As a little girl my dad was the ward mission leader. He would bring home the filmstrip of the First Vision. The shiny edited version of 1976. (you can find it on YouTube) I was hooked. That film was the foundation for all of my beliefs in Spirituality and Mormonism. I believed everything happened EXACTLY as it was portrayed in that film.
When I was 14 I had an uber spiritual experience at girl's camp. I literally felt like I was walking hand in hand with my savior. The message I felt was that I was going to do something with my life that was every bit as important as what Joseph Smith did with his life. I was in a zen space. When I got back to my cabin and every one else, I tried to share my experience. I scared everyone around me. I remember being very confused by that. My countenance seemed to frighten everyone around me. I felt so peaceful. Why did they feel fear? I didn't get it. My cabin mom sent me to the priesthood leaders. They didn't know what to do with me. They had a talk with me, acted like I was really weird and sent me back to my cabin.
The following year I didn't get to go to camp. I remember being very disappointed because that was the year of the 3 day hike. I didn't get to go because I was pregnant. You see, my boyfriend wanted to have sex. I was naked in his bed when I should have been at school. When he decided it was time for penetration I said no. He said, "It's too late." I wouldn't know for years that that was rape. Did you know a girl (or anyone for that matter) can say no at any point and it's not too late? Laying in bed naked is a lot different than having sex. You can disagree if you like but it's different.
It was a year of loss. After that I didn't see the point in saying no. I was ruined. I had been taught repeatedly at church that once I was no longer a virgin there was no going back. I was the Mia Maid president (leader of the 14/15 year old girls). I was a finalist in the Miss Teen Arizona pageant. I was looking forward to girls camp. Then I was pregnant. It was all over. I remember the day of the pageant. I hadn't showered or shaved in over a week. I was depressed. My laundry was all dirty. The pageant director called me frantic. "Where are you?" she asked. "I decided not to go." I replied. She didn't know what to say. The truth was I was terrified of winning and being a pregnant pageant queen.
I was 15 and pregnant. That year I thought a lot about the Virgin Mary. She didn't plan on getting pregnant so young either. I felt like we were kindred spirits. She wasn't a ruined sinner like me but she knew what it was like to be pregnant before your body is ready. People told me many times that in the "old days" girls had babies at my age all the time. I felt sorry for all of those girls. My doctor told me that he had 3 couples that wanted my baby. Oh, and that I had chlamydia. Bonus! I got a baby AND an STD. All because I was a horrible girl who had sex with her boyfriend. He had dark hair and beautiful light blue eyes that you felt like you could float away in. But I really wish he would have listened when I said no.
In 1999 I read the Work and the Glory. Actually, I devoured it. I was living in a basement in Murray, Utah with my husband (not the boy who raped me) and four children. I read while I made pancakes and got the kids off to school. I rushed through my chores so I could get back to reading. I finished all of the volumes in a week. I remember reading about Joseph's secret marriages to married women and teenage girls. I remember stopping to sob in my bed. It felt like it ripped my soul. I daydreamed about going back in time and saving Emma. I daydreamed of going back in time and having a talk with Joseph so that he would be a better husband. My mind was not ready to acknowledge how bad he actually was.
I have always defended Joseph. I have hated Brigham Young. It was easy for me to believe he was the only bad guy. He did so many horrible things to so many innocent people. But Joseph. Not Joseph. When I learned that the Church of Christ taught that Joseph didn't practice polygamy I latched on to that. The Work and the Glory was a lie! I could believe that.
It is now 2019. 20 years later. I have read enough sources to know that Joseph Smith was not who I believed him to be. He was the kind of man who would marry a teenage girl and consummate it. He would coerce her by threatening that an angel would come down with a flaming sword and kill her family if she didn't comply. He was in his 30's when that happened. It was not a one time thing. He would send a man away on a mission and marry his wife while he was gone. He would marry the wives of men alive and well in his community. Joseph Smith was a sexual predator and a pedophile. Perhaps the reason the church doesn't like to prosecute pedophiles is because that would force them to look at the original prophet and evaluate his actions. It was not ok to have sex with teenagers in the 1800s.
The church makes everything edited and shiny. Most members don't know the ugliness that has been edited and polished away. Yes, prophets are human. So are pedophiles. Pedophiles aren't acceptable prophets.
I don't need a prophet. I can connect with my spirituality without a prophet and without a God. I do need to grieve though. I am hurt and sad. And angry. So sad that the person I believed to be Joseph Smith never existed. I loved him with all my heart. I wanted to be like him. The journey away from what I believed all my life is painful for me. Please be patient and kind.
I have a sacred grove in my mind. It is a place where I can meet with my ancestors, where I can be one with the Earth. It is my safe place. It is with me always. No one can enter without my permission.
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