the beach. Did I mention that one of my goals this year was to only use my time off for fun stuff and not for being sick? ha! That didn't happen either. I still had hope at this point and I told my husband that we would do it in the summer. We haven't done it yet.

Thursday, March 16, 2017 - I went to see a new endocrinologist to see if he could help me figure out what was going on. We did not have a good first visit. I encountered once again the prejudice against diabetics that have a high a1c. Mine was around 9 at this point. He said that everything was because of my diabetes so he wouldn't even look into anything else. I was so frustrated. But it is so hard to get an endocrinologist I didn't want to get rid of him yet. We started insulin and a new drug called Bydureon. It is a once a week injection for diabetes. That was a nightmare.

Friday, March 17, 2017 - I went to the emergency room. I was in severe abdominal pain. Bydureon can cause pancreatitis. I was scared. They gave me IV fluids, ran a bunch of tests and sent me home. Happy Saint Patrick's Day.

I think we are just going to try to get through March in this post. It was a tough month.

Acupuncture on Monday.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017 - I wanted to see my gastroenterologist about the abdominal pain and nausea. I got his assistant, Abbie. We did not hit it off. I will not be seeing her again. But something nice I can say about her is that she ordered tests because I asked her to. She didn't agree with me but she did listen. 

Wednesday, March 22, 2017 - Dr Frech (gastroenterologist) did an upper endoscopy. That is when they put you to sleep and put a camera down your throat into your stomach and small intestine. He didn't find a cause for my pain. He said there was bile in my stomach and polyps in my esophagus. He said the polyps are normal for someone that has been taking medication for acid reflux for years. He said the risk of not taking the medication outweighed the risk of the polyps and that it was nothing to worry about. 

Thursday, March 23, 2017 - I had an abdominal CT scan. It did not find anything other than pneumonia. What? Well, I guess a little bit of lung got in the picture so they were able to see the pneumonia. I'm glad they were looking. I'm so used to being sick that it is hard to tell if there is an infection or not.

Friday, March 24, 2017 - I went to see my primary doctor. I saw her a LOT because of sinus infections, pneumonia, UTIs. I was in to see her every couple of weeks. She filled out all of my disability paperwork too. 

The last week of March I saw my primary doctor twice, my endocrinologist once and the acupuncturist twice. I have a job. It is called Self Care. It's a full time job with no time off and no benefits.